April 12, 2017

Confession

I've kinda given up already.  Which is a shame because lent is almost over.  I've been a little stressed out about apartment hunting.  But good news!  We have been approved for an apartment!  We just need to get our deposit in today to hold it.  This place pretty much hits all the points on our wish list: better neighborhood, good school district, washer/dryer in the apartment, 2 bathrooms, swimming pool, and playground.  The biggest downside is the parking which will be hard to have guests over but we do get 2 spaces so we'll have an extra until we get a second car.  And it's at the higher end of our price range but the price dropped $50 a month right before we applied!  So, we're gonna move, get settled, and then I can do some career hunting!  I don't need to work so I'm holding out for a job that I really love and want to do.  But I'm also tired of staying home all the time so I hope I find it. 

Speaking of which, Marshall is screaming at me right now so.... time to go. 

April 7, 2017

Not trying

My brain is fried from apartment hunting all day.  Apartment hunting sucks.  I just have nothing interesting to talk about.  It rained today.  A lot.  For a minute, it kinda sounded like our house might collapse under all the rain.  It held up.  I'm not even gonna try to come up with more interesting things to talk about.  My brain hurts.  It needs to rest. 

April 6, 2017

It finally happened

I took a shirt out of Bishops dresser and put it straight into Marshall's.  He's wearing it now.  It won't be long before they're practically in the same size clothes and I end up mixing them up.  Either they won't care or they'll fight over clothes all the time.  I'm thinking they wont care.  Bishop saw Marshall in his shirt and said "hey, that's just like my shirt" and I said "that is your shirt" and then he went about his business because boys don't care what shirt they're wearing.  Although Bishop did get mad once because he had to take off a Paw Patrol shirt that he'd been wearing for 2 days.  I'm kinda surprised he hasn't asked about it since then.  That kid basically lives for Paw Patrol now.  I'm pretty sure that's going to be his next birthday theme.  He's been asking for a dog.  We told him he can get a fish.  He's gonna name it Chase.... after the puppy from Paw Patrol.  That's kinda like having a puppy right? 

April 5, 2017

Stages of Motherhood (that I have experienced so far)

The Oh Em Geeee I'm pregnant! stage: the one in which life is exciting and you managed to create a human life.

The OH MY GOD I'M PREGNANT!!! stage: the one in which you're freaking out because you created a human life that you will be responsible for the rest of your life. (Yes your whole life.  Go ask your parents if they still feel responsible for you). 

The Pregnancy is way less fun than movies make it seem stage: the one in which you curse every happy looking pregnant woman you've ever seen because you're miserable and your body hurts all the time. 

The Please kill me I can't stand this anymore stage: the one in which you never want to be pregnant ever again. 

The Brand-new baby stage: the one is which you're completely in love with this new little life and can't believe there was actually a baby in you the whole time even though you knew that's the whole reason you were doing it in the first place. 

The OH MY GOD I HAVE A BABY! stage: the one in which you freak the fuck out because you're baby is crying and you don't know how to make him stop and WHO THE FUCK DECIDED YOU WERE QUALIFIED TO HAVE A BABY! 

The Newborn stage: the one in which you barely get any sleep and you and your partner frequently snap at each other because you're barely getting any sleep and you're life has completely changed.

The regular baby stage: the one in which you feel confident in your abilities and start getting out of the house more often.

The beginning of the toddler stage: the one in which you realize your baby is turning into a toddler and its sooooo cute because they're starting to act like a kid and walk everywhere. 

The oh fuck he's a toddler stage: the one in which all of your exercise is keeping your toddler away from dangerous stuff that can kill him or stuff he can break. 

The WHEN THE FUCK IS TODDLERHOOD OVER!? stage: the one in which you find out just how loud you are able to yell. 

The I think we're doing a pretty good job, we should have another one stage: the one in which you decide to have another baby.

The why did we decide to have another baby? stage: the one in which your 6 months pregnant and chasing a toddler who just gets faster and smarter every day. 

The second new baby stage: in which you realize 2 kids isn't really double the work and feel awesome about having 2 kids. 

The oh my God is my baby a year old already? stage: in which you realize time goes WAY faster for the second kid than it ever did with the first. 

And finally, the Goldfish crackers in my pants stage: the one in which my almost not a toddler anymore follows me into the bathroom and spills his goldfish crackers everywhere while I'm peeing. 

I'll admit, that last one is less of a stage and more of an isolated incident.  Although he does like to follow me into the bathroom and keep me company while I pee.  Kids love to be all up in your business all the time. 

April 3, 2017

Fitting

I've gotten lazy with my blog lately.  Well, maybe not lazy, just distracted.  It might happen a few more times before lent is over.  Our house is in escrow so we're going to be moving soon!  There's a lot of things to be distracted by. 

Do you ever feel like everyone else has life figured out and you're just kinda faking your way through it?  I'm pretty sure everyone feels that way to some extent and I've known that for a while but, for some reason, it doesn't stop me from feeling that way.  It's like everyone else has a place and they fit into life and I'm just observing and trying not to get in their way.  I think people who write a lot especially feel that because that's just how our brain works.  That's probably why I'm shy.  Unless I know someone really well then it's kind of like they're a part of me.  I probably need way more time to think about and write what I'm actually talking about here cause I don't think I'm explaining it very well.  Or even thinking about the same subject.  I was just thinking about it yesterday for some reason and couldn't think of anything else to talk about. 

So.... enjoy those semi-coherent brain ramblings. 

March 31, 2017

House

Okay, I missed a few days.  Wednesday I just completely forgot until I was laying in bed and didn't want to get back up.  Yesterday we had a house issue that's kind of a big deal so we were freaking out a little bit.  But everything's gonna fine and we're accepting an offer and we're just gonna make a little less profit because of the repairs.  So that means we're gonna be moving soon!  We just need to find a place to live.  And now we don't have to keep our house neat for showings anymore!  That's the best part.  I'm messy by nature.  I let things accumulate until we have guests over and then clean off the table. 

This house has really been a training house.  Most the expensive stuff that could go wrong, has gone wrong while we lived here.  It's gonna be kinda nice to rent for a while and not have to deal with expensive problems that come up. 

March 28, 2017

Sleeping

I was just sitting here on my computer scrolling through Facebook instead of writing when I look over and see this....

I guess someone is bored of hanging out with me.  Or he's full from his lunch of egg whites and goldfish crackers.  Yesterday I came out of Bishops room after he fell asleep to find John hanging out on the couch and Marshall fast asleep on the floor.  He's getting less picky about where he sleeps.  He actually slept really well in his crib last night until Bishop woke him up.  It's like they're tag teaming who's going to wake up at night.  Oh my God, they're already working together!  I am so effed.  And they're so cute, they can get away with anything! 

March 27, 2017

Late Blog

That means its gonna be short.  It's after 10.  That's practically midnight.  It might as well be next week.  I don't think my best thoughts past 10pm.  Apparently I don't think them at 7pm either cause that's when I was trying to blog and literally wrote nothing down until dinner was ready but Google saved my draft of literally nothing anyway.  Some things just aren't worth saving, Google.  Or should I say Blogger.... its part of the Google collection, I think it counts. 

So I'm gonna keep it really short because I only have 31% battery on my computer which really is enough to type away for a while but seeing the low battery makes me super nervous and want to hurry up and finish before my computer dies on me.  It's like when I get into the right lane 10 miles before I have to turn right because if I don't, I'm gonna be stressed out the whole time.  I like to be 50 steps ahead. 

March 25, 2017

Power Rangers

So we went to see Power Rangers today.  After watching countless hours of Power Rangers with Bishop, I was not going to miss it.  Which is why we left him at home.  Or Grandmas.  In retrospect, it was the right choice because there's some creepy parts that might be too much for a 3 year old.  Especially since he wakes up at night sometimes from bad dreams. 

Anyway, I thought it was really good.  I thought the previews looked good but previews can make any movie look good.  The previews for Suicide Squad looked pretty cool and that was the worst movie I've seen in years.  Also every Transformers trailer always looks super bad-ass but those movies have gotten dumb.  So dumb that Shia Lebouf wont even do them anymore. 

It's late.  I almost didn't blog.  We did a lot of things today.  My point is, I don't have many thoughts in my head so I'm gonna wrap this up early so I can go watch TV on the couch. 

March 24, 2017

Lost

It's 8:30 at night and all my boys are sleeping.  Well, Bishop might not be sleeping yet, but he's definitely on his way out cause he's not making any noise.  It's nearly impossible for him to be awake and quiet.  Marshall fell asleep on me and I handed him off to John to go make dinner and now they're both asleep and John still hasn't eaten. 

I kinda feel like I'm back in college when I would surf the webs until 11pm.  Or 12.  I'm not really sure how late I stayed up.  My sleep hours actually haven't changed that much, I just do different things like hanging out with John after the kids go to bed but I can't do that now cause he's asleep.  That kinda sounds like I'm blaming him for being asleep but I'm really not.  He was up last night with Marshall who has been teething lately and refusing to sleep in his crib longer than 2 hours.  Marshall is also very stubborn.  Not sure where he gets that from. 

Anyway, I have no idea what to do with my time now.  Probably surf the webs.  I wonder if people still use AIM.  Is that a thing?  Probably not. 

March 22, 2017

The Night Is Dark

For the last four days straight, I have been having nightmares.  I've been so exhausted and wanting to sleep so badly that I've been falling asleep before I remember to post.  It isn't unusual for me to have nightmares, really, but it is unusual for them to be so vivid and persistent.  I feel rather like my unconsciousness is unburdening me of every issue that I've been facing in my life ever, because that's what it feels like.

I see my subconscious thoughts as being something like a dammed lake.  It has been building up all these years, leaking out a little at a time to keep from overfilling.  But now, the floodgates are opened and there is a deluge of anxiety and worry pouring out.  I neither know how to stop it nor what was the cause.  The best I can do is simply hope that this next time around, I'll be too tired to even dream.  So far, this has not been the case.  If only I had this kind of issue when I wanted to remember my good dreams.  I can never have the awesome recurring good dreams that truly inspire.  Nope!  Gotta have the dark nightmares.  As if the night isn't full of terrors enough on its own.

WE FINALLY FINISHED STRANGER THINGS!

That's really all I have to say about it.  We finished it.  It was pretty good.  I'm glad we watched the whole thing and I'm looking forward to taking a whole year to watch the second season when it comes out. 

What is the appropriate response when someone introduces themselves and they have the same name as you?  It doesn't happen to me often because my name is less common.  It happened today when a realtor came to show our house.  She said "Hi, I'm Angela" and I said "Oh! Me too!".  I mean I guess its an okay response but I feel like it implies that we're the same person.  Like there can only be one Angela therefore we must be the same.  I guess my other half has been off selling houses while I've been stay-at-home momming.  That doesn't really sound like something I would do.  Maybe she's a fraud.  Maybe she's actually an Angelina or Angelica but she shorted her name so it would look better on a business card.  Sounds like something a realtor would do.  If she was a celebrity, she would probably keep it long cause you want your name to be as flashy as possible when you're in show biz.  Case in point, Angelina Jolie.  There's no way she goes by Angelina in her every day life.  That's 4 syllables of name.  My name is only 3 syllables and sometimes that is too long. 

So yeah... Stranger Things.  That's where I started. 

March 21, 2017

I Had (minimal) Help

I just asked Bishop "what should I write about?" and he said "Me".  Then he said a bunch of stuff about his name and was touching my screen a lot.  And now he's off playing and not helping me.  Boys.  They just wanna talk about themselves and then leave.  How am I supposed to come up with a topic on my own?  I've already been doing this for.... a number of days.  I don't know how its been since lent started.  21 days.  I just realized it started on the 1st and its now the 21st.  So 21 days minus like 3 days for Sundays when I don't write.  That is how long I have been stringing random one sentence thoughts into 1-2 paragraphs of blog text.  Sometimes I am amazing at BS.  Other times I stare at my computer screen until my son walks up and starts playing next to me and I start asking him questions and he barely gives me an answer.  I guess that's what I get for trying to get my kid to do my work for me.  I mean, what did I even have him for if not to help me get past writers block?  Like 99% of my blog is about my kids.  What did I write about before kids?  I probably had more time to think. 

March 20, 2017

We're Really Bad at Watching Stranger Things

Do you ever have something to watch or read that's really good and interesting but you just take forever to get through it?  It happens from time to time in our household but I picked Stranger Things because it is an excellent example of what I'm talking about because it is an excellent show and there's only 8 episodes.  Despite this, we have only just finished watching episode 6: the Monster.  It took us forever to start watching it despite many people raving about its quality and now its taking forever to get through it despite our desire to find out what is happening.  It's been at least months since we started watching it which is a very ridiculous amount of time for 8 hours of program. 

Another example of this anomaly of procrastination despite quality content is when I was reading the Prince Lestat.  It took me almost 2 years to make it through that book and it was such a good book.  I COULDN'T WAIT for the sequel and was super excited that it was coming out within a few months of me finishing Prince Lestat.  It came out like 6 months ago and I still haven't even bought it.  I'm gonna blame having kids.  It makes you forget all the awesome stuff you want to watch/read.  

I'm sure there's plenty more examples but it's TACO TIME!  It's taco Monday. 

March 18, 2017

Task Avoidance In Action

I have become very good at avoiding writing and I intend to demonstrate the depth of my avoidance.  At any given time, I come up with a bunch of random ideas which I would like to spend some time thinking about and maybe writing.  I think to myself "That would actually be an interesting concept to work with" and I'll spend a ton of time just going on and on in my mind about what would happen and how I would approach it.  I'll spend some time sharing the idea with others, and I'll typically get either positive or skeptical feedback.  This does not prevent me from thinking that it's a good idea worth exploring.

Then I'll come on to blog and I'll talk about wonderful ideas I have and inspiration that's hit me, but I won't actually write the thing I'm thinking about.  So here I am demonstrating the depth of my task avoidance.  I can somehow feel totally okay with just talking about a given task I should be doing, but not actually doing it.  Next step, I suppose, is determining how to actually get to the point where I just do the task, or to figure out the root of the issue in order to overcome.  I'm pretty sure the doing of the task would be more worthwhile, but I'm positive that I'll spend the time trying to figure out the why of it instead.

Drummer

I just bought my kids a musical instrument.  I mean it's not supposed to be an instrument but from the sound of things, that's the only thing its being used for.  It's a set of pans for Bishops kitchen.  They're really nice ones too.  It looks like you could actually cook with them but the instructions assured me that you can not.  You can eat off them though.  And put them in the dishwasher.  If we had a dishwasher.  Anyway, I thought Bishop would enjoy pretending to cook his food in them but he's just pretending to be a drummer instead.  He doesn't play by anyone's rules.  Not even his own.

I actually bought the pans for Marshall.  He loves getting into the play kitchen and pulling all the food out.  I thought it would be a nice toy that both of them could play with.  Bishops toy that he picked out was one of the puppies from Paw Patrol.  His name is Marshall.  Things might get a little confusing in this house.  

March 17, 2017

My Second Toddler

So Marshall has started his transition into toddler-hood.  There are 2 very clear indicators.  First, he is walking around with his very cute unsteady wobble.  Second, he just started making this noise that I can only describe as "for the love of God somebody help me I'm being murdered over here!"  He's getting very good at it and he reserves this yell/cry for very important grievances like me picking him up when he's trying to play with something.  It's usually accompanied by a full body arch to indicate that I need to put him down.  I feel like a little switch went off in him all the sudden and he was like "oh, I can throw a tantrum.  I should try that."  I feel like Bishops tantrum throwing skills came on way more gradually and didn't fully develop until he was 3.  Bishop was much worse at 3 then he ever was at 2.  I'm hoping this means that Marshall will a terrible 2 and an angelic 3.  That way we can be done with tantrums sooner.  That would be awesome. 

March 16, 2017

Leprechaun Trap

Monday morning, my boss came into the office with a container of "Leprechaun bait" and told us that we could have some if we like.  It was at that moment that I realized two things:  1) that is an amazing idea and 2) I was going to make this happen for my nephews this year.  And so the plan was concocted.  I messaged my sister and after hashing out some details, we formulated a pretty air tight plan.

Stage one:  she informs the children that Emilee and I will be coming over to help make Leprechaun bait and a Leprechaun trap.  This stage was her arena because of my limited influence.

Stage two:  we procure the things.

Stage three:  we create the trap and spring it.

Stage four:  the wake up.

My sister was in charge of picking up the Leprechaun bait which for us consists of Lucky Charms, marshmallows, and butter: aka Rice Krispy squares with Lucky Charms substitute.

Meanwhile, I managed to procure a couple of totes and a whole lot of Leprechaun goodies to put into them (including "gold coins" which were the $1 coins because why the heck not?).

The boys had an awesome time with making the traps.  My youngest nephew picked up a crayon and started yelling "Color, color, color, color!" and started scribbling on every paper he could get to as if he'd been waiting his entire life to do so.  It was afterwards that I discovered that this was his first time coloring.  He also proceeded to climb in and out of the box to demonstrate its appeal.  The elder of the two nephews, Emilee, and I proceeded to color shamrocks to conceal the box.  My sister made the bait and set the trap, then demonstrated how it could be sprung.  I am currently waiting to hear whether or not they caught a Leprechaun, but sadly I will have to wait until morning.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Where the hell is this gold coming from?

Asteroid

Bishop is watching me blog so I took a picture of him.  I don't get to use my computer camera that often cause I don't like taking pictures of myself.  Especially from the angle of me typing.  It's the least flattering angle. 

Marshall is sleeping in his crib now.  It's one of those rare moments where I'm awake and not in the same room as him. 

Bishop just informed me that an asteroid is coming any second.  We watched the original Fantasia today.  During the piece with the dinosaurs, Bishop was asking when the asteroid was coming.  For those that don't remember, the extinction theory when they made Fantasia was that the earth got really hot and the dinosaurs all died of heat stroke.  So I tried to explaining to a 3 year old that when they made the movie, they didn't know about the asteroid.  I think he got it.  Or he's more confused.  There were also Centaurs and Unicorns in that movie so I'm sure he wasn't taking it too seriously.  I wonder if he knows the difference between fantasy and reality.  I feel like he does. 

March 15, 2017

Two Brothers. Just Two Brothers.

I was totally sitting here thinking of things to talk about but Bishop is standing next to me chatting away about stuff.  Apparently butter is his favorite food.  And he wants to go to outer space.  Or maybe the sun wants to go to outer space.  Sometimes its hard to tell.  Bishop says a lot of things but he's not always the clearest speaker.  Now he's arguing with me about cutting his hair.  He wants to do everything himself especially if it involves sharp tools. 

Anyway, what I was going to say is that I think Marshall is really lucky.  He gets to grow up with a big brother.  I remember when Bishop was his age and he didn't have anyone to play with every day besides me and I can get pretty boring sometimes.  Especially when I'm trying to blog and don't wanna be bothered.  Bishop also enjoys having a little brother (most of the time) but Marshall's just starting to be interesting to him.  I love watching them play together.  That's one of the main reasons I wanted more than one child.  One kid is sweet and adorable but two kids is even more sweet and more adorable (and more frustrating but its totally worth it). 

I know I posted this pic yesterday but its so cute!

March 14, 2017

More Thoughts on Depression

I don't know why I keep coming back to this dark place inside of me lately, but it feels like I can't let it go right now.  I am sitting in a brightly lit room and I feel like I'm sitting entirely in darkness.  Staying in bed wrapped up in a blanket is preferable to getting up and doing something with my life.  The world just feels darker.  As if the light is being hidden behind a cloud.  Or perhaps I'm only seeing things illuminated by the moon instead of the sun.

I know this is depression at work in my mind.  It's like a veil over your face, but you can't remove it.  The best you can do is lift it off of your face for a while, but it doesn't stay.  You know it's coming back.  The weird thing is that I don't even feel terribly depressed.  I know I am, because I can tell the way I'm thinking and behaving is akin to when I fall into deep depression, and yet I don't feel depressed.  It's like some kind of weird brain thing where I feel fine, but mentally I'm not in a good place.  I keep wanting to peer into the darkness to see if I can find any sign of the light switch to turn on, but I'm afraid I might fall down the stairs and not be able to pick myself up.  Depression is like the awful dank basement of the mind.  And now all I can think of is decluttering my mind basement.

My Genius

Yesterday I asked Bishop why the sky is blue.  He said because light bounces off particles in the air.  I mean, yeah, he just watched that on Storybots but I really wasn't expecting such a coherent answer.  And that is why I love Storybots and wish they would make more episodes so I would have more information to feed my little genius.  Bishop would probably be really easy to home school because he enjoys learning.  I would never do that though cause he's also very social.  He's gonna be that one kid in school who's somehow friends with everyone.  I remember before I became a parent imagining myself coaching a super awkward shy little girl through life.  Because that's what I was and I just assumed I would have at least one child that was cripplingly shy.  It looks like that almost definitely won't happen.  It's definitely not Bishop and Marshall seems pretty fine with strangers so far. 

He's so smart he's using chopsticks!  Jk, he's playing with them

March 13, 2017

No Middle Ground

Do you ever start something you're too lazy to finish?  Cause I'm not adding to the story today.  It's almost 9pm which in this household might as well be midnight.  But I will finish it.  Maybe.  Or maybe I'll be so awesome that Kris and I will just add to it for the rest of our lives.  That would be one epic story.  We'd have to stop eventually so we could publish it.  Or we could just add to it until we both die and our kids will publish it.  If publishing even exists. 

Do you ever think way too far ahead about something you literally just started?  I just managed to be pessimistic and grossly optimistic about the same thing in one post.  Welcome to my brain.  It considers all of the possibilities as long as their not moderate or reasonable. 

Speaking of projects, I'm totally going to start crafting soon.  Or never. 

A Touch of Introspection

Sometimes I feel like I hide behind myself, that the me I think I am is not the me I am at all.  It makes me wonder how people with multiple personality disorder feel.  At what point do you know there's someone else inside of you?  How much of them are you?  How much of you are them?  How does your brain create a new identity?  What does it mean when this happens?  Are you you, or are they you?

I can understand on a fundamental level how frightening this must be, but naturally I can't understand what it's like to live like that.  Sometimes I worry that when I write fiction, the characters I come up with are more real than I give them credit for, and I start to wonder if that isn't how these kinds of things start.  Sometimes I think I worry more than I need to.  I totally do.

March 12, 2017

Resizing

She sat in the corner of the room, staring out from between her fingers in contemplation.  Somehow, everything had grown to be much larger than it ought to be, or rather, she had shrunk.  The latter seemed more fitting, she sensed, although she remained unsure of how it had happened.  One minute, she had been going about her day, a normal happy girl, and the next moment she had found herself growing smaller and smaller until she was little bigger than a mouse.  From this perspective, several things became quite clear to her.

Firstly, the safety of a corner is rather ingrained.  There was comfort in having a place to squish into while one surveyed an unpleasant reality, not to mention the fact that nothing could sneak up behind her here.  This limited the potential for danger and gave her a better vantage point of the majority of the room.

Secondly, the most mundane tasks had suddenly become possible at this size.  The room was lightly furnished with a rose patterned sofa, two armchairs of similar design, a rocking chair, and a collection of wooden tables situated for convenience.  The table near to the rocking chair even had a white linen cloth covering it which draped down to dust along the hardwood floor.  There was a fireplace with a cheery blaze burning away merrily in the hearth, a basket for knitting things, and a handful of trinkets and odds and ends which tied the room together.  Three large windows currently helped to light the small sitting room, and a gigantic wooden door provided egress and ingress.  All of these things were far larger than she, and seemed terribly daunting to scale.

Thirdly, with no one else her size, she felt horribly alone.  Mere minutes ago, her youngest sister had entered the room to retrieve a book which had been left here during the last time the had retired into the room.  She had called out to her sister, yelling and waving and even hopping up and down in the hopes that she would be seen, but to no avail.  Her sister had simply come in, completed her task of book retrieval, and left.

"She did not see me," this had been her mantra since her sister had left.  "She did not see me because I am so small.  Otherwise she would have tried to help me, I am certain."

The answer was glaringly evident.  In her heart, she had known what he would need to do to break this spell upon her.  She would need to pull herself up to the top of one of those tall tables in order to make herself known.

"I'm so weak, though," she practically wailed again.  But this time she did not continue to weep in the corner.  Picking herself up off the ground and wiping away the tears, she clenched her fits in a sudden fit of determination and marched across the room towards the dangling white linen tablecloth.

The journey was only a few quick strides from the door, but it still took nearly fifteen minutes to cross.  Each tiny step in the right direction was a victory and a defeat.  Her mind kept informing her that if she were only larger, she would not have to travel quite so far to the table.  "But at least I am trying," she told her mind and took some consolation in that.

"I wonder if this is how Alice felt," she mused to herself as she flitted about the base of the cloth, looking for the best way to rise to the table above.  She eventually settled on the path which would utilize the most of the rocking chair's natural patterning and began to make her climb.  "She faced far greater dangers, it's true, but I fail to see how she did this with such a steady heart.  I'm so nervous I'll fall...I'm so nervous I'm talking to myself!"  This vein of conversation would persist until slowly, but surely, she had finally reached the arm rest of the chair.  "Just a little hop, I think, only it seems so very far."

The table was only a few inches away from the armrest, but it had the misfortune of being slightly taller.  There was a very real chance that if she threw herself at the table, she might miss and hurtle to the hardwood floor below.  She could try to grab onto the tablecloth, but she still might get hurt in the process.  "And if that should happen, I doubt anyone would find me there."  She steadied her breathing and took a running leap at the table.  Her heart pounded in her ears as she neared the edge of the ledge and leapt...only her foot had slipped at the very end.  Rather than soaring effortlessly towards her destination, she faltered and flung out her arms.  Her hands gripped solidly upon the cloth covered wood of the table's edge.  It was a lucky catch and this seemed to embolden her slightly.  She glanced back at the chair which no longer seemed quite so far away, stretched out her legs, and found that she could reach the armrest to help hoist herself up onto the table, which she promptly managed.

Winded and relieved, she sat down on the table and gazed across the room from her new vantage point.  Everything looked a little smaller from up here now.  She knew that she was still tiny, and this was a problem, but now at least she was above the floor.  Things were a little more manageable, a little less dire.

Just then, the door to the room swung open.  A rather enormous girl burst forth through it.  She was slender, gigantically tall, with ruddy brown hair tied back with a ribbon.  The force of the breeze from the door caught on her lilac colored dress, twirling it delicately so that it danced.  The remaining force blew over the table, and knocked the tiny girl onto her back since there was absolutely nothing to prevent the full force of the gust.  "I don't see Mary in here!"  The girl called.

Mary scrambled to her feet and waved to her sister from the table, "Lisa!  Over hear!  Oh, yoohoo!"

The sudden movement halted Lisa in her tracks.  She took a second look about the room, spotted Mary on the table, frowned, and quickly boomed her way across the room.  The table rocked with the shifting wood, and Mary fell to her knees once again, catching herself with one of her hands.  Her wrist hurt for a moment, but at last she was steady, and Lisa now knew she was there.

"Mary?" the girl laughed and it seemed to Mary that the noise positively boomed.  "What are you doing there?"

"I'm afraid I've shrunk.  Will you please help me get big again?"

"I don't see why I should.  If you've shrunk this is clearly your problem."

"Because we're sisters?" Mary pleaded.

"Well...have you tried just being big again?"

Mary blinked up at Lisa, frowning in frustration and holding back tears.  She felt smaller somehow, but she knew it wasn't Lisa's fault.  She was, after all, only trying to help.  "I don't know how to just be big.  It seems entirely impossible.  I mean...being so small is rather difficult to manage."

Lisa snorted down at her sister and nearly knocked her over from the gust.  "Well it's no easier being regular sized either.  We all have to manage just the same.  If you don't want to be helped, though, then there's really nothing I can do to help you.  I mean, it seems to me that if you really wanted to be big again you could certainly try harder at it, rather than just sitting down there on the table."

"But...but I had to climb just to reach the table.  And look!  I managed to do that!"

"Hm...maybe so, but you're still small.  So climbing the table didn't really help you, did it?  If you aren't going to put more effort into getting big again, I just can't help you.  Besides, I have things to do.  I'll let everyone know where you are though."

Lisa turned to leave and Mary shot her hand out towards her sister, "No please, don't go!  Just...maybe if you stay here a while, we could figure out something."

"No, I can't do that.  You'll probably make me start to grow smaller or something, I do feel shorter now you know.  Honestly, I don't know how you get into these situations.  Anyway, good luck, Mary!"

The door closed and another gust of wind burst into Mary.  This time, she let it send her tumbling to the table and roll her flat onto her back.  It was a hard thing to be so small, but maybe she could find a way to make the best of it.  After all, larger people didn't seem to understand her anymore and they were terribly frightening with their size.  Anything could easily crush her in this state, after all.  Yes.  It was best just to stay small. At least for now.

March 11, 2017

Long Day

It's been one of those days where we actually did things and left the house and now I have very little energy left to think about words.  We got to meet a newborn baby, did some shopping, got some lunch, and then did more shopping.  Now we have 2 cranky babies and we're both tired.  And now Bishop is pooping.  He did so good with potty training today.  He didn't go in his diaper the whole time we were gone.  We're so close to being done with diapers!  I mean.... for one kid anyway.  Maybe Marshall will potty train faster cause he wants to be like his brother.  It didn't really work for walking.  He's actually on the same time line as Bishop for that. 

Alright, I need to cut this post short.  Marshall is having a nervous breakdown in the living room.  

March 10, 2017

Journey - Part 1

He had been sitting in the park bench opposite Miss Frances for some time now, merely observing her.  It was, in his estimation, something of a sad case.  Her family had asked him to keep an eye on her.  They were worried.  Of course the would be.  She had suffered a major trauma in her life, and people often had a hard time with these things, especially if they were unable to come to terms with them.

He couldn't help but feel a little shady in these circumstances, taking money to spy on those who were in such a condition.  The family had been clear that they didn't want him to get directly involved.  Observe, catalogue, report.  That was what he had been paid to do.  Even so, watching this once brilliant woman's mind slowly begin to unravel without interfering was one of the most difficult things he'd had to do.

He had started the investigation by going into her home one day while she was out.  He'd taken a look through some of her personal possessions, really looking to get a feel for the person she had been before the 'incident' as the family referred to it.  She had a very obvious love of poetry and a collection of classic literature which heavily contradicted what he had assumed about her based on her appearance.  She wasn't too stylish, but she dressed well enough.  Middle class, the teacher type, good looking in the girl next door kind of way.  He'd pegged her as the basic type.  The Pumpkin Latte and selfie Millennial generation.  She had political literature and publications available on her coffee and dinner tables, a small collection of various teas, and a series of romance movies readily available.  Feminine and sophisticated, what a girl.

Mostly her daily activities were mundane.  Working, running errands, coming home to her apartment.  It was a pretty regular cycle so far as well.  But the there were days like today, days when she spent hours talking to a gold fish and babbled about flying into the sun.  He hated having to write those things down, hated that he had so far stayed true to his word to leave her in peace.  If only someone could speak sense to her, if only someone could remind her that the life she imagined was all in her head.  If only someone could draw her out of her mind, maybe there was a chance that woman he had begun to investigate was still there somewhere.

But for now, he observed and took notes, watched her closely and waited for any indication that she was perhaps a danger to herself or those around her.  That was when he might interject himself without breaking his agreement with her family, might meet her, might put into action the steps she would need to begin taking to get herself turned around.  For now, he had to wait.

Journey - post 1 (a circle story)

(This is the first post of the continuing story I talked about earlier.  Kris and I can both add to the story so who knows where it will end up.  I'm putting a complete version of the story as a separate page in the blog so that when the story gets longer, it will all be in one place.  Here goes nothing!)

Miss Frances sat still on a park bench.  Her demeanor was stiff and serious.  Occasionally a person or two would pass by her on the walking path and give her a brief side eye before walking a little faster away from her.  One person, unconcerned with societal politeness, even asked her what she was looking at to which she responded with a dismissive "nothing" before they walked off with a confused look.  No one asked about the fish.  Until Ann showed up.

Ann was pretty used to Miss Frances by now so she had no problem probing into her seemingly illogical mind.  "Hey Kat, whats with the fish?" she asked before taking a seat next to Miss Frances.

"I needed someone to keep me company" she said, as if explaining the obvious.

"Why?" Ann asked, afraid of the answer.

"Because I've been waiting here for two hours, Ann."

"But you said to meet you at four."  Ann looked down at her phone to make sure she had the time right.  "It's 3:54.  I'm 6 minutes early."

"I have other bench appointments, Ann.  You're not the only person in my life"

"With who?" she asked, feeling skeptical that Miss Frances was capable of normal human interaction.  Of course there were other weird people in the world.  Perhaps she had met one?

"Herbert," said Miss Frances picking up the fish bowl.

"So you had a two hour meeting with a fish that you brought with you to keep you company while you waited for our 4 o'clock meeting?  Fantastic.  Can you just please tell me why I'm here, Kathryn?"

"I'm glad you asked," said Miss Frances as her whole face lit up.  "We're going to fly into the sun." 

March 9, 2017

Books on Tape

For years and years and years I have denied the temptation to "read" books on tape.  I have never seen them as anything of value.  You read by sight.  You sit down with a book.  You have the feel of it, the textures, the weight of it, the smell of it, you can almost taste the characters.  Not to mention you see them a certain way and you hear them a certain way; these things are lost when another person is reading.

I recently borrowed a book on tape at the library.  This has changed my life.  I have almost finished reading this book at work!  And I actually really like the voice actor.  I think he does a great job and isn't too over the top at all.  Not only that, but listening to the inflection of someone else regarding the characters is fascinating.  I have actually never considered how someone else might be viewing the same text that I am.  It actually gave me a better appreciation of movie adaptations, and perhaps I'll be a bit more forgiving regarding interpretations I don't agree with in the future.  For now, I'm quite enjoying being able to sink into the books on tapes while I'm at work and to contemplate new interpretations of the same materials.

Catless Crazy Cat Lady

We just got rid of our cats.  Bishop was super heart broken.  And by 'heart broken' I mean he immediately asked for a dog when he found out they were gone.  I can tell he really cared about those cats.  And now I'm cat-less for the first time in 5 years.  I'm a little sad but mostly relieved.  I just had no real bond with either of them and they were just one more thing to take care of that neither of us wanted to deal with.  Plus they had fleas and I'm sick and tired of picking fleas off of Marshall.  They like him cause he's sweet.  And now I can leave our bedroom open!  I could never trust Etta in there cause she would sometimes pee on our bed.  I feel like she secretly hated me.  It felt oddly personal.

Anyway, so now I'm a person with 3 cats tattooed on my body and none in my house.   And unfortunately for Bishop, no dogs either.  Not sure when we'll be ready for that.  Probably never. 

March 8, 2017

Catching Up!

So I finally had a moment to sit down and catch up on Angela's portion of the Lent blog and man...it has been TOO LONG since we've really talked.  I was definitely not involved with that campfire story, but I vaguely recall being prodded by Angela to join in.  As ever, I'm terrible when it comes to committing to writing.  This is, without a doubt, the worst trouble that I have:  sitting down and doing it.

Instead, I tend to fall head first into role playing.  I have a number of irons in this fire and I'm starting realize a couple of things:  Firstly, in trying to pay more attention to what's going on around me so that I can pray for others, I've come to realize that I don't pay a lot of attention to what's going on around me at all.  Second, when I do take a moment to consider my surroundings, my writing gets better, much more interesting, and I can incorporate new ideas into it.  For some reason, I always figured spending more time in my head would be a wonderful thing, but it's actually terrible for your writing.  The more you observe others and events as they're occurring, the more you gain a better understanding of the world around you, and the better you can interpret this into your work.

And for the record, Angela, I'm interested in these things!

Sharing

Bishop is pretty awful at sharing toys.  But he is amazing at sharing food.  He argued with me today because he wanted to share his mac and cheese with Marshall and I told him no because I was sharing mine and I could reach him better.  He was upset because he wanted to share his food even though he had way less than me.  When I was done with mine, he ended up sharing his.  He probably ended up giving Marshall 1/3 of his food.  Then we get into the living room and he tells me he's hungry again.  I don't think this kid is ever not hungry.  I'm definitely raising a giant.  And probably a chef since he likes giving people food so much. 

Bishop taking my job

March 7, 2017

Back to Prayer

Less than a week into Lent and I'm already failing.  I actually completely forgot to post last night until I had already finished my other half of my Lent thing this year, which is back to prayer.  I'm doing the prayer thing again this year, but I'm trying it a little differently.  I've been trying to listen to other people and pray for the needs that I overhear.  This hasn't been going terribly well, admittedly.  It seems like the most I hear from people is in the workplace, so I guess I need to get out more.  I've amended it slightly so that I can account for this and have been praying more for the needs of others that I know about in general.  My hope was that it would deepen my faith along with opening my eyes up to the needs of others more.  It's been an interesting thing to enter into this Lent, though, as I've noticed that I've been turning my attention more to the will of God and what it means to be a Christian.

I will probably be talking more about this.

Cranky Banana

I finished reading the campfire story I was talking about yesterday and now I'm like 95% sure Kris wasn't involved.  But I am 100% sure I wanted her to be.  It was a long story.  It took me half an hour to read it without interruption.  It got pretty confusing toward the end.  There was a lot of characters and a lot of authors so I think we started to lose track of the events while we were writing it.  I wanna write another one.  I wonder if I could convince anyone to write with me (looking at you Kris).  Maybe we could start one on this blog.  That's not a bad idea.... maybe I should actually talk to Kris directly instead of typing out my thoughts as they come to me.  It's anarchy up in this post!

An unprecedented thing happened today.  Marshall is asleep in his crib!  It's a nap miracle!  He usually sleeps in his crib at night but during the day, he always takes his naps on me.  Every once in a while, I'll attempt to put him down during his nap, but he always wakes up.  Except for today!  Maybe he's extra tired from all the waking up and crying he did last night.  He's teething again and not very happy about it.  He lets me know loudly at midnight.  Then he flops back and hits his dad on the back.  He just doesn't want anyone to sleep when he's miserable.

March 6, 2017

Major Flashback

I decided not to blog on Sunday.  I've gone back and forth about blogging every single day during lent and skipping Sundays because it's not counted in the 40 days of lent.  I decided to give myself that day off from blogging this year because its generally a busy day for us.  We're generally at church for both services because John is SO involved in church now that we need to stay for 2 hours.  5 years ago, he wouldn't even go with me and now he's more involved than I am.  I think I have successfully infiltrated his mind.... I mean love him unconditionally.  The point was to say we're kinda busy that day.  Sometimes we need to grocery shop and we often have dinner at my in-laws.  Okay, I'm done justifying my laziness.  There's actually a real thing I was planning on talking about. 

Memories!  So last night, I checked my email because I gave up twitter for lent so I end up obsessively checking my email instead even though I hardly ever receive anything.  I had an email from Writing.com saying it was my account anniversary.  Usually I just delete stuff like that right away and never think about it again, but for some reason I had the urge to visit my old account and see what was on there.  I started this account 9 years ago.  I probably only used it about a year when I was in college and had a little down time.  One of the things on my portfolio is something called a 'campfire story'.  It's where the author writes a bit of story and then adds other users to the story to add bits of story.  This story, if I remember correctly, was written by me, Crystal, Amelia, and I think Kris.  There was also a few random people from the website that joined in.  I actually haven't even finished reading this story because its sooooooo long.  I did skip to the end though.  Everyone dies.  Except the fish. 

In my portfolio, there was also a few angsty poems about some guy I had a crush on.  Those were even weirder to read cause I felt like I had gone back in time.  I remembered what it felt like to be single and searching and wondering if I would ever find the right person.  It's such a weird feeling.  

March 5, 2017

Out of It

Every once in a while when I'm starting on some project with writing, I just lose all sense of myself.  I completely forgot that yesterday was Saturday, so I forgot to post.  I also just received a text message from someone who told me that they had seen me earlier this week, had said hello to me, and that I had apparently just walked right on by them without recognizing them.  I have no memory of seeing this person at all.  That's rather horrifying really.

I've been trying to put my finger on why my brain does the weird stuff that it does, but the conclusion that I keep coming back to is this:  I have no freakin' idea.

When things like this happen, I just sort of wander around in my head for a few days until it clears.  I'm not really sure what kind of dust is being stirred up in my brain just right now, but when it settles, perhaps I'll have something more interesting to blog.

March 4, 2017

Phone Blog!

I'm posting from my phone today because I'm trying to multitask.  Spoiler: it didn't work.   I was nursing Marshall and I got one sentence in before he started squirming around.  Then he refused to nurse or be comforted and John took him for like one minute before he crawled back to me.  Then Marshall swatted my phone out of my hand like it had offended him.  Now he's nursing again but complaining at the same time.  He's pretty good at multitasking.  Sometimes he grabs my phone while he's eating. 

I hate typing blogs on my phone.  It's so awkward and takes forever.  I guess I could use voice text but I don't wanna be sitting here talking to myself.  It takes all the quiet time out of writing.  I mean it would if Marshall wasn't already complaining loudly.  I wonder if voice text would pick up his groaning.  I guess I'll never know. 

March 3, 2017

Safe Spaces

A winding path, twisting, turning,
Calmly walking, spirit burning.
Hallowed halls meant to defend,
Secret keeper, worthy friend.

Revelation found in motion,
Every step a new devotion.
Wandering footsteps lead astray,
Reconciliation?  Pray.

Haunted here; now lost in darkness.
Echoes call, my spirit harkens.
Ever seeking perfect light.
Troubled stroll on velvet night.

Slowly creeping towards the center.
Trepidation; do I enter?
Untold treasures soon to find,
Deepest riches are divine.

The Funnest Day of the Week!

Friday? No, not exactly.  It's the day I pay bills.  Which actually doesn't happen every week, more like every other week.  Twice a month to be exact.  And it's not actually fun.  Everything I said was misleading cause that's how I roll.  Actually it is fun sometimes when I finish paying all the bills and add up the numbers and realize we have more money left over than I expected.  That sorta happened today because we have our tax money in our checking right now but we have to save it for our apartment.  I don't know where or when because we have to sell our house first.  We're kind of going backwards but when we buy our next house, we'll have a down payment ready! 

Marshall is starting to walk.  I don't have any steps filmed yet because it hasn't happened that often.  He'll probably be walking around everywhere in about a month.  Which means he'll be getting knocked over by his brother a lot more often.  Also I'm gonna need to find some baby shoes.  He's gonna be a toddler soon.  I'm scared. 

Marshall's scary face

March 2, 2017

The Slacking Starts Early

It's only the second day of lent and I'm already doing a last minute post.  When you're a parent, 9:30 is last minute.  In my defense, I sat down with my computer earlier today to do my post but I couldn't think of what to say and Marshall was adorably trying to grab my computer so I had to move it every 3 seconds because that kid is getting very fast.  He is also determined to touch everything and when he can't reach it, he throws the most adorable little fit.  One year old tantrums are adorable.  Three year old tantrums cause brain tumors.  What a difference 2 years can make. 

I feel like a lot of my blog posts are about me defending myself for not posting sooner.  I guess its just an easy thing to talk about.  Otherwise I'd have to dig deep and think about philosophical or spiritual things that actually matter.  Or I could make fun of stuff.  I spent most of my free thinking time today working on my novel that I'm never gonna write but can't tell anyone about because I don't want them stealing my awesome ideas.  I mean I told John cause he's practically me.  And I'll probably tell Kris because telling her means I'll have a better chance at actually writing it someday.  She's a good sounding board and will probably come up with more awesome ideas I hadn't thought of.  Kris, this is my subtle way of saying I want to write a book with you.  I'm sorry I don't have a more formal proposal but sometimes you just have to say whats in your heart, you know?  Plus how awesome would it be to see a book on the shelf written by Krangela Goodsperger?  That's our pen name.  Let do this. 

Tangential

I feel like that one word incorporates my life right now.  I felt for a while like I knew what direction I was moving in.  I'm taking classes, I'm working a job where I'm actually making a livable wage, I still get to work for my church, I am upgrading some of my less upgraded things, and I've started seeing someone.  These are all positive things and they're all things that I'm satisfied with.

Recently, though, I feel like my life has been bogged down with the tangential.  For instance, I just typed in tangential and learned that I've been misspelling this word for years.  That occupied a great deal of my time rather than finishing this blog post.  It's actually quite a perfect example (aside from the fact that I'm still very much working on finishing this blog post).  Tangentially, I'm also typing this post while I upload some religious media onto my computer, and text.  Maybe this is more "multitasking" but I feel like it's tangential for a few reasons.

Firstly, it is preoccupying me and keeping me from being 100% focused on the task that I'm doing.  Secondly, it's not anything particular to the task at hand, but is somewhat of an aside.  Thirdly, it's really messing with my ability to concentrate.  Finally, I wonder how much of my time is actually taken up with getting caught up in side things that I miss the important things.  I also wonder what it would be like to be very focused on something in particular and not easily distracted by tangential things.

Sadly, this is a task I believe I am doomed to fail.  I'm such an abstract thinker sometimes that I feel like my thought doesn't necessarily follow a set path so much as it zig-zags in a way that may have helped Rickon survive.

This title is apt.

March 1, 2017

Two Girls, One Blog

Last year, I super failed at the Lent blog.  Without my cohort, I didn't have anyone keeping me on the ball and it sort of fizzled.  This year, it's even more spectacular because I'm busier than I was last year and I'm not so sure that I'll remember to do this everyday.  I am definitely going to put in an effort to try, though!

Updates from last year:

My body is trying to kill me.  I had to have surgery to remove my gallbladder which had decided that stones are the best way to keep your body healthy.  Spoiler alert:  they are not.  I also now need physical therapy on my back because I started working out and my body decided this was a bad idea.  I literally didn't do anything strenuous and yet, my body crapped out on me.  Woo.

I'm still teaching RCIA and almost finished with Ministry Formation classes.  I'm still uncertain where this is going to lead me, but it's certainly been a trip!

I had to buy another new car, this time I went through the dealership.  I kind of really like this one.  I haven't had to do any major repairs on it, so that is a definite plus.

I am no longer single.  Glee!

I promised Angela an advertisement.  PS, it's in the title!

K is out.

Lent is like Christmas for blogs!

Well, not all blogs.  Just some.  Probably just for this one specific blog that only 2 people contribute to.  Also last year was a pretty crappy 'blog Christmas' because I had a baby a few weeks in and then pretty much gave up writing.  Newborns are so demanding.  But the good news is, I now have a one year old and have slightly more time to sit down and write things!  So I'm fully committed this year.  If I fail, I have no one to blame but myself. 

So this year for lent I've decided to give up sweets again.  I skipped that one last year because I don't like giving up food when I'm pregnant.  Pregnancy is kinda like a 9 month lent where you have to give up alcohol, everything that gives you heartburn, your entire uterus, and feeling like a normal human being.  But this year, I have my whole body to myself so I figure I can give up a little sugar. 

Anyway, to kick off lent, here's a picture of my one year old cutie eating cake while his brother watches even though he has his own cake.