November 1, 2013
As a side note, I just went to check how long that paper actually is. As it turns out, it's completely gone from when I wiped my hard drive. I somehow didn't copy that particular folder over and overlooked its importance. That's really kind of depressing considering how much time I put into that thing. I'm not even sure if it's available online where I had it loaded anymore. Probably not. And since I didn't have to print it out, it's well and truly gone from this world. Sad. Face.
The point is, I know that once you're defeated in your mind, you've already lost. So how can I possibly get undefeated and come back? I'm talking about being on the verge of quitting something I've been passionate about since before I was able to write.
Then I remembered this blog.
Sure, much of the blog is incoherent thoughts all kind of thrown together onto a page and published out into the uncaring world of the internet for whomever to read and judge, but it's also something else. This blog? I wrote in it every day during Lent. EVERY day. Except the one time when I forgot. Or two times. I may not have come anywhere near 1500 words, but I did it. And I doubt I would have stuck with it so tenaciously if I didn't enjoy what I did, right? I mean, I'm stubborn and I've stuck with a ton of stuff that makes me miserable, but surely this must be something I enjoy if I'm willing to cling to it year after year as a Lent tradition. Hell, I even get excited to write in it during Lent.
Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself of something, but I'm feeling like I need a win here. I already missed day 1 of NaNoWriMo due to writer's block and doubt. I have around 3000+ words to make up if I'm going to get back on track.
We'll see how this goes internet friends. I feel like this year is do or die, sink or swim...and the water has already started out murky.
October 13, 2013
June 1, 2013
We're going to Sac-Con tomorrow. I mainly wanted to go so I could dress up as Louise. Except I'll be Louise when she gets older and gets knocked up. It's gonna be sweet. Except it's gonna be really hot. It's already 86 today and its only 12:30. I guess that means we're going swimming later :)
May 21, 2013
To celebrate the end of the 10K, I blatantly did not walk today. I'm kind of regretting that decision now, but it gave me some time to do other things I might have put off if I had gone for a walk...and I'm pretty much a night owl anyway so maybe I'll still go out for a bit now that it's cooling down. So, yay! I did it! I did 10K steps a day for six weeks!
Now onto the next project: journaling every day for a month to help someone out with their master's thesis. I think God is just giving me opportunities to work on my writing and continue my spiritual growth now!
May 11, 2013
I'll try to put up a few more updates this week! After that, I'm not sure how often I'll keep up with this blog. I'm trying to find a job and life is starting to catch up with me. If nothing else, I'll be back during Lent!
May 6, 2013
Walk for Life update: In less than 36 hours, I obtained my goal of $150 to donate to the pregnancy center for teen pregnancy prevention and health care/adoption options for pregnant mothers. I should have totally taken a picture of the t-shirt I got for the event, but I can't find my camera at the moment and am too lazy to go look for it. Maybe I'll update a picture later. The walk itself was pretty easy. I do twice that on a given day (as it turns out, my pedometer isn't accurately tracking my steps).
Special thanks to everyone who sponsored my walk! You guys rock! Also: Woo! Two weeks left of 10K a day! I almost made it!
May 1, 2013
I've hit a bit of a wall with the walking thing. I've run into a ton of stuff I'm doing all at once so my steps have gone from "I think I can do 15k a day" to "OMG how am I going to get in 10k?!". Even with all of the craziness going on right now, I've decided to participate in a 2 mile walk for life on Saturday. Typically, it takes an hour for me to walk 2 miles, so I don't really forsee this being a problem. Not to mention, I get to raise money for a good cause, and get my walking in early so I can finish my paper due this week! It all falls into place.
For my friends who actually read this: would you be willing to donate to my cause? You have my number, text, call or otherwise message me (if there is another way to do so from your phone that will contact my phone...I don't have fancy iPhone-nonsense!) or you can hit me up on facebook. Prayers and support are likewise acceptable, but contributions help more!
Oh yeah, the update: I've made my 10k every day so far and we're almost done with week 4! Two weeks left to go! Woo!
April 27, 2013
My weekend disappeared in a flash.
It literally took from Saturday morning to Sunday night with brief intermissions for my niece's birthday, mass, and walking to finish the lesson plans, graphic organizers, rubric, mythology packets, and sample projects for the class. But it was totally worth it! The kids seemed to really get into the project and I think I may only be missing a handful of projects from students here and there. Not too bad, really!
Consequently, I was left feeling like the whole rest of my week was off in some way. I had some other obligations this week which resulted in me leaving to get to class an hour before it started when it takes an hour and a half to get there. I mentioned to my sister that the only way I was going to make it was if I hit every green light on the way up...and somehow I did. Which never happens. I don't mean rarely happens, I mean in all the year and a half I have been driving at various times of the day to get to this chool, I have never ever ever hit every green light all the way up to it.
The following day got even better. My folks left for the weekend and said they were going to be taking one of the cars with them. Not even giving this a second thought, I left all of the things I needed for class in one of the vehicles. When I finally made it to the point that I was ready to leave in the morning, I looked outside to see the wrong car in the driveway. Why is it that despite evidence to the contrary, we sometimes think that our own force of will might change a horrible situation into a better one? I intentionally grabbed the wrong set of keys hoping that somehow trying to open the doors with them would prove in some way that they had not taken the car I needed with all my stuff in it. Alas, this was not the case. The keys did seemingly nothing and I had to accept the fact that EVERYTHING I needed for class was gone for at least two days. Resigning myself to beg the other team of teachers at my school for their copy of the day's lesson materials, I quickly grabbed the right keys, locked up the house, and ran out the door...only to find the car I needed with everything still in the driveway on the other side of the house to my confusion, irritation, and intense relief. I turned to get the right keys and go back into the house only to realize that I had only grabbed the keys to the other car, not the house keys, and was completely entirely locked out of the house (possibly for two days or so) with no way of getting into the car to rescue my materials. In a moment I can only attribute to willful denial, I decided to try to open the car door anyway and somehow, somehow it was open! My sister managed to let me into my house a little later and all was right with the world, but I have to say, all these coincidences the last two days which have somehow worked out in my favor, I'm not really sure they're coincidences at all.
Despite my busy schedule, I have kept up with my walking and praying with God. I have successfully done 10k every day for the first two weeks of this adventure and we are coming around into the home stretch of week 3. Sunday we will be halfway done with this challenge. My step count has even gone up a little. This week, I've started to break 10k with a new record of over 13,000 steps. My new goal is to try for 15K over the next couple of weeks if time allows for it which has become my new adversary actually-time. I no longer feel the same fatigue and exhaustion as I had been feeling in the first couple of weeks. Quite the opposite in fact. I now have to walk because I am more energized when I do, I'm also more relaxed now that I have created this walking routine in my life. I didn't get stressed out over the weekend when I was spending the whole time working on projects for class and I didn't even freak out all that much when all of those frustrating situations were coming up. I was able to set aside that frustration and anxiety and key into my rationality to work through the situation better. That being said, I fully endorse walking 10K a day. It's good for you!
April 26, 2013
Today I am exactly seven months pregnant and this is what I've learned so far: just when I think Bishop has found every awkward position he could possibly be in, he finds a new even more awkward and uncomfortable position. I think I've figured out his motives. Whenever he makes me feel uncomfortable, I feel the need to rub my stomach so that he calms down and stops practicing his awkward yoga routine. Then it hit me: he's exactly like his father. He's just trying to manipulate me into rubbing his head. It's just like when John sets his head on my chest as a subtle way of telling me it needs a massage. Bishop is just trying to push his head through my stomach so that I'll reach down and start rubbing it. Boys.
I guess it could be that he's just so anxious to meet us that he's trying to get out. That makes me feel a little more loved and little less used. Either way, I can't wait to meet the little guy. And it's only partially because I'll be able to sit and lay down in whatever position I want.
April 23, 2013
Anyway, I met the Bloggess!
See? Proof. That is Teresa and me standing right next to her. John was there too. He took the picture. She also signed my book. I'd post a picture but... then I'd have to go take one and that might delay the writing of this post for another 3 weeks. Nobody wants that.
So, we got to meet her before the reading and official book signing. Why? I blame the bookstore but luckily everything worked out nicely. Apparently there were tickets I was supposed to purchase for the event in order to enter the store and be seated. I did not know this because there was no mention of purchasing tickets on the bookstore website which I checked the second the tours dates were announced and then I checked again about a month before the event. Of course they had added it sometime between then and the event because we checked as we were standing in line in the hopes that we could still get tickets.
But they were sold out. The Bloggess being the awesome person that she is felt bad that there were people who showed up that couldn't get in for the reading so she came out to meet us and sign our books before the event started. Then we stood around talking about what we might do since we drove an hour and a half and weren't about to just turn around and go home right away. About 2/3 of the people standing in line left right away. Then after a few minutes the store manager said we could come in and stand in the back as long as we weren't blocking anyone's view. So Teresa and I came in and were able to see and hear the reading and the Q and A. Plus we didn't have to pay for tickets. It was pretty awesome. We also didn't have to wait in line for the book signing since we already met her beforehand.
Also I have to say she's a lot funnier in person which is saying something because she's really funny on paper.
All in all, it was a successful adventure. Here's a bunch of other pictures I took in the bookstore.
|Poster of the book cover|
|My view from the back|
April 18, 2013
Something I keep coming back to is a sensation of emptiness or longing. These sensations were beginning again today and their familiarity caught my attention. Perhaps these are indicators that I'm not spending enough time with God. Today, I took my walk with my Dad which didn't really afford me much time in prayer with God. I've taken walks with other people during this 10K, but I've never really encountered this detachment before. Of course this is the first day in a while that I haven't spent a great deal of time in prayer either. I had also caught myself trying to think of things I could do to ignore or offset this emptiness and I think this is when I finally made the connection that I've been using distractions to interrupt my time with God. Separation from prayer leads to an accumulated sense of emptiness or longing, which leads to a need to do other things to distract from this feeling, which eventually leads towards sinfulness as it manifests either in frustration from lacking fulfillment in some sense or in other ways.
This really isn't anything novel or new. Essentially, I'm just restating how intentionally or unintentionally neglecting time I usually set aside to spend with God makes me feel empty and causes me to stray. It's the same things people have been saying for a while, but until I really noticed it in myself, I hadn't really understood it. Whether or not I spend time in prayer while I'm walking, I still get to count the steps towards the challenge for this school, but ultimately I feel like I took a step backwards today (no pun intended...even if I get to count those too). I shall have to try again tomorrow and in the meantime set aside some time tonight for some praying.
April 15, 2013
Today, I couldn't focus on the rosary. I kept thinking of some hymns as I walked though and eventually started to sing them until the cold sucked the joy out of me. I should get a hymnal to learn more songs one of these days so I can sing praises along with praying.
UPDATE: The end of the week means we total our step count. As of Sunday, I am officially over 75,000 steps! I'm doing better than I thought I would have at the onset. Woo!
April 14, 2013
I discovered when I went out today that I felt called to prayer. This is the first time I've ever really felt a calling to prayer. It was as if I needed to be praying while I walked, the words just coming forth. To be honest, I've never really prayed much in the past, so I'm rather in uncharted territory. So feeling the need to pray, not just intending to or wanting to, was another new experience for me. I'm not really sure what it means, whether I'm developing a habit or whether it's something more. I really feel like I should talk to someone who has had more devotion to prayer than I have. Maybe my sponser from RCIA.
Tomorrow marks my second week of walking 10K with God. If I didn't quit in my first week, I hope this bodes well for the next five.
April 12, 2013
This incident just made me really sad for those people. I have no idea who they are. There was absolutely no way they could have known who I was; I was walking around town in a hoodie I never wear with the hood up and they did this while my back was turned to them besides. This seems to suggest that they do this indiscriminately...unless they actually did somehow know who I was. Either way, it was a blaring reminder that people can just be so hateful no matter where you are. I'm seriously more worried for the other people they may do this to, however. I suppose I should have recorded their license plate number and called the police, but I also didn't want to make a scene if I wasn't hurt. I don't know. Maybe today I'll go back to the parks. At least there I don't have to worry about being attacked from a car again.
April 10, 2013
So far, my total is in the 11,000's. I also somehow managed to get 3k in today at school. Woo! Another first! I honestly wasn't sure that I was going to get in very much today. It's been on the brink of storming all day and has been at least overcast, if not torrential downpour (like this morning). I was pretty sure that I was either going to have to go walk around Wal-Mart or finally break down and find a place I could get a subscription to the gym at. For some reason, after coming home and getting some food, the cold outside didn't seem so very cold after all and it wasn't raining so I decided to go for it.
Interesting lesson of the day: going into a park to pray and walk is highly distracting. Walking around town and praying (where there is so much more going on and so many more people) less distracting! How does that even happen? Perhaps we're trained to block out so much more when we're in town than when we're trying to relax in woodsy areas, I don't know. All I know is that it was easier to pray the rosary without an actual rosary and walking around town than it has been when I'm trying to pray in the woods, walking around, and coming across others along the way.
On a side note, I've been consistently averaging 5 rosaries during my walk. This usually gets me around 7,000 of my 10K and takes approximately 1 hour 30 minutes. Over the course the day at school, I average around 1,500-2000K so that leaves me about 1000 to make up when I come home from school. I can't help but think that if I got up earlier, I could get a lot of walking in, instead of doing it at the end of the day. But then again, if I was that tired last night after I came home, I shudder to think what the last class of the day would be like.
One problem I have been coming across is that I'm just not sure about my prayer techniques. I didn't pray very often until recently. Pretty much it was only when people asked me to pray for them. I wonder if there are any good books out there on prayer.
EDIT: Oh yeah, I made my 10K yesterday too. Two for two!
April 8, 2013
Lesson of the day #2: while it's possible to read prayers and walk, it is not very effective. I think I need to pick some prayers that I know or memorize a few and say these whenever I do this because reading and walking isn't going to do it for me. I did manage to memorize some prayers while walking, through. I was saying a variation of the rosary today, but it wasn't one that I was familiar with, so I'm not sure how well I was meditating on it as much as I was trying to get it right and walk. Fun times!
Lesson #3: it's really hard to memorize prayer, pray, walk, and do all this while others are walking/running by. Being outside and with so much distraction I'm sure I lost my focus a number of times. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Lesson #4: sometimes when you're ready to give up on something, you can find inspiration randomly. About the fifth walk around the park, I was thinking "maybe I won't be able to do this" and then there was a random snake. For some reason, it just made the association to scripture for me and I found the inspiration to finish my first 10K.
I'm not sure how I'm going to manage this tomorrow, actually. It's supposed to be raining and I don't really have a gym I'm a member of. I wouldn't mind walking out in the rain, but I really can't afford to be sick. I'm still determined not to give up in the first week. That would be depressing. I may just settle for working out on some of our equipment at home.
Woo! I finished my first 10K with God!
April 7, 2013
I've known for a few weeks that I was going to participate in this activity, but I also decided to mix some eastern philosophy into this project. Having studied Tai Chi a few years ago with some really great people, I've started missing the act of meditation in motion. Since I've begun to pray more towards the end of Lent, the idea began to develop that I might do "prayer in motion" instead of meditation in motion. My idea is thus: I want to do 10K a day with God; walking with God if you will-although I don't intend to limit myself to just walking, I may do some meditation on scripture while I practice Tai Chi.
As such, I decided to continue blogging daily while I do this 10K a Day. I want to keep myself honest and for some reason I seem to do that better when I record publically than when I don't. I can't say for sure that I will blog every day, but I intend to try. We'll see where this goes.
April 4, 2013
For a while, I think, I struggled with the idea of angels because of a book I had read when I was younger which struck me as being completely off the wall and outside of Christian beliefs. For some reason, it always made me leery in the future about learning anymore about them. I dont' really know how much good literature is out there about angels, but if there are some good books, I'd love to read them. In the meantime, I'm left wondering about what the deal is with these hoods. All the angels in The Bible are depicted with them, and I think it was mentioned in Dogma, and I know I've seen this in other movies and paintings, but I guess it's just something that never really sank it. I think it's kind of a neat characteristic of them, though. Another thing I've always wondered about is the "choir of angels". I think I really need to get a journal to write down all these questions I have and start recording some answers.
April 2, 2013
Okay, okay, I said I was done on the whole confession topic, but I lied. So sue me! I tend to come back to things over and over again. I apparently have "Context" as a top strength which means I think a lot about the past and apply it to the present. I digress, however! So, while I was confessing, I was told about a book to read that would help to put some things into perspective. I couldn't find it at the library, so I ended up buying a copy (it was less than $20, so it wasn't a bad deal). After reading a bit of the first chapter and paging through it, I can definitely say I wish I had had this book whe I started dating. I don't really know I would have listened to it at the time, or if I even would have read it, but it already seems like it's a pretty level headed response to the 'dating scene' in modern days. Before I go about recommending it, I intend to put it on my reading list and finish it at a later point in time. Stay tuned!
March 31, 2013
In my entire life, despite my interest in theology, my devotion to Christ, and my general attempts at "being a good person", I have never really understood the concept of "being in love" as an analogy of one's faith until today. I am completely in love with the Catholic faith and traditions. It totally makes sense to me now. I'm also really looking forward to seeing how my faith grows and matures. I don't know whether I should keep this to a private journal, or whether I may continue to document these transitions through public blogging, however. We'll just see how things go.
Sometime towards the beginning of this blog (maybe more around the middle, I don't remember), I mentioned that I was concerned that doing a blog for Lent wasn't "good enough" as giving something up for Lent was. Upon reflection, I'm extremely glad that I had the opportunity to document the last stages of my journey from Protestantism to Catholicism. I also think that doing these blogs with more relation to my faith has given me the opportunity to reflect more truthfully about where I am and where I stand with God. When Angela and I started this blog, it really wasn't our intentions to be overtly political or religious. We just wanted an outlet to write and a way to keep our relationship together after college. I think this year, our blog became something more for me.
I hope sincerely that this little project will continue-if not over the course of the year, at least next year for Lent. If this happens to be Angela's last year, however, it has been an honor and a privilege for me to work with someone as amazing as her.
March 30, 2013
So Kris officially became Catholic today. She texted me and I immediately rushed to change her "about me" page to reflect her new life change. She demanded that I do so. Then I discovered that she had already made some edits which have apparently been there for months. I deleted them. That's my page to edit.
Happy Easter! from the Methodists AND (completely official) Catholics!
The ceremony at our church was pretty cool. They do a candle light ceremony for Easter. I have never been to one of those before. It started with the lighting of the fire then the lighting of the Jesus candle, then all of us got a lit candle which we shared with the rest of the congregation. My candle didn't want to stay lit. It went out twice. I was not to be deterred by an extinguished candle, however.
This entire time during Lent, the Church doesn't ring the bells during mass. This is like, my favorite part of mass, so it's pretty sad for me. I always wait for the bells to ring during the mysteries, but they don't for nearly two months. Then today, the bells just rang and rang. It was totally awesome! The bells coupled with the incense and candles made for a very surreal experience.
I think more than anything, the point in mass that really got to me the most, however, was being able to participate in the Eucharist finally. I have to admit, I cried. One has to understand that this has been an extremely emotional journey for me. I had always intended for my first communion in the church to be taken with my grandmother, but she passed away before this could happen. I still think she was there with me tonight.
Today is the last day of Lent. Jesus has returned from the dead and all is right with the world. I'll probably do a follow up post tomorrow just to finish out Easter anyway. Maybe that one will be more coherent. One can only hope. For now, I think I'm just going to go to bed. It has been a very long and very rewarding day.
Good night all, and hello to all of my new Catholic family!
March 29, 2013
I wanted so much to write up a post today articulating my current irritation. But in the middle of doing so, I was suddenly reminded of John Wesley and went about looking for one of my favorite sermons from him called "Catholic Spirit" (referring to the definition of "catholic" as universal). It's kind of funny how sometimes all it takes is a clear head and a fresh perspective and the worries of the world can disappear. I also think that I've finally discovered something that will help me with my anger problems in the future: just having good literature to refer to does wonders.
Since I am nowhere near articulate enough to emulate John Wesley, I want to share a link to this sermon with anyone who reads this blog. I hope you take the time to read it, meditate on it, and take it to heart. I can only imagine what the world would be like with a little more catholic spirit and a little less hostility...it's something I still need to work on.
March 28, 2013
Of posting left before lent is over. That's including today cause I'm not done writing yet.
So I went to the mall today because I wanted a different earring for the top of my ear. I was looking for a stud with a flat back which apparently people only wear as face jewelry so none of them match. I bought 2 different lengths because the person working there said they were interchangeable... They are not. It's a good thing one of them was on sale for $1 because it's pretty much useless now. And that is why you should never trust anyone at hot topic to know what they're talking about. I mean I don't expect every employee to know everything about everything they sell but they could at least admit if they don't know stuff. I didn't ask either. He just told me as if he was 100% sure. Lies....
This seemed to catch the poor sales girl off guard, for a brief moment, both of us stared at each other. I don't know whether she thought I was joking or not, but I was pretty serious. Eventually, I broke the silence by saying, "I don't need a ton of sales ads over a $1 purchase," and we moved on with our lives. Despite the discomfort from the sales girl, I wore the bunny ears for the rest of the day. It was only after I caught a glance of myself in a mirror that I saw how ridiculous they looked and this made me laugh and smile. I hope I made other people laugh today. Maybe I'll wear them tomorrow with an outfit they don't clash with and see if the same result applies.
I kind of wanted to wear them tonight and go to church service, but I accidentally fell asleep after my nephew left and I missed the window of opportunity to go tonight. I totally could have too. I don't exactly know what a "lord's supper" service is like, but it sounded neat. I think I heard the the priests wash feet also. Ah well, there's always next year.
2 more days and I am officially Catholic.
March 27, 2013
I should go start my blanket. Give it a fighting chance.
While I was at Wal-Mart yesterday with my parents, I found some "scented" prayer candles. I use the term "scented" lightly. They have a smell, it's very hard to detect without lighting it and impossible to detect after lighting it. I was a little disappointed, but for about a dollar a piece it wasn't a terrible deal. They even come with a neat prayer you can say while lighting them. I never really know with these kinds of things, though...are we meant to light them and keep them lit? Because that seems dangerous, to leave a lit candle going like that in a house.
So, I've taken to using these candles to help with my focus while I pray the rosary. So far, I have been pretty consistent in the amount of time it takes for me to pray it. I'm sure 15 minutes is really short in comparison to others, but I'm not sure how to pray the rosary and make it take longer. I'm not just rapid firing through payers here, it just seems like it doesn't take very long to get through it. I think I need some literature or something about how to pray the rosary, but so far the internet hasn't been very helpful in those regards. Maybe I'll end up picking up that cd from church after all.
One thing I can say, though: praying has helped me calm down for bed. I've had a few nights where I've been so exhausted, I've hardly been able to keep my eyes open while praying the rosary, but those are really exceptions to the rule. Typically, I find meditating on the mysteries and scripture passages relatively easy. Further, I typically hae problems calming my brain down enough to fall asleep when I'm ready for bed. Praying before bed has helped me to relax my brain, giving it something to focus on, and allowed me to fall asleep afterwards. I've been told before that meditation would help, but I've never really been able to make it work the way prayer does.
That's it, that's all I have. I'm out.
March 26, 2013
I finally got my book! It's the book by the bloggess who we are going to see next week. I'm gonna get it signed! It's gonna be fun times. Bishop is super excited too. He's kicking me right now. He's gonna hear this story for years about how he met the bloggess before he was born. I might even post a blog about it even though it's after Easter. Maybe.
So, I do actually feel a lot better today. Who would have guessed? These things that I've been struggling with all my life, put into perspective, and coupled with a few words of absolution really have left me feeling better. It's almost doubly so because there was no judgemental repercussions involved with telling someone about the wrong-doings in my life. This is something I have struggled with time and again in Protestant churches. Whenever I have talked to a minister of some sort about something very private, it has either ended up as church gossip, or they have told my parents about it. Not so with the Catholic church. I know that what I said isn't going to get spread around, because the priest can't say anything to anyone. Also, there's something therapeutic and freeing about being able to unburden your conscience on someone else without fear of social reprisal. I don't know. Overall, the whole being nervous thing was for nothing, especially since I really do feel better now than I did before.
And that's all that I'm going to say on that. Four or five posts about one topic is even too much for me. Sorry!
March 25, 2013
We're still in the process of setting up our apartment. It's kinda hard when we have random things back at our other place still.
I told Kris I was gonna post about pregnancy and kittens.... Because apparently that's all I know how to post about. I would.... But it's really hard to concentrate because there's people here and my husband is talking really loud right next to me. I feel like I'm gonna start typing about cartoons and whatever else he's talking about.
Anyway, yay for 200 posts. Here's 201. That doesn't feel very significant.
I had such a hard time today with wrapping my head around the idea of going to confession today. I couldn't eat anything past noon and I was just a nervous wreck on my way to the church. I did manage to memorize the act of contrition prayer, but I had such a hard time trying to remember it that I accidentally ended up remembering that and forgetting what I needed to confess. Our church had three other priests to help out with the reconciliation services for Easter, so I had every intention of going to someone I didn't know, but my sponsor recommended we go to one of our priests...the one who was doing face to face confessions in public. You can guess that my heart was really pounding by now.
So there I stood in line, mentally rehersing the act of contrition prayer and the other things I had to say, compiling a mental list of things to confess that I kept thinking about, worrying about having to do a face to face confession and wanting nothing better than to walk out of the church, because this is the thing that I have been dreading. And...it was really no big deal. I did manage to remember most of everything I needed to confess, at least the important parts, but then I didn't need to say the act of contrition prayer, so....yeah. Life is like that sometimes.
I guess I feel better now, but I don't know whether I feel better because my sins have been absolved or whether I feel better because I'm done with my first confession. I'll know tomorrow.
As a side note: This is the 200th post for our blog! Woo!
March 24, 2013
They ran through a fake confession for us to watch and get an idea of how things go. I think I either zoned out or just was too freaked to really hear how it went, but I don't remember ANY of it. Augh! I guess on the one hand, I'm glad that I'm converting now before I get too much older. Doing a first confession in my 20's is easier than doing it when I'm older, but still pretty difficult. More updates tomorrow, for now I'm going to try to distract my mind with other things.
March 23, 2013
Heavy on the sarcasm. We got the bulk of our stuff into our new apartment. We had a lot of help, thank god, because my physical abilities are less than acceptable. Now our apartment is a mess but it doesn't even matter as long as our bed gets put together. Now we just have to organize, get the rest of our stuff, and clean the old apartment.... Later. Right now it's rest time.
March 22, 2013
I'm gonna try to get some sleep now so that I'm not completely useless tomorrow. I know I'm gonna be at least mostly useless but hopefully not completely.
Incidentally, I did eat the chicken. I am a horrible horrible person.
March 21, 2013
Nothing exciting happened today. I packed 3 1/2 drawers of clothes. I watched kittens fight... And nap. Etta almost fell in the giant box for the tv. She pulled herself back up right before she slipped in completely. It was epic. Then she continued playing with the box. I guess she didn't learn her lesson. Or maybe she did cause she never fell in. She likes to tempt fate.
The two of them seem to be doing really good together. They keep each other distracted when I wanna kick them out of our room but they are still social with us when we're in the same room. Its win win. Except when I finish a meal and they're both sleeping on me. I just have to learn to not feel bad about disrupting sleeping kittens.
I'm not really sure what I can do to get over this other than just working through it, so I guess that's what I'll do. Really short post today, I have a lot I'm working on. I'll try to post something of more content during spring break.
March 20, 2013
I started thinking about how I spend so much time worrying about myself recently. I mentioned in an earlier post about how I really liked the idea of doing those random acts of kindness. Now I think I've found a way to bring these two concepts (praying the rosary and random acts of kindness) together. Instead of praying for myself, my intentions are to pray for others. I think this is applicable. I did some quick reading online (because everything on the internet is true) and it seems like you can pray the rosary for someone else. I guess I should double check with my RCIA instructor, but I don't see why this wouldn't be doable.
So, if anyone has prayer requests, let me know.
I packed two whole boxes today! I also threw away some stuff that would have taken up room in boxes. At this rate, I'll have six boxes packed by moving day. Maybe I should pick up the pace. Or I can just get rid of all my stuff. Decisions....
Spring breaks next week. I can't believe lent's almost over. I don't even feel like I talked about anything important in my blog this year. Maybe I should step it up next week... Or next year. Actually I'll probably be worse cause I'll have an infant next year. He'll be demanding all of my time. All of it. There will be none left over. Probably.
March 19, 2013
So we're moving this weekend. It sounds exciting and it should be exciting but I'll be way more excited when its all over. I hate packing. I just want all my things to magically appear in our new place. Its not even the heavy lifting cause I'm not allowed to do that anyway, I just don't like organizing my stuff and putting it in boxes. But it'll all be worth it when we actually have room for all our baby stuff. Also we'll get to hang out with Kayla all the time. The shenanigans practically write themselves.
I'll leave this post on a cute note... because kittens.
In all seriousness, though, I have caught the travel bug. It was a little weird being in Canada last year, seeing another flag flying and receiving different currency, but ultimately it was amazing. I'd love to go back, but even more so I want to go to other places now as well. Who knows, maybe one day I'll end up living outside of the U.S.
I wonder what I have to do to get citizenship elsewhere, and if I could keep my current citizenship...
March 18, 2013
I started selling some of my books on Amazon. I have too many of them I don't read or even look at so I thought I could make some money off them. I actually sold one on the first day. I was kinda surprised. It was one of my history texts from sierra college which is over 6 years old. Maybe it just hasn't been updated in 6 years.
A lot of my books have teeth marks on them. One was in almost perfect condition except for some bite marks on the cover. I can't even be mad cause I know they were from Olive.
I put off blogging too late today. Now I'm all tired and can't think. At least I didn't forget.
I put in the last of my CDs today and the speaker was talking about how prayer is integral to having a relationship with God. I'm wondering of my desire to spend more time at church is a recognition that I really pray well when I'm there. Otherwise, my prayer life isn't all that great. I always say I should pray more, but sometimes I feel so awkward praying. It also doesn't help that I loaned out my prayer book...although really that's more a cop out. I could download prayers from the internet for free and pray them or meditate on scripture.
I was more or less surprised to learn that I think my loneliness stems from a lack of relationship with God. I guess I should really start praying more and I think I may even keep a prayer journal or something. I have to wonder if anyone I know has had much experience with that. This is something to look into.
March 17, 2013
I have a tendency to find these things. I'm not really bragging. It's just something I've done since childhood. Since it's St. Patrick's day and since I didn't really do much of anything neat for the holiday other than going to mass, I decided to spread some luck around the internet. No, this image isn't mine. It's not one I found, other than on the internet, but it's a very nice four leaf clover nonetheless. I hope everyone had a good St. Patrick's Day and I hope no one has too bad of a hangover the next morning. It is Monday after all, people!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
March 16, 2013
I am completely petrified about confession. I have talked with a lot of people about it, and even though my concerns are alleviated, it doesn't really help the situation any. First off, I'm slightly claustrophobic and those booths aren't very big. I could open the window to talk with the priest face to face and make it seem like there's more space, but that leads into my second fear. I don't trust people very well. Like, at all. I've had problems in the past with the church where I have gone to someone I trust to talk about issues I'm having and the next thing I know, it's church gossip. While I have been assured that priests cannot under any circumstances break their silence on this issue, and while I realize I don't even have to worry about it, this has been so common an occurrence in every protestant church I've been a part of that I can't get over my anxiety.
The third issue is that I have to make my first confession at an age where I have a lot of significant things to confess for. As if my anxieties weren't enough of an issue. Working up the courage to go, let alone say all that I've done wrong to be forgiven is nerve wrecking. I know I really ought to talk with Father about this, because I'm pretty sure he could help out, but I don't even know how to bring something like this up. Two more weeks and the big day arrives, so I guess I better figure something out.
Now I have 2 kittens crowding my belly. Whenever I sit down, double the cuteness ends up on my lap. Although usually I pick Broyles up cause he's still being shy. Etta just plays circles around him while he's still trying to figure out where he is. Broyles is a little cutie. He looks like a little bear. I'm glad Etta has someone to keep her company at night now. They slept in the shoebox together last night. So much cuteness. We need a bigger apartment to contain it all.
March 15, 2013
So we've officially been approved for our new townhouse! We're gonna have more space and a roommate! Kayla being to lucky one who gets to live with us. Now I'll have another person to bug besides John. And our kittens will have another person to harass. It's a win all around.
In kitten related news, Etta has figured out how to climb up the mattress propped up in our living room. She knows how to get down, I've seen her do it, but it seems like every time I come home, she's up there whining at me to get her down. Does she forget? Or is she just being lazy? Either way, I just pat her on the head and tell her I know she'll figure it out and she always does.
I learned that I need to be careful when accessing prior knowledge. Apparently it can accidentally confuse your students. I guess everyone focused on the earth being round instead of the earth orbiting the sun. After today, though, I have to say I really felt like I failed some students...especially if they are under the misconception that the earth is flat. Ironically, in teaching about the middle ages, I may have accidentally set some students back to that era of mentality.
March 14, 2013
Well I never got my lemon tree. Someone else got the house and we had to keep looking. We did find a spacious townhouse. We're the only ones who put in an application so its pretty much ours. The downside is we don't get a yard but the upside is we don't have to buy appliances and the master bedroom is huge. If all goes well, we could be moved out before April.
I saw Bishop kick my stomach today. Its the first time I've seen movement from the outside. He moves a lot especially when I lay down. I guess my rest time is his workout time. He's gotta practice his awesome crime fighting moves for when he becomes Batman.
Now, the problem when I listen to the radio and it's playing awesome rock music, is that I have a tendency to drive a little over the limit...and like a maniac...all over the road...as I rock out. I don't club and I don't really dance, but for some reason the combination of a vehicle capable of high speeds and awesome rock makes me insane. But in this case, I think it was worth it!
After tonight, I have exactly six classes and one exit interview left on campus and student teaching. In two weeks, I will be Catholic.
This journey is almost coming to an end....and so is Lent and our Lent Blog. It's like a great big culmination!
March 13, 2013
So today I went to the same school to do the same job as yesterday but it was even more awesome. After 2 periods, I had a prep period and as the students were coming in for 4th period, the teacher came back and said I could go. So I got to leave an hour early. The students weren't happy because they were supposed to finish watching Willy Wonka but they didn't get to since the teacher was there to teach. They had to do actual work and I got to go home and rest.
It was a good day. Also I have Willy Wonka songs stuck in my head.
I'm actually looking forward to seeing what will come next. I know the election of the last Pope wasn't so long ago, but I don't really remember much about it. Last time, I also didn't have much of a vested interest in what was going on. I think other things were making my life 'too busy' to care. Also, I wasn't quite ready to become Catholic yet. I mean, I suppose I could always read about the process on the internet somewhere, but something about watching it play out just seems so much more interesting. I wish I would have been able to come home early today in time to see the white smoke on the news for myself!
March 12, 2013
So I showed up for a half day of subbing today and guess what.... It actually is a half day! The last 2-3 times I've showed up for an early half day, I've ended up staying a full day. One time there was just a mistake in Subfinder and they changed it to full day after I got there (of course I agreed to it first). Another time I showed up for a half day and I got a call from the office asking if I could fill in the rest of the day for a different teacher because he had some emergency. I panicked for a second this morning when the secretary handed me the sub folder and my roll sheet went all the way to period 6 but when I asked her, she explained that the computer prints all periods automatically and the teacher would be back for the last 2 periods. What's even more awesome is I'm pretty sure I'm getting paid for a full day because I'm here for 4 1/2 hours... for 2 days in a row. I'm getting paid 2 full days for teaching 3 periods a day. I need more jobs like this.
Of course the best way to ensure I don't get roped into more hours than I planned is to book late half days. That way I show up around 11 and leave when school ends. They could call and ask me to come early but I don't usually answer the phone when I'm sleeping. It's much harder to say no when I've already gotten myself ready and arrived at the school. My only excuse for declining is not bringing lunch which, given my current state of growing a child, is a really good excuse but it sounds really stupid coming out of my mouth. This is why I always bring extra snacks because I can't say no. It's twice the money and I've already made it out of bed. If it's an easy class, I'm really only getting paid for being awake. If it's middle school, I'm cursing life and its horrible injustice.
Also I got super lucky with these classes. I have one period of advanced freshmen and two periods of seniors. He also has two periods of regular freshmen but they're both after lunch and I'll be gone. Only the most well behaved students for me :)
March 11, 2013
I almost forgot to post again. I'm really slipping. I only remembered cause I checked Facebook and saw a status update from Kris and thought "oh no, I didn't blog yet!"
So I had my first WIC appointment today. It is waaaaaaaay easier than applying for medi-cal. I didn't even have to wait to see someone. It's nice to have an assistance program that's actually pleasant to go to and deal with the staff.
Bishop has been moving like crazy the past few days. He's getting bigger... And stronger. He likes to work out when I'm ready to sleep. Boys....
On the plus side, I've stumbled onto something. When I am completely exhausted, I can write. I don't mean I can necessarily write well, but I can get words out at least. It feels like I have completely stopped caring about how I sound or what the content is. When I'm this tired, I can somehow ignore all of my insecurities because I have just stopped caring about them. Now, the question to ask is: is what I've written any good? Ok, well maybe the second question is: can anyone understand what I was saying? I may be an unconsciously fantastic writer who doesn't make a lick of sense. Or maybe I am a completely boring writer who makes a lot of sense, who knows?
It's time fo rme to go to class now, so I'll end this here. I just hope I can make it to and from class without falling asleep tonight. Woo!
March 10, 2013
So since I missed one day last week (that no one even noticed), Kris is making me post on Sunday to make up for it. That's right, Kris has become the lent blog police. It's a serious task which involves monitoring the writing habits of two individuals during lent, herself included. That means I'm the only one who gets in trouble if I don't write.
Actually we should be holding each other accountable but.... I've got other shit to do. Not as much stuff as Kris... but stuff. Besides she's really good at monitoring herself. I'd hate to take that away from her. Because I love her. With love. And kittens.
Even though I will have one more paper to write, I'm actually a lot more relaxed than I have been throughout this entire experience. One more paper almost seems like nothing in comparison to everything else I've had to do. Now I just need to worry about finding a job!
March 9, 2013
Etta is pissed. Every night we put her to bed in the bathroom. We don't trust her on our bed cause she pees on it and if we left her just outside the bedroom, she would scratch on the door. So we shut her in the bathroom and to show her displeasure, she uses every possible variation of angry meow she can. It's kinda funny listening to her. It's like she thinks if she can just find the right tone of voice, the door will magically open. Or maybe she thinks it'll make us feel guilty and let her out. Unfortunately for her, our desire for uninterrupted sleep is much stronger than our feelings of guilt. Also my desire to not get peed on.
This is why I'm glad they don't stay kittens forever.
For instance, the world just seems a little less sane today. It feels like so many people are talking about insignificant things. I'm not the least among them, I realize. This whole post is about my perception on things, and really that's kind of trivial as well. Today it just seems more evident to me. I found myself on facebook looking at posts and wondering "Why am I even here?"
It's not just "the problem of facebook", though. The whole focus of everything just seems wrong. I wish I could put my finger on it.
March 8, 2013
I told Angela she should write on a Sunday to make up for missing a day, but since I write on Sundays I can't exactly follow my own example. I suppose I'll just have to post twice today! Which is fine, because I fully intended to write today anyway.
I suppose I owe this to Angela, though:
Today I subbed for a half day. I wish I had some exciting story to tell about it but it was just boring. I watched kids do art then I watched them play basketball. The teacher forgot to finish his sub notes though. He said he would be back on.... I don't know cause the notes just stop right there. It's like he was abducted in the middle of writing it. I didn't feel the need to launch an investigation though cause I saw him outside the school as I pulled into the parking lot. Plus he came back 8th period. That must be what he wanted to write.
That was all my excitement today. An unfinished note. Can you imagine my level of boredom if he had finished it? Thank God for ADD.
March 7, 2013
My students are learning about the middle ages and medieval Europe. This means I get to teach about Christianity in a public setting. I'm a little nervous about this because I'm not really sure how much I can elaborate upon the material covered in the textbook. I suppose as long as I'm not telling students what to believe or teaching them prayers or whatnot, I'll be fine, but it's always a fine line to walk. Parents are funny and we've had instances during the year already where students have gone home and misrepresented conversations in class to the chagrin of their parents.
Even so, I like that I get to teach about something that I actually know quite a bit about. Well, not that I'm not doing that now anyway. This entire semester has been great because I've been able to cover all the civilizations I know a lot about, and only had to deal with two lessons in one I don't know very much about at all. So, I guess it's just nice that I get to talk about something I'm very passionate about, even if I can't say too much about it...or something like that.
Maybe I should have waited to write about this topic until after I did those lessons...
Let me amend this title: Teaching Christianity Part I
I've noticed an odd phenomenon lately around this apartment. Whenever I sit still long enough, there's a sleeping kitten on me. When I finish my morning cereal, I have to move a sleeping kitten off me. Anytime I sit on my bed: sleeping kitten. I waited an hour to get my lunch today because I didn't want to disrupt her nap. She wasn't even done either, I had to move her cause I was so hungry. I'm laying on the bed as I write this and she's actually not on me. She's curled up under my arm. I kicked her off the bed when she farted while curled up on my chest. Farting is not cute, even for kittens. Especially so close to my face.
Sometimes it's cute having a tiny fluffy shadow. Except when she wants to play and tries to trip me EVERY STEP I TAKE. I've never had such a cuddly kitten. I blame the pregnancy. Olive used to be a daddy's girl until I got pregnant and then she was all over me. I guess kittens are sensitive to pregnancy too.
March 6, 2013
Now don't get me wrong, I actually really like doing this Lent blog. I like taking time out of my life to devote to writing. That's kind of the issue I've been struggling with this year, though. Am I really writing a blog for Lent because this is in some way a testament of my faith, or is this a way to get myself to write? Based off of the content of my blogs for the last two years, I think I've come to the conclusion that it may actually be the latter.
Here's where the random acts of kindness come in. I was reading an article about a girl who is honoring her grandmother's life by doing 89 random acts of kindness. She's been talking about her journey in this process online and it's become an inspiration to many to follow her example. I think that's awesome! I think it's so awesome that this time next year, I want to come up with something I will actually do in service to God...and then I guess blog about it because I like this yearly blog tradition regardless of what the motivations are.
March 5, 2013
Today I decided to catch up on some homework. I have a paper left to write, but I can't really concentrate on it. I keep thinking about the Lighthouse cds I got from church. The idea of listening to theology while I drive is such a novel concept, but it didn't go far enough yesterday. Now that I've had time to think it over, my desire to listen to theology has pretty much extended into my everyday life. I am literally drooling over the idea of finding some podcasts to listen to...ok well no, not literally. I just realized how stupid that sounds. I'm not salivating as I type...yet.
I really should have used today to investigate some areas I can get podcasts or other lectures for free to put on my iPod. I guess that also means I'll have to figure out a way of getting my iPod to download music onto this computer so I don't lose my play list. Hmmm...seems like an awful lot of work with the potential for huge pay offs!
I can't believe I forgot to blog yesterday. I guess I've officially failed lent this year. I'm gonna blame pregnancy brain. It's seriously starting to get me. There was a lot of small things today that made me feel stupid. Then yesterday I was driving around with Kayla and I kept forgetting where I was going. *sigh* It's gonna be a fun 4 months. Then when the baby's actually here, I'll continue to be stupid from sleep deprivation.
Anyway, yesterday Kayla and I went to Walmart and she bought our baby a Captain America onesie and a little tshirt with a dinosaur and robot fighting! They're both adorable. It's nice to have friends who just wanna buy your baby stuff cause it's cute. This baby is gonna be so spoiled :)
March 4, 2013
As for these CDs, they're actually really good. They're entertaining, there's a lot of good theology, and they have kept me from speeding on my to and from places. Music tends to pump me up too much and I get the road rage, but listening to someone talk? Who knew? Lighthouse seems to have a good collection so far from what I have listened to. I already want to get some money together to donate for more. I only donated enough for five, but I think I'm going to blow through these pretty quickly. It makes me wonder if there are any websites that offer free lectures for download so that I could put some of these on my iPod. Then I'd be in business.
I think this is the first step twoards a new addiction. I've never really liked the idea of listening to books on tape or anything like that while driving. I typically enjoy listening to music. It gives me time to think and put some thoughts in order. I have to admit, though, I felt really relaxed driving too and from school listening to someone talking about theology. Instead of reading more, I'll bet I start getting out of control with these CDs.
March 3, 2013
One of the first weeks of RCIA, we learned about this neat little prayer that was suppose to evoke the help of St. Andrew to help you find lost things. I thought it was kind of interesting, but I haven't really tried it. It's just one of those things that stick with you for some reason. Then yesterday I completely lost my cell phone. I mean, this sucker was gone. It was on silence on top of everything else, so there was absolutely no chance of finding it. I had been all over the house, I'd cleared off every table, I'd gone through boxes and garbage cans, I'd looked in cushions and on the floor. It. Was. Gone.
In a fit of desperation and complete giving up, I used that little prayer from RCIA. Not two minutes later, my Dad walks into another room and comes back with my cell phone. It had somehow made its way into our basement. Go figure. I'm convinced cell phones are evil buggers that try to lose themselves when it's least convenient just to make our lives miserable. That's on top of going off at inappropriate times, failing to work properly when we need them to, and arbitrarily dying when you absolutely have to make a phone call to name a few of their delinquent behaviors. While I'm not saying a Saint had nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon than to come down into my house and find my misbehaving electronic device, it was rather coincidental...and bears watching.
Although if there is a Saint that wants to come down and finish my homework for me like a magical shoe-making elf, I'd be very grateful.