My Reminders

I recently started an art project to put on my wall next to my bed where I can see it everyday.  It will have messages that I've received from God in this past year with room to add new messages in the future.  That way when I receive an important message, I can be sure that I won't forget.  Below I will list the messages and why I needed to hear them.  But before I start, I just want to acknowledge that my whole heart is in this post and this will not be easy to write. 

Here is the beginning of my project:

On separate papers will be my 3 reminders as follows.

1. You are not God. 

Last year I was in spiritual turmoil.  It all started with prayer.  I noticed that I wasn't praying very much and my spirit felt like it was asleep.  I asked myself why I wasn't praying and I realized I didn't trust God.  And then I probed deeper and realized I didn't trust that God was real.  I felt that no one was listening so I stopped trying to connect.  When I realized what I felt, I said a prayer to God.  I wanted to know the truth.  I said "I don't want to be comforted, I want to know the truth."  That lead to me questioning everything about life.  I asked all the scary questions that I usually try to push aside and not think about like "what happens to us when we die?"  I tried to bravely face the truth but I just kept getting more scared.  One night, I was laying in bed unable to move or talk just feeling the weight of the universe on my tiny little shoulders.  One day I walked Bishop to school and just stared at all the objects and plants and people and life happening around me like they were alien.  I was shaken to my core. 

I slowly began to make peace with my fear and found a way to continue existing.  Then I received a message "You are not God".  Even if God does not exist, it is not me.  I can't change anything by worrying and being afraid.  Me worrying about bad things that might happen will not make it so.  There IS a truth and none of us know what it is.  Trying to carry the weight of the universe will not change the truth of it. 

I do believe in God.  I have seen love and I know that it's real and I believe that love comes from somewhere.  My goal in this life is to spread that love as much as I can. 


2. You may... or you may not. 

Some of you may know I've been doing quite a bit of personality work lately.  This is the message that made all that work click and fall into place.  I've been learning about all my negative tendencies and have been thinking about ways to overcome those.  The problem is feeling that there are things I SHOULD be doing.  I feel bad because I have a number of artistic projects that I've started and never finished and I see that pattern and feel like I won't be able to break out of it.  When I think I SHOULD be doing something, it makes me feel like I've already failed in some way.  When I heard the words "you may... or you may not" it took all the shame out of the process.  I hear it like "you have permission to use your gifts, you can create something with them, it doesn't matter what you haven't done in the past".  Now I just feel ready to go.  And ready to post this blog that I've been thinking about posting for months.  I may post it and I may not.  I've decided that I may. 


3. Do Justice. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly.

Some of you may recognize this as a bible verse.  It's one that gives me hope and courage.  It also reminds me of my mom because there's a song written around this verse that she used to play in church.  My mom was the first person who taught me how to be Christian. 


Whew.  This is me.  My heart is on this page.  And I hope the holy spirit as well. 

Post-break

Easter break was 2 weeks long.  Now it's over so I'm back.  I had to get used to having Bishop home all the time.  We both got tired of him being home.  Last week, he asked me when school was starting.  He was so happy to go back today.  Now I've got a month and a half before he's off for the summer.  It's gonna be interesting.  Then I'll have a first grader!  Then after that, he'll be going off to college!

My brain is like an avalanche, I can't help it.  As I was exiting my 20s, I kept thinking "OMG I'm gonna be 30, I'm basically gonna die tomorrow!"  Sometimes I can't help but live in the future.  But now that I'm in my 30s, I'm starting to forget how old I am.  Maybe that's my brains form of self defensive.  "You're getting older.  How old?  I don't know at least 30.  That's not so bad is it?".  Then I wander off and do something childish like coloring or something crazy like having a conversation with the cat.  She's wise.  She's been through some stuff.  Also she's biting me a lot less.  I think she likes me.  Or maybe she's just filling me with a false sense of security so she can strike harder.  Cats are evil like that.  But also they're angels.  Just not when they're being evil. 

Also today is my BFFFFFF's birthday!  Happy Birthday Brandi!  You're the greatest and the cutest.  

Kittens and babies

I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it here this Tuesday.  I already made tentative plans to do a make up blog on Wednesday because I'm baby sitting today.  But it's cool because John came home early so now it's a joint effort.  And I have time to blog.  You would think it would be super easy for me to watch babies because I had 2 already but it's different when it's someone else's baby.  We don't understand each other because I don't spend all day with him.  So a lot of my time is just trying to figure out what he's telling me.  Also my baby carrying muscles are weak because Marshall doesn't want to be held all the time.  As soon as he receives his comfort, he wants down and he's off playing again. 

So we got a cat!  Her name is Janet.  Marshall calls her "Jammit" which is adorably hilarious.  I named her after Janet Snakehole, April Ludgates alter ego from Parks and Recreation.  She wears all black and she's a "very rich widow with a terrible secret".  So Janet is all black and she's very adorable.  She slept in our bed the first night she was here.  When I laid down, she was already under my covers.  I'm so glad we have her!  I feel like we needed a cat.  Marshall especially needed one.  He needs to be around his own kind.  Cause he's actually a kitten. 

The kids watching TV with 'Jammit'