December 18, 2018

Light-sabers

So I was looking for inspiration about what to write today.  I browsed through my documents on google drive and found a something titled "subject list".  It was from a more ambitious time when Kris and I were going to write about certain topics every week.  We literally never got started.  But I did write down some random subjects to write about.  The flashiest on the list was light-sabers!  I was probably watching my son destroy the apartment with a light-saber when I came up with that list.  Everything else was boring. 

Anyway, after Bishop broke a light bulb in his room with his toy light-saber, it was confiscated.  I'm pretty sure he had broken something else before that and there was way too many near misses.  Just seeing him holding it was enough to put my anxiety through the roof.  He's probably gonna be in therapy like 20 years from now talking about how his parents never let him have light-sabers and he'll have a whole room in his house that's just ceiling to floor light-sabers and swords.  At least he'll be protected against Emperor Palpatine.  No Sith will be safe in that house.  It's a good thing we took his toy light-saber away so he hoards them later.  Now I know he'll be protected as an adult.  As we all know, Sith attack is the number one threat to adulthood. 

Ironically, one of the other subjects on that list was "Being an Adult".  Bishop is going to be an interesting adult.  I honestly can't wait to see it.  I mean I can wait, cause he's my baby and I want him to stay that way as long as possible, but it will also be fun to watch him grow up.  Picking his brain is already one of my favorite activities.  He has some crazy ideas about how things work. 

December 11, 2018

It's the Holidays

I want to be excited about it but I haven't finished my shopping yet.  I remember when I used to have finals and term papers due this time of year.  That was awful.  Thank god that's over with. 

I'm having trouble writing today.  My thoughts are just everywhere except any suitable topic.  My brain is like "topic? no, lets think about all this personal stuff you can't share about!"  And I'm over here like "Brain!  I said I was gonna post every Tuesday!  Don't make me a liar!"  But I guess my brain doesn't really care so I'm just stuck here arguing with myself. 

By the way, the 'personal stuff' has nothing to do with John.  I feel like every time someone talks about non-specific personal issues, you assume it's the spouse first.  I mean it makes sense because that's the person you spend the most time with so the odds are higher that it's them, but it's not.  John is a perfect human being that can do no wrong and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.  Including John.  Because I know he'll disagree with me but he's wrong. 

So now that I've argued with myself and some fictional person who theoretically wants to fight me, I've run out of people to argue with.  I need a Kris.  She's really good at arguing.  I'm actually looking forward to my kids being teenagers.  I feel like they'll be really good at arguing about nonsense.  That's all I really need in life.  Real arguments make me uncomfortable, but nonsense arguments are the best.  That's seems like a good place to end.  My brain is spent. 

December 4, 2018

Not Shy

I was recently contemplating my "shyness".  I put it in quotes because I'm not entirely sure what being shy entails and I'm not quite sure it accurately describes my social nature.  I feel like everyone has a different definition of exactly what it means.  I don't think the word technically applies to me but considering the number of times I've been asked "why are you so quiet?" in my lifetime, I'm sure there are many people who see me as 'shy'.  I suppose I could look up a definition and settle the matter but that won't stop people from thinking I'm shy in real life.  It's not like every time someone points out how shy I am I pull a dictionary out of my pocket to correct their terminology and offer them a more appropriate word to describe myself.  That would involve engaging in conversation and I don't do that because I'm.... a quiet person. 

I actually did figure out the heart of the issue.  The key lies in drama class.  I've always enjoyed acting.  Even when I was terrified to stand on stage and perform, I still volunteered for plays.  It's like some invisible force was pushing me into these uncomfortable situations.  Then at some point between middle school and high school, I started to enjoy the adrenaline rush of being on stage.  I loved being in drama club.  It was one of the biggest anomalies of my life, to be so quiet and practically invisible at my small high school but jump at the chance to perform in front of an audience.  But there was one part of drama club I did not enjoy.  I absolutely hated Freeze. 

For those who didn't go to my high school and take drama, Freeze is a game where everyone stands in a circle with 2 actors in the middle.  They improvise a scene until someone yells 'freeze'.  Then both people freeze and the new person chooses an actor to tag out and they take their place and start a new scene.  The only time I ever played it is when the drama teacher would yell freeze and then insert me into the scene.  Then I had to come with a scenario on the spot.  Sound familiar?  This is what real life conversations are like except way less scripted than real life.  You could be anyone, anywhere, any time and it was terrifying.  As many of you know, I am terrible at making decisions.  The less meaningful the decision, the harder it is to make and 30 seconds of make-believe in drama class is one of the most meaningless decisions I can think of.  I'd rather be walking around the school naked, on the way to take a test I didn't study for than come up with 30 seconds of make-believe with someone I barely talk to in real life. 

So that is the heart of my issue: improvisation.  That's why I love writing so much.  There no one here judging what I'm writing as I type it and I can proof read before anyone sees it.  But real conversations require a lot of improv.  Yeah, society provides us with a small script sometimes but it's taken me years to learn that so you can just imagine how awkward my teenage years were.  I don't mind being seen or heard when I have a script.  I'm not afraid of people noticing me or paying attention to me.  I'm afraid of people expecting me to say something when I have nothing to say. 

This is also why I suck at class discussions.  By the time I formulate something worth saying, the conversation has usually moved in a different direction.  I need time to think and ponder what I want to say and usually people want an answer right away. 

And that's why I'm not shy.  I don't know what to call it.  Bad a improv.  There should be a word for that. 

November 27, 2018

Honesty

Today it's raining and Bishop isn't allowed to watch TV.  I just spent about 30 minutes doing dishes while answering a constant barrage of questions.  Theoretically, Bishop should now know how the clean/ dirty sign works and why you can freeze applesauce and yogurt but not cheese but I guarantee he will ask me those questions again.  It's not enough for him to hear an answer to a question; he has to make sure that answer stands the test of time and that every person will give him the same answer. 

The reason he can't watch TV is because yesterday I walked out of my room to find him with a mouth full of Rice Krispy.  Then as soon as he could talk, he proudly told me that he ate 5 of them.  It's a weird feeling as a parent to be mad but also proud that your child is so honest.  He would make a terrible criminal.  Which is a huge compliment.  Then ironically while I was explaining what he did to a friend, I could hear him making a ruckus in the bathroom and called out to him.  It went exactly like this:

"Bishop"

"I dropped my toothpaste in the toilet"

If he hadn't told me, I probably would never have known because it flushed with no problems.  I would have just assumed it got lost somewhere. 

*sigh* I love that little jerk so much. 

November 13, 2018

I Did Follow Through!

I know I said I would blog every Tuesday but last week didn't count for.... reasons.  And then today I thought "Maybe I'll start next week" but I realized Bishop doesn't have school next week which is when I said I would take my breaks from blogging so I thought "I better do it now before I slack off too much and this whole thing crashes and burns before it even gets off the ground".  So here I am, showing up to my self-imposed obligations.  I would be so proud of me!  I AM so proud of me.  I'm right here, I can just ask myself questions whenever I want.  And I do all time because my brain is an unstoppable question machine.  Is it any wonder that I made Bishop, who can literally not stop asking questions?  I like to blame John for his boisterous personality (I mean it's partially his fault) but his questioning nature is all me.  Bishop is what you would hear if I ever bothered to tell anyone what I was thinking about.  Except the questions would be more age appropriate.  But when I was 5, I was asking all the same questions in my head and just making up my own answers I guess.  I also have a very active imagination.  One time, my classmate told me that one of the bus drivers got fired and I legit thought she was dead.  Like "You're bad at your job, we're gonna fire you out of this cannon.  Goodbye" and I was terrified about getting fired until I saw her a few weeks later and thought to myself "she didn't get fired, she's right there." 

Am I getting off topic?  Was there a topic to begin with?  It has been 13 days since I blogged so I guess my mind is just full of rambly thoughts that I haven't had a chance to share with anyone.  Or maybe I just feel amped up right now cause I've had a busy day.  I did one whole thing.  If you use the introvert conversion, that's like a million things.  Also that one thing I did involved me talking for an hour so you can convert that to 10 million things.  I did 100 million things today.  And I'm still blogging.  And now I'm done.  See you in 2 weeks. 

PS - I just proof read this before posting and it was LOADED with mistakes.  Not spelling mistakes, because spell check catches that stuff right away but like "you missed a whole word" type mistakes and I originally wrote conversation instead of conversion.  Totally different meaning. 

October 31, 2018

Last Day and Halloween

I missed a lot of days but I thought I would make an effort to post today because it's the LAST DAY and also HALLOWEEN!  I will PLAN to post on Tuesdays from now on. 

We're going trick or treating tonight.  It's gonna be fun times.  This will be Marshall's first official time going.  Last year he was with us but I was holding him and he didn't have a basket.  People still wanted to give him candy though.  He's that cute.  I figured we better make it official this year. 

This year we're going to be a family of dinosaurs.  Kind of.  Bishop is the Indominus Rex from the first Jurassic World.  Marshall is a dragon from the Halloween where Bishop was a dragon and I was Khaleesi, the mother of dragons.  John and I are chickens because chickens are technically dinosaurs.  In fact, I learned from a heated argument with John and subsequent google search that chickens are actually the most closely related to rapters than any other bird still alive.  I mean they might be tied with other birds but the point is I just happened to pick the most dinosaur-y bird alive.  That wasn't really intentional.  It's just easy to find chicken costumes.  So it just so happens that none of our dinosaur costumes are actual dinosaurs from actual dinosaur times.  Just 2 fake dinosaurs and 2 modern dinosaurs. 

Pics to come soon, I'm sure. 

October 26, 2018

Myers-Briggs But with K

At the very beginning of the month, Angela wrote about the Myers-Briggs test.  She mentioned that I am an INFP, but these things can change over time.  I just literally retook the test minutes ago, and I'm still firmly an INFP.  The last time I took the the test I was almost entirely on the Introverted scale over Extroverted and more on the Intuition than Sensation, but I was basically 50/50 when it came to Thinking and Feeling, and 50/50 when it came to Perception and Judgement.  I guess that means I'm well balanced?  I learned last year that only approximately 10% of the total population are INFPs.  I'm basically a living unicorn.

I had an instructor give us the test and then group us according to the main personality traits.  She put all the INFPs together intentionally and gave everyone an apple, then asked each group to describe it.  Every other group described their apples as:  round, red, juicy, firm, with/without stem, etc.  Here was what we came up with:  Fall, apple cider, galaxy of stars on the skin, apple pie, changing leaves, etc.  A direct quote from another group as we were reading off our list:  "WTF is wrong with you people?"  INFPs tend to see the world differently, and most everyone else doesn't get it.  We are more misunderstood than emo culture...or maybe most emo culture is derived from INFPs.

I wanted to write about this today because I was thinking about the Strengthsfinder test Angela and I took in college together.  I believe we both got the same trait as our top trait, but Angela wanted to sit at another table and ditched me that day.  Next Saturday, I'll be taking a spiritual version of the Strengthsfinder test, so I'm kind of rehashing these things a little bit.

I Know I'm Slowing Down

How did I use to do this for 6 weeks?  Am I slacking off cause it's day 26 or because I know it's close to the end?  It's like in school when you know summer's coming and you just don't want to do your work anymore because you know soon you won't have to.  Maybe I should just pick a completely random topic and rant about it.  I haven't done that in a while.  My ranting muscles are getting weak.  Okay I got one:

Older people complaining about younger people.  Why do we do this?  There's just something inside us that feels compelled to complain about how people not our age do things.  I guess it goes both ways.  But older people should know better because they used to be young and had to endure old people complain about them.  Like I used to hear people complain about my generation and I would just think 'dude, I'm just doing my best' and now I hear people my age complain about people younger and think 'dude... they're just doing their best'.  It's not like people are born fundamentally different than they were 20 years ago.  Although I guess that would point to the nature versus nurture debate.  I guess I fall more on the nature side of that.  I mean I think it's both but I think most of a person is just how their born and then they learn how to respond to the world through nurture. 

This is way less ranty than I intended.  I was just gonna complain about people complaining and I ended up thinking too seriously about it.  I feel like this happens a lot when John tries to joke with me.  I insert logic where it's not meant to be. 

October 24, 2018

Writing Process

I realized yesterday, it helps me to be honest about my process.  So much of my thinking and deciding happens internally.  I don't usually seek outside input in a decision especially if it only affects me.  I don't like sharing things that aren't set in stone.  This is why I've been so wishy-washy about writing.  I'm terrible at self discipline.  I need accountability.  But I can't get accountability without sharing my 'not so fully formed' ideas with other people.  I shared with John yesterday about how hard this was for me to stick with ideas or writing projects I want to do and it felt really good just to admit that to somebody.  I just want to have all my shit together so I can show it to people fully formed and polished but I can't because it's not together. 

This is true in so many areas of life.  I've gotten used to sharing my other insecurities and general brokenness about the way I do things with others (mostly John) but writing is a very personal and important thing to me and it's hard to admit that I don't have it all figured out.  Instead I just pretend that I only care about writing in my personal journals or occasionally updating my blog because that's all I really know how to do.  The truth is I want to do so much more, I just don't have the tools in place to do it. 

I'm hoping that just by being aware of this, I can create some accountability for myself.  I've already come up with a schedule and a general idea, I just need an enforcer. 

October 22, 2018

It's Another Brain Dead Day

I tried to sit down and write earlier and nothing came out.  Now the day is winding down and I still haven't been struck by any awesome ideas.  At some point I just have to call it.  Today is not a writing day.  I guess that's just one of the causalities of writing every single day (minus 2 days so far).  It's about quantity, not quality.  Unfortunately, when I demand too much quality from myself, I never end up posting.  I never feel 'good enough' or 'inspired enough' to write something amazing. 

Maybe I'll be whacked with the creative stick tomorrow.  The inspiration fairy is being pretty lazy with it today. 

October 21, 2018

The Plan

I took a break yesterday.  John and I were prepping to go to the super sweet party last night.  My cold went away too!  I guess it was just a minor annoyance.  I was able to enjoy myself last night. 

Now that Blogtoberfest is coming to a close (in 10 days) I've been thinking about what I can do to keep this blog momentum going.  I think Tuesday's are a good day to update.  I'm going to plan on doing that every Tuesday that Bishop is in school.  That way I have a natural time to take off when I'll probably be distracted anyway with him not in school.  I don't know about summer time.  I guess I'll see if this plan works before I figure that out.  I've tried to implement this same plan before and it crashed and burned.  This time will be different.  Because I said so.  That wasn't very convincing.  This time will be different because I'm a hard-working super-prepared work horse.  No, I'm a work unicorn!  I'm way too whimsical to be a horse.  I'm a horse with a horn.  Or a cat.  Uni-kitty?  She's pretty cool.  I probably shouldn't follow her example though.  Unless its the end part where she gets mad and kills all those robots.  If anyone is confused right now, I'm talking about the Lego Movie.  It's one of Bishops favorites which means I've seen it (not exaggerating) two million times. 

Anyway, back to my original point, if I can stay on track, I will be posting on Tuesday's.  Wish me luck.  Wait, no, wish me focus and determination.  Those are way more useful. 

Safari City

I just got back into my account so that I can post again.  Woohoo!  I literally JUST received the e-mail that my account was unlocked after being told it would be unlocked in 3-5 days.  It took more than a week.  Thanks Google.

I thought about a random event that happened to me just before I moved to the city and I suddenly realized I wanted to share it with you wonderful people!

I was out getting a tour of the city I was moving to a few months ago when I saw a guy running down the street wearing an old English safari outfit.  I was looking for a reference to go with this story, but I couldn't find one with an actual person because apparently these outfits are SO DATED that you can't even get a real life reference shot!  I'll have to go with the animated one for reference:

Not an actual person, but looks close to the actual person!

So an older man with silver hair, a mustache like the one in the above picture, and minus the cane and gun was running through the city.  I saw him three times and failed to get a picture, which is clearly entirely unacceptable.  I kept hoping that someone was running behind him in a lion suit, but there was no one else.  The last time I saw him he was slowing down and walking.  This leaves me with so many questions.

Did that guy own that safari outfit from his youth?  Has he ever gone on safari?  Is he training to go on safari?  If he hasn't owned it for a while, where did he find one?  I can't even find a good ference picture!  Why does he wear a safari outfit when he's out for a jog?  Was he being chased by invisible lions?  What happened to his rifle?  Is he making a statement about how the city is like a jungle?  Is he a superhero?  Does he know he should become one?

I don't know who you are Safari Man, but I love you and the memory I will always have of you! 

October 19, 2018

Stubborn

I think I've mentioned before that Marshall seems to act more like me.  Bishop definitely acts like John and as Marshall's personality emerges, I see myself in him.  At first it was adorable: hiding under pillows, grunting at things he didn't like, his love of stuffed animals.  Now it's apparent he also got my stubbornness.  It is very annoying.  Bishop was never this stubborn. 

It seems contradictory that a person like me with such an agreeable personality would be stubborn.  I guess it's good in a way.  I think it prevents me from getting walked all over.  And it takes a very specific circumstance for it to come out.  However, since Marshall is a toddler and just beginning to assert his own will, his stubbornness is out all the fucking time.  It goes something like this: you need me to sit on couch so you can put my socks on to leave? I've got a very important drawing to finish on this chalk board.  You need me to stand up to put my sweater on? I'm just gonna sit here until you mad.  You need 10 minutes alone to finish typing out your blog? I'm going to hang off your arm until you start blogging about how annoying I am and then put me on time-out.  That example isn't current.  Marshall's napping right now.  But Bishop was just over here asking me for food and leaning on me.  But he left when I told him I needed some space because he's not a stubborn jerk. 

That was mean.  Marshall's not a jerk.  Not all the time.  He's just a toddler.  I'm pretty sure the words 'toddler' and 'jerk' are interchangeable. 

October 18, 2018

Sick but Chill

Not like the good 'sick' when you're describing something awesome.  I don't like using that slang anyway.  I prefer 'sweet' because it's not contradictory.  But I am sick today.  Just a little bit.  It's either the start of a cold or a minor inconvenience that will hopefully be gone soon.  Seriously, I've got a sweet party to get to this weekend.  Don't ruin this for me immune system! 

I do feel super chill though because I'm tired but also happy.  It's a feeling of contentment that happens when all my business and personal affairs are in order.  That's sentence sounds way more sophisticated than my life actually is.  My life is actually super messy.  There are kids in it, it has to be that way.  For example, as I'm typing this, Marshall is hanging off my arm and testing to see how much of my personal space he can invade before I push him away again.  Because he's a cat.  He's like 2 minutes away from laying on my keyboard. 

Marshall got a new friend yesterday.  We were browsing at the thrift store and he picked out a bear.  Bears seem to be his favorite.  He picked out a bear last time too and I realized they're both from build-a-bear.  Maybe I should take him there for his birthday. 

Marshall and his newest bff

October 17, 2018

Family Maintenance

I think my brain needs a break today.  I just sat down to write and my brain was like "meh... nobody's home".  I've been doing a lot of house maintenance this week.  Bishop needed pants so I ended up going through all of the kids stuff just in case there was pants hiding in there somewhere.  So today I took 5 bags of stuff to the thrift store and then went inside to buy pants for Bishop.  Also Marshall wanted a stuffed bear with pink hearts all over it.  When we got home, he put it next to his white bear that he sleeps with every night.  I guess he needed a friend.

Bishop is becoming difficult to shop for.  Some of his 4T pants are a bit small on him but today he tried on some 5T pants that I got a while ago and they were way too loose on his waist.  He's a string bean.  I wish he could just stay in shorts all winter.  Length doesn't matter as much for shorts.  Maybe I should just buy him a belt.

Wow, this post is really exciting.  I need to work on jotting down ideas when my brain is actually working. 

October 16, 2018

Painting With Mess

Yesterday I had a sudden urge to revisit my former self.  I was just standing in my room and had the thought "I want to remember who I used to be".  Most of old journals are packed away but I do keep one out because it's pretty brief and concise.  It captures mostly feelings in my life and not so much people, places, or events.  Although I always know by the date exactly what was happening and why I was feeling that way. 

Honestly, it was a painful journey.  It's hard to look back and remember how much I struggled.  I felt so alone back then.  I really believed that no one understood me.  I was living with deep feelings and not much understanding of where I fit in the world.  And I was terrified of letting anyone see it.  One poem struck me in particular.   I think it summarizes how I felt while I was working out how to become an adult. 

This place is messy
full of scrambled feelings
being tossed around
and held in tight quarters
being stretched and prodded
cross examined and questioned
but kept locked in a box
not allowed to spill
or spread
a huge mess in a little box
threatening to escape
waiting in the box
its ready to explode
to paint the world
with this mess
to paint a beautiful picture
with a hopeless mess
to paint a story
of love
with mess
(12-16-07)

It's crazy to me now reading that how it almost perfectly describes an INFP.  INFP's feel things so deeply and personally but seem so calm on the outside.  And they usually enjoy art so they often literally paint their messy feelings.  I write mine out.  Sometimes in poetry. 

The journal does have a happy ending.  Sort of.  I mean there's still blank pages in there for me to write on so it technically hasn't ended yet.  I wrote about John and how good it felt to finally be understood by someone.  I finally found someone to unload all of my crazy thoughts and feelings.  There's not much written in the journal after that.  I had less need to express my pain in writing. 

I'm glad I have these memories to look back on.  It's good to see how far I've come in regards to emotional health.  It kinda makes me wonder what I'll be like in another 10 years.  I'll be unstoppable. 

October 15, 2018

Rambling Sleepy Thoughts

I just spent most of last week without my laptop.  I had always thought this would be a lot more difficult than it turned out to be.  I always though:  "I need this machine so that I can stay connected with people and events."  As it turns out, however, if you are too busy to sleep (I was absolutely losing sleep last week), you don't even miss the connectivity and people will still talk to you about events.

Last week was kind of fun!  I went to my first haunted thing in years, I got to spend time with my sister and her family, I painted on canvas for the first time ever, and I had a bonfire!  I also got to chill with my friends for a while on Sunday, so I got to do all the best things.  On the downside, I was overly exhausted from not sleeping and nightmares when I was sleeping.

I keep dreaming about being attacked and it's never the same.  I remember two of my nightmares vividly.  In the first one, I was fighting the Empire alongside Mark Hamill who was dressed as Luke Skywalker from Return of the Jedi, but I knew he was definitely Mark Hamill with a lightsaber in my dream.  We pretty much got wiped out, which would not have made a satisfying ending for American audiences.  Another dream I had, I was being attacked by my dog who was trying to steal my St. Michael medal from my necklace.  That was pretty much the entirety of that dream.

I'm going to try not to have nightmares tonight.  I honestly feel too tired to dream.

Learning

You know how when you learn something new and your brain just naturally obsesses over the new information like a whole brain infection?  For me that process happens inside where nobody can see it.  For Bishop, it comes out his mouth and infects the whole apartment.  This weekend he was sitting on the couch just saying and spelling 'the' over and over again.  I often find him at the fridge with his alphabet magnets singing and spelling out words.  It's bizarre in a way because I'm pretty sure I didn't start learning to read until 1st grade.  But it's amazing to see how fast he's catching on.  It's like his brain has set fire with learning.  He's so good at it.  It kinda makes me feel bad for not sending him to preschool.  Although that obviously didn't slow him down at all so I guess no harm done. 

I'm just so happy that he loves it.  His enthusiasm is spreading to Marshall too.  I often hear Marshall shouting random letters and sounds while he plays with the alphabet.  He's rarely correct, but he's trying.  Marshall's basically a little echo machine right now.  I like to thing of him as Bishops hype man.  He's just there to be supportive and repeat the last few words of whatever Bishop says. 

Bishop with hype man

October 14, 2018

Movie Cliche

Well, I finally missed a day.  I just realized it was day 13.  Maybe I was being subconsciously superstitious.  Or just lazy.  It was a pretty lazy weekend. 

We just watched a movie which got me thinking about a certain romance cliche.  You know the one where 2 'old souls' connect and they talk about how awful some aspect of modern life is and how they both wish it could be like the 'good old days'.  But they act like nobody else thinks this way.  Like nobody else is a 'romantic at heart' or nobody else despises hook up culture.  The main character talked about how going out on dates was old fashioned.

The feeling I get from this cliche is that people are somehow fundamentally different than they were 100 years ago.   They're not.  Sure we learn different things and have different tools to live our lives but the basic need to connect with someone is still there.  Why else would we have so many romance movies in the first place?  Even in most action movies, the main character has a love interest.  It's not like people somehow just don't want to fall in love anymore.  I know that's not really what that cliche is saying.  I might be getting a little off track. 

My favorite example of this cliche is from a movie called "They Came Together".  The movie itself is just a bundle of romantic comedy cliches.  It's really funny.  The 2 main characters bond over the fact that they both like fiction.  Then later during the "girl is out on a date with guy who's obviously not her soulmate" scene, she mentions her love of fiction and he said he doesn't read fiction because he prefers stuff that actually happened.  It's the dumbest thing ever which makes it the best. 

October 12, 2018

Always

I saw a picture yesterday of a couples tattoo.  They both had the word 'Always' on their ring finger with the deathly hallows symbol.  On one level, it's super adorable.  They're both nerds, they both like Harry Potter, and they want something unique to celebrate their marriage.  I just can't help but think it's actually horrible.  Snape and Lily were never together.  His crush on her was kinda creepy and he was an asshole to her son for the rest of his life until he was seconds away from death.  Yeah he helped Harry at key moments but he was still a major jerk.  Is that the symbol you really want representing your marriage?  Sure the love itself was probably pure and sweet, but I cannot ignore the context.  It's tainted. 

This is often my reaction whenever John suggest that a song could be "our song" (even though we already have 3 songs).  Most recently it was 'Never Enough' from the Greatest Showman.  If you take the song out of the movie and just listen to the lyrics, it's romantic.  The message is 'nothing in this world will be enough for me if I don't have you'.  Yeah that's romantic, but the character who sings it is trying to break up Barnum's marriage.  Then when Barnum turns her down, she ruins his whole business.  I hear all that context when I listen to the song and I don't want that kind of negativity in my marriage.  I have to vet my songs before I decide if they're truly romantic or not. 

October 11, 2018

Mary

Today I want to talk about someone who was a giant in my life.  Not a literal giant like John, more emotionally speaking.  I realized yesterday I don't talk about her much because we parted ways during a huge transition in both of our lives so she didn't really leave a hole in my life when she left.  Then a few years ago, she died.  She was a huge influence in my very formative and confusing years of life.  Her name was Mary and she was my adopted Grandma.

Mary adopted our family when I was around 7 and my parents bought her house.  She legally adopted my 40-something year old father.  I'm not really sure why.  I think it had something to do with making the house purchase easier and she was really close with our family.  As part of the deal, she lived on a trailer on our property.  So throughout my growing up years, I would visit her all the time. 

 Her door was always open.  She was never too busy to talk.  Although sometimes she would be on the phone when I came over but I would just sit and wait until she was finished.  Sometimes we would play card games.  Sometimes we would take walks in the forest.  As she got older, we usually would just sit and talk for a few hours.  She was really easy to talk to and was very non-judgmental.  We had a very similar way of viewing the world.  Or maybe I just spent so much time with her that I adopted hers. 

Sometimes I feel sad that I can't talk to her now.  I want to tell her about all the things that have changed and get her views on being a mother.  I feel like she would have a lot of interesting stories about raising her toddlers and sending her kids to kindergarten for the first time.  She had 7 children of her own.  My dad made 8. 

I never called her grandma.  I always called her Mary.  I realize now it's probably because I thought of her as more of a friend than an authority figure.  One of my best friends. 

October 10, 2018

Sick

I've been sick more this year than I have in a very long time.  I went almost a solid ten years without insurance, and during that time, I have NO idea how I survived in light of this year.  I've had the flu twice, several colds, kidney stones, migraines and I'm sure I'm forgetting a few here and there.  In retrospect, I'm pretty sure the one time I thought I had the flu for the second time, it may have been a kidney stone.

My point is, now that I have insurance, it's like my body has decided it's okay to let itself go.  I was totally healthy when I couldn't afford to be the list bit sick, and now I'm sick ALL the time.  I'm really over it.  I was feeling like I had flu symptoms last night, so I ended up going to bed instead of doing some writing.  I woke up today more tired than when I went to bed last night, so I am possibly coming down with something.

Poor Angela has had to carry all the slack.  I'm sorry, Angela!  Hey!  Since you're looking for a writing idea, why not consider doing something with chickens?  I vaguely recall a story about chickens trying to take over the world that you were sharing with me in college.  Or maybe my sick brain is making that up.

Uninspired

I've been sitting here for like an hour trying to think of something to write about.  I feel like there's just a big blank space where my ideas usually are.  I was just mindlessly scrolling through Facebook.  I thought something might spark my idea nest.  Nope.  I'm definitely not talking about politics.  Not because I don't think it's important, I'm just a person who values harmony and politics is the exact opposite of harmony.  That's why I tend to avoid Facebook in the first place. 

Usually when I have no ideas and then I start typing, things start flowing somewhat.  Today I feel like I'm trying to get water out of a stone.  I guess there's just days like this.  Maybe it's because I've got personal issues I don't want all over a blog.  Nothing major.  Just some minor medical annoyances.  I'm just gonna leave thing here.  Maybe I'll be creative tomorrow. 

October 9, 2018

Introvert

I want to talk about labels.  I read something yesterday that got me thinking a little bit.  I looked through a picture gallery that was all about being an introvert.  Of course I could very much relate to most of the content.  Then I scrolled through some of the comments because sometimes I hate myself.  Seriously, comment threads on popular public websites are the worst.  But I found the unicorn of internet comments.  It was a thoughtful, well reasoned observation that I didn't agree with but also didn't make me mad.  So I thought it would be a good thing to blog about because I didn't want to comment and risk getting into an argument with some moron. 

The comment was about how calling someone an introvert isn't helpful because they will then act like an introvert and never learn to be social.  It makes sense in a way because if you really don't want to do something and then find out you have an excuse not to do it, you would be happy.  But I don't agree at all because in high school, I had never heard the term introvert and that didn't stop me from being quiet and awkward. 

I have found that label has helped me be better at socializing.  Because I know that it's my nature and not a way I'm choosing to be, it helps me accept myself which makes me more comfortable around people.  When I was younger and trying to talk myself into being better, I would make some small progress.  Then, inevitably, someone would say to me "why are you so quiet?" and I would think "Well, now I'm back to square one, I haven't improved at all" and then feel bad about myself.  By the way, NEVER ask a quiet person why they're quiet.  It's not like they're gonna suddenly come out of their shell just because you brought it up.  Although if someone asked me that today, I would just shrug and say "That's just who I am" because that's the truth.  I have accepted my skills and abilities and being social is not one of them.  Then I can laugh about how awkward I am because it's genuinely funny. 

So having a label has helped me have a better attitude about myself.  For example, if I went to a party and say I talked to 2 people and then sat awkwardly on the couch the rest of the time.  Before, I might have left feeling like a failure because I spent so much time awkwardly not engaging with anybody.  But now I walk away thinking "Wow, I talked to 2 whole people!  That was hard for me and I'm really proud of myself!"  I don't have to compare myself to other people, I can be proud of my personal achievement. 

October 8, 2018

Practicality

Being an adult is a weird thing.

I had a day off today.  Normally I would spend that day off doing fun things, because this is what you do with days off.  I had a Friday half day, a busy Saturday and Sunday, which means by Monday when you likewise have a day off, you have the right to sit in your pajamas and watch movies and do nothing.  Or go out and see the world when it's a gorgeous, warm fall day with the sun shining...and your day off.

I elected to do laundry, vacuum, get new tires, and unpack some more boxes.  On my day off.

I was HAPPY to do it.

Somewhere in time, sixteen year old me wants to kick thirty-two year old me in the shins for wasting a perfectly good writing day, and I kind of want to let her.  When you get to be an adult, you suddenly realize that there's a kind of peace and comfort that comes with living in a clean, well maintained home.  You actually want to do these things, because no one else is. Besides, it's your mess, you should have the decency to pick up after yourself.  I say this after having attended a birthday party for my three year old nephew this weekend whereupon none of the kids did anything remotely like clean.  They did run around in comical fashion as they went through a sadly easy scavenger hunt that my sister cleverly put together.  It was like watching heard of lemmings, but instead of running over cliffs, they were ambling from one clue to the next in their relentless search for candy and small plastic toys which will be thrown out in about a week.  I got a plastic bat ring!  I may include a picture of it later, because it is delightful.

I said this yesterday, but I'll say it again today...I DO intend to get back to my writing project.  It has not been going well the last few days so far.  I even KNOW what the next segment is going to be, but I elected to do chores and then ha a migraine...and now I'm just making up excuses.  Go read Angela's stuff!  She's on a roll!

My Daily Writing Partner


I know I usually leave pictures until the end but I thought it would be easier to show you than explain it.  Seriously, he's like one step away from laying on my keyboard... because HE'S A CAT!  I just had to tell him to get off the table.  If he was just a little less scared of me, I'm sure he would be laying on my keyboard.  He already can't stop playing with my mouse cord.  

I asked him what I should write about so he would at least be helping me.  He said something about crackers and then just kept saying Mommy.  Now he's playing with crayons so that should buy me like 5 minutes.  The most distracting thing about Marshall is that he's always trying to hand me things.  I don't know why he thinks I want all of his toys.  I guess I should be happy about his aggressive sharing.  He will make an excellent host someday.  Every time we leave, he brings me my shoes like a little gentleman.  But he also plays with them when we're just hanging out.  Why do toddlers love shoes so much?  I feel like this is universal.  I mean, I have 2 kids and they both played with shoes at this age so that means every kid must do it right?  Isn't that how it works?  

Well, my kitty needs lunch now. 

October 7, 2018

Three Day Lag

I am officially three days behind on my writing project, and I am not happy about it.  I had every intention of writing the next section tonight, but once again these plans did not come to fruition.

I've been experiencing a ton of technology issues this week, which isn't unexpected.  It is a well known 'fact' among my friends that not only is my life a sitcom, but I am also a wizard from the Harry Dresden school of magic.  I.E. technology inexplicably stops working for him.  I demonstrated this to its full effect last year when the iPod I named Light died for absolutely no reason while I was listening to a Dresden Files audio book.  I may have explained some of this in the past.

This week, I had to replace my phone, pretty much every computer I've touched has crashed on me multiple times, the printers aren't working properly where I work, and I've had weird car problems starting up then mysteriously disappearing.  Between the tech issues and the hospital visit, I'm pretty sure I'll have spent more this month than I can afford to and that has caused me to lose the little bit of a spark I had for writing at the moment.  I have a plan outlined, at least, and I'm hoping to get back to it tomorrow.

I wish I had something more interesting to write about than a post explaining all the reasons why I am full of disappointment, but I suppose it is an unfortunately theme this weekend.  Ah well!

Philosophy and Twitter

I'm doing it again.  Sitting down to write with zero idea about the destination.  That's kind of a metaphor for life.  We come in with no idea whats going on and figure the rest out from there.  I just made my lack of preparation sound philosophical.  Sometimes I'm pretty awesome at making up BS.  Which is ironic because I hate lying.  I tried messing with some dude on twitter because he was being a creep and I couldn't even do it.  I gave my password to John and had him do it.  That's seems like the logical thing to do right?  Let my husband mess with a dude who's trying to hit on a married woman? 

That's not even the craziest part.  I have no picture on twitter.  I made it anonymous on purpose so I can say whatever I want.  And yet, 2 different guys have complemented my appearance based on a picture of a stuffed animal.  How desperate do you need to be to hit on random married chicks with no idea what they look like?  Yes, I respond to them because I'm genuinely curious what kind of person they are.  The answer is polite, but creepy. 

I intended to try and write a poem when I started.  The inspiration didn't come.  I just wanted to do something different.  It's easier to ramble on about philosophy and twitter than to make a piece of art.  I don't know how Kris is doing it.  Lots of patience I guess. 

October 6, 2018

Reading

Well, it only took 6 days but for the first time, I'm sitting down to write with no idea whats going to come out of me.  That's probably what Saturday's will be like.  We're leaving in 20 minutes to go to a birthday party and I know I'm not gonna want to write later. 

I started reading Les Miserables last night.  The first part is all about the Bishop.  He's basically Jesus Christ.  I can only assume he's the one who takes Jean Valjean in when he's sleeping on the streets.  This book is enormous so I'm looking forward to finding out all the extra plot.  I can see why PBS is doing a mini-series.  I'm excited to watch it.  I hope I can finish the book first.  Does anyone wanna take bets on how far I'll get?  Or how long it will take me to get through?  If I decide to take a break, it could be years.  I still haven't read the second Prince Lestat book and there's already a new one out so I'm 2 whole books behind.  I also have 4 Game of Thrones books to read.  I have 2 on audio book though so they should be easy to get through. 

I realized while I was reading Les Miserables last night, I might need reading glasses.  I've never had an issue before but the writing is pretty small and I found myself squinting a lot.  Ugh, it has begun.  Pretty soon I'm gonna be a 'glasses all the time' person.  Maybe I should get bi-focals. 

And now It's time to leave.  Well, I was somewhat coherent.  I did manage to stay on one topic. 

October 5, 2018

Page Break

My plan had been to write a continuous story this month, but I absolutely cannot concentrate on writing more of the story today.  Instead, I wanted to share two stories in my life which happened exactly one week apart from each other and explains why I'm going to take a mental break from creative writing today.  Please enjoy!


Last week began one of the strangest weeks of my life.  I joined up with a Friday night gaming group that was playing Star Wars Force and Destiny.  I've never played in that system before, but it sounded fun, so I decided to give it a go.  I rolled a space-rogue kind of character and joined an ongoing game.  That night, I rolled no less that six critical successes in a row, and absolutely destroyed the boss at the end of the battle.  It was super fun!  Anticipating good tidings, I made my way home and decided to put off getting everything together for the wedding I was supposed to be in on Sunday, because I would have plenty of time in the morning to do everything.

Three in the morning, I woke up to the most intense stabbing pain in my life.  It turns out I had a kidney stone!  Fun fact:  this pain is worse than child birth from every account I have been told!  I was given three rounds of pain medication and none of it was enough to take more than the edge off the pain.  I've broken my arm twice, sprained my ankle twice, hit my head multiple times, and had my gallbladder removed, but I was actually violently ill due to the pain from this particular issue.  All this is to say, it was not a fun time.  By the time the doctors decided to admit me, I realized I probably wasn't going to make this wedding.  This was a huge problem, considering I was 'Best Woman' and kind of NEEDED to be there.

About twenty minutes after being admitted, I passed the stone.  However, I was now being kept for observation.  I had been told that I would probably be released that night.  I was not.  When the doctor finally came in the morning, she told me it would be several more hours.  I decided to ask for the wifi password at that point so I could at least watch the wedding.

"Oh wait, you have a wedding?  Well we can release you right now."

My sister happened to be with me when this conversation took place, she looked at me, looked at the doctor, asked what color dress I needed and the plan was set in motion.  I was told I had to eat something before I could leave and that they needed to take more x-rays, so I immediately called the kitchen to order a muffing (which would take about 45 minutes to get there, I was told).  Right after I got off the phone, I was whisked away to x-ray.  They had me in and out in less than five minutes, which I'm pretty sure is a record.  We got back to the room, and someone came up with my muffin, which was wolfed down in two bites.  The doctor came back and told me she had put in the release paperwork and all I needed was the nurse to tell me what to do.  At this point, my brother-in-law and nephews showed up to take me back to their house to get ready for the wedding...and at this point the antagonist made her appearance.  There was literally ONE nurse who wanted to slow EVERYTHING down.  It took pressure of an entire team of nurses, myself, and my brother-in-law to get her to move, and almost fifteen agonizing minutes, but we were off.  Another nurse got me into a wheelchair and literally RAN through the hospital to get me out on time.  She quipped that she had never done it before, but it was fun.  For the record...it was fun!

I jumped out of the chair and into the car, we drove like mad to the house where my sister was waiting for me, shower already going, and everything laid out.  In a scene out of Mulan, I was in the shower, dumped with suds, and rinsed before I could blink.  I'm pretty sure I leaped into my dress cartoon style while my sister primped my hair.  We were both in the car in less than ten minutes.  While my sister sang Smokey and the Bandit, I did make-up in the car.  At a certain point I realized that we were going to be about five minutes late and I started texting people to let them know what was up.  For a moment or two, I wasn't quite sure everything was going to work out, but I was just HAPPY to be getting to see my amazing friends get married.  Luckily, my sister wasn't satisfied with that answer and prompted me to call my friends.  So I did!  I explained the situation:  I am just released from the hospital, I'm not wearing the right colors, and I'm going to be five minutes late.  The amazing bride said "You're still in the wedding if you want to be, we'll send a groomsman to get you!"

We pulled in as the groomsman got to the front gate and I went running out of the car.  As I went, I would be reminded later, I was yelling in a crowded area with standers-by that I was 'on drugs' and 'had to pee' at which point I realized that probably wasn't the right wording out of context and added, 'I shouldn't say this in front of kids...don't do drugs kids!' and ran into the bathroom.

~Two Minutes Later~

We hurried to the venue and made it JUST in time.  Everyone was lined up and I got to take my place with the rest of the party!  I gave my speech after and all was right with the world!  Bonus:  on my way home, a bald eagle landed in front of my car and casually sailed away as I braked the car to avoid hitting it.


In retrospect, I should have realized that everything was pointing to a need to slow down this week.  Which brings me to today.  I've been having issues with my cell phone and so I had decided that in the event of an emergency, it was probably best if I got a new one to avoid a serious issue.  I had a half day off today-which was awesome!-so I elected to go to the store and acquire a new phone.  The entire ride there, I kept feeling like I needed to be paying attention and be cautious of other drivers, so I did.  I drove slow and kept a safe distance but that feeling never subsided.  When I got to a street I was comfortable with that had a double left turn lane, I felt the need to slow down again and elected to get in the left most turn lane while the car in front of me went to the right most turn lane.

As we were going through, the light turned yellow.  Once again, I felt the need to slow down, so I covered the brake.  For some reason I can't possibly fathom, a stopped van decided to go.  Even though I was closest to the van, I completely missed it, it sailed in front of the car to my right and they collided.  I heard the collision and both cars went spinning across the intersection.  Somehow, they both completely avoided me even though I was RIGHT NEXT to them.  I immediately stopped the car, grabbed my phone to call the police, and went running into the intersection as cars were driving through to make sure they were okay.  I don't know how I didn't get hit by a car running like a maniac.

Both cars were completely totaled; the front end of one was shoved into itself and the second one's right side was smashed.  Even though the impact struck where a passenger was, even though there was a child in the car, even with the front end completely smashed in on one vehicle...everyone walked away without a single scratch.  It was the most amazing thing I have seen.


I'm sure a lot of people will say it was a lot of coincidence, but all I see is God at work in these situations this week.  I'm so grateful to still be here.  I had an infection that they were afraid would turn septic, and I could have been dead in hours from that.  I could have been caught in that accident and someone definitely could have died, and no one was so much as scratched.  I don't know if there are any lessons to be learned here, but I am telling you, this is the most amazing week of my life.

God bless you all!

Am I the Only Person Who's Bad at Emojis?

Kris texted me last night because it was getting late and I hadn't posted yet.  She wanted to remind me in case I had forgotten.  I sent her 'Thanks' with this emoji 😀.  After I sent it, I thought "That smiley face makes my 'Thanks' sound sarcastic.  Since I know Kris very well, I didn't sweat it because it doesn't really matter if she thought it was sarcastic; she knows I love and appreciate her.  However, the less I know someone, the less likely I am to send any type of emoji.  Well, to be honest, I'm also way less likely to be texting them in the first place because social interaction takes a large toll on my mental energy.  Yes even texting. 

When texting an acquaintance and I feel that the conversation calls for an emoji, I feel like Chidi from the Good Place.  He obsesses over every aspect of a decision before he is able (or unable) to make a choice.  I will scroll through the whole list of faces trying to decide if each face is saying exactly what I want.  Usually none of them do and I give up my search and just add an exclamation point or generic smiley face.  Or just skip it altogether.  A lot of times, I'll pick one and then think "That was dumb, I shouldn't have sent that".  I guess it makes me feel kind of fake.  That's probably why I don't say much to begin with.  I don't want to say anything wrong or fake. 

Sometimes I even do it when texting my husband.  John will say something ridiculous and I can't find the perfect 'What the fuck are you talking about?' face.  So I just type out "What the fuck are you talking about?"  It could have been way shorter and potentially more polite with a face. 

I feel like I should end with an emoji. 

🙀

Nailed it. 

October 4, 2018

We're Going on an Adventure, Bishop

Today I went to visit my mom and dad because Bishop had the day off school.  I wanted to get away from our apartment for the day so my kids didn't go crazy in it.  They're like little volcano's.  I have to get them out before they explode.

Bishop and I took a walk in the woods together.  At one point, Bishop started to get complain-y about the length of our walk and I said "But we're going on an adventure, Bishop!  Don't you want to go on an adventure?" He told me he did not.  At that point, I walked off the path and into the woods.  He reluctantly followed.  He asked me to turn back but I kept going.  I stopped about 30 feet from the road.  Then Bishop suddenly got into it and kept walking.  I hesitated because I didn't want to get too far from the path.  He turned to me and said "Lets go on an adventure, Mommy!"  There is NO POSSIBLE WAY I could have said no to that.  So I followed him.  Luckily he got bored about 50 feet in.  If you're trying to picture the distances in your head, don't try too hard because I'm terrible at estimating distance.  I have zero spatial awareness.

We made it back alive.

Safe on the trail

Mid-Adventure


Cloak and Dagger


With wide eyes, Jacqueline tried to seek out Josephine's gaze. The point of pressure on her back increased with her hesitation. She sucked in a breath and gave a single nod of acknowledgment to the threat, then allowed herself to be shuffled out of the crowd. Josephine would have to notice her leaving with some stranger, she was sure of it. Once they were clear, her abductor moved in close behind her, drawing her nearer so that it might look as if she were merely being escorted away.

Jacqueline grit her teeth as she was led away, her fists clenched defiantly. How could they have been caught so quickly, and by whom? She didn't dare look back in case that caused her abductor to become more aggressive. It was best, she hoped, to comply for the moment. When they turned the corner and started down a street in the opposite direction of the guard post and jail, she felt her heart fall into the pit of her stomach. Josephine would know she was in trouble. She would find a guard and it wouldn't take long. A guard...idiot! Her gaze quickly flicked over passersby to see if she spotted the telltale white cloaks of the Quila guard. To her dismay, she didn't see a single one in sight before she was pulled down an alley which curved into a dead end behind a couple of buildings.

A firm shove caused her to trip and land solidly against one of the stone walls which seemed to close in around her. She glared defiantly towards her abductor and was startled to see that he had not bothered to hide his appearance at all. He was young, not much older than she and Josephine were, if she she had to guess, and was only a few inches taller than she was. He wore brown and cream colored traveling clothes, and she notice a few pieces of boiled leather which likely offered him some protection against attack. He had hooked his hands behind his back so that he could stand at his full height. His black hair was slightly shaggy and framed his dark eyed glare in a way that made him look deranged, and the cocky smirk he bore wasn't helping matters in the least. Jacqueline glanced around quickly to see if there was a possible means of escape aside from the blocked end of the alley, her panic starting to rise.

Let's have a chat,” he cocked his head to the side as he spoke and she could hear the crack of vertebrae with the movement. Jacqueline glared back up in his direction and snarled which only managed to illicit a cold laugh from her abductor. “You aren't in any position to threaten me, girly. I know exactly what you were up to and if it weren't me that caught you, would have been someone else...which is bad for business.”

I don't know what you're talking about.” Jacqueline spat at him, her eyes wide as she drew back from the wall and gathered herself together.

He stalked closer to her, chuckling darkly. “Don't play coy, girly. I know what you were hunting for. A pretty little mark that wouldn't miss a shiny piece until later in the day, too late to do anything about it. I could see you coming a mile off and believe me, no one would have let you get too far looking like you do. You'd be in jail before your could blink, and that's bad for business, bad for me. You see, right now, no one's on edge or worried too much about a wolf in the midst, but as soon as one's spotted, the sheep get nervous. And when sheep get nervous, it's harder for wolves to hunt.” He put a fist against the stone wall beside him and leaned in closer to her. “I don't like difficulty hunting, and you don't want to get in my way.”

Jacqueline shifted uncomfortably and tried to keep from moving away. She didn't want to back herself any further into a corner just now. “I can take care of myself. And...”

No. You can't.” He gestured with his free hand towards her, motioning to indicate her apparel. “You're dressed to well, so you don't need to do this. And you were sloppy. What was that, your first time? And you're wearing a hood up in this weather; sunny, clear skies, even with a slight chill you're out of place. You are, without a doubt, the most clueless pup I've ever seen. I'd leave you to the guards, but like I said, you'll put them on alert and that's bad for business.” He drew back to his full height again and mused to himself as he regarded her. “Look girly, you've got two options right now, and I recommend taking the first: go home like a lost dog and keep your head down.”

And what if I don't want to do that?” She tried to keep her tone neutral. It had occurred to her that she had realized he wasn't holding a weapon, wasn't trying to hurt her, and seemed like he might be about to let her go. What did he want? It couldn't just be to give her some advice.

He snorted at her retort and crossed his arms. “Join the guild and learn a thing or two before you get hurt.”

October 3, 2018

Moment of Truth


Jacqueline came to the end of the alley not long after Josephine disappeared. A few people in the street had already taken to watching Josie maneuver through the crowd while she played a lively tune. Several children had begun to follow her, laughing and darting about as they tagged along. Jacqueline smiled as she watched the display. Her friend had a gift when it came to music, and she was equally blessed with a fair appearance that was unusual to this part of the kingdom. Combine that with her sweet disposition, and she was starting to feel a twinge of guilt for Josie's involvement.

With a shake of her head, she left the ally and slowly navigated the throng of people on the street to catch up to Josie. It wasn't too late to back out now, but she was committed. Besides, she thought as she eyed the crowd, I suppose a bit of guilt was always going to be a natural result of this game. Jacqueline made her way into another alley as she neared the clearing.

Josephine had already made her way to the well and was quickly gathering the attention of those nearby. They had both hoped that with the increase in travelers to Quila, they would avoid local trouble altogether. However, to her dismay, Jacqueline was noticing far more people she recognized coming to support Josie as she played than she had hoped. Her friend seemed quite at ease with the commotion around her and that gave Jacqueline some joy to see. While she couldn't claim that Josephine lacked confidence, she was overly modest and tended to come off as shy at times. Yet if you put a lute in that girl's hands, she became a different person; controlled and at ease, perhaps even a bit commanding if the right mood struck her. She had noticed other people were as drawn to Josie too, and had taken it upon herself to keep an eye on her, especially when they were up to something ridiculous like today.

Josie's gaze flicked up and stopped on Jacqueline when she spotted her. She smiled and then struck up the signal tune. It caught Jacqueline a little off guard as she would have preferred to wait for a different sort of crowd, but she decided not to question her friend's judgment. With casual strides, she joined the crowd while Josie sang the first few lines of her song. Her heart was hammering in her chest while she worked her way into a tightly packed group of people. By picking a song which was a local favorite, they had hoped for audience involvement which would make it easier for Jacqueline to pick a target or two for her first attempt at theft. These people just didn't seem that interested in joining in, and Jacqueline was quite certain that there were more than a few eyes turning in her direction. At least one, a plump older woman with dark greying hair tied up in a bun, kept glancing her way.

As the song played on, Jacqueline was starting to get a little panicky. There were a few people she had spotted that she didn't recognize. The plump woman who kept frowning at her, not a good target her. A moderately well dressed man who might be a merchant towards the edge, too far to maneuver there naturally. A young man, perhaps a little older than they were, who was clearly enraptured with Josie's singing? That would do.

Just as she made up her mind to creep in closer to her target, she felt a hand snatch at her forearm and pull her up short. Something jabbed against her back and a low voice muttered in her ear, “Sloppy work. Let's take a walk. Now.”

The Essence of John

Today I'm going back to personality types.  I mentioned before that I found a free Myers-Briggs test so I could make John take it.  I've always felt that in certain aspects, we're basically the same person so I really wanted to know how similar our test would be.  The short answer is half.  We share half of our personality traits.  John is an ENFJ which stands for Extrovert (surprise!), Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging.  We're both intuitive feelers.  The difference is I'm an perceptive introvert and he's a judgemental extrovert.  Actually he's not judgemental.  Not much anyway.  Judging basically means he's good at making quick decisions and being on time.  Except he's not great at being on time so he's not a strong J.  I would say like a medium J. 

In a nutshell, ENFJ is that person that everyone knows.  This a perfect description for John because when we started dating, we would run into people he knew every time we went out.  I felt like I was dating a celebrity.  It helps that he's very tall and sticks out in a crowd.  He's very good at making new friends which is perfect because I suck at it. 

I was so sure Bishop would be the same type as John.  Bishop is basically his little mini-me.  However, I bought a book that helps parents type their children and he got ENFP.  I was skeptical about trying to type him so early but when I read the description for a child ENFP, it fit Bishop EXACTLY.  They are the most naturally curious out of all the types and ASK THE MOST QUESTIONS.  If Bishop is not asking questions, he's probably dead.  Many of them make me want to bang my head against the wall like in this VERY common situation:

Bishop: Mommy, can I have an apple?

Me: Yes

Bishop: Why?

Why is this a question?  Because he wants to know the exact situation and circumstance that led to him getting what he wanted.  He's a little scientist.  Also extroverts tend to think out loud.  That's why they talk so much.  This piece of information has been very helpful in figuring out which of his questions actually need an answer and which are just him thinking out loud. 

I know this post is supposed to be about John but Bishop is part John technically, so I think that counts as staying on topic.  If it weren't for John, Bishop would have no personality. 

October 2, 2018

In Time and On Tune


Quila was a relatively quiet town in the Maricocho province of the kingdom of Esquivedra. Its proximity to the Beltasar River and the Carina Mountains made it an ideal place for farming. Much of the kingdom's grain and corn supplies were produced by the farmers of the town. A special breed of goat known as Vicbu had also been painstakingly bred specific to the region. The Vicbu grew to be nearly the size of deer. They were covered by a soft pelt of fleece with a distinctive black and grey dappled coloration which had come to be coveted by the locals and visitors alike. A cheese made from the milk of Vicbu, called Quila for its town of origin, was considered a delicacy throughout most of the kingdom and made trade all the more advantageous in the region.

Twice a year, the townspeople held festivals to welcome trade, once in the spring after the snow had thawed, and once in the fall just before the passes would become largely impenetrable. Aside from the summer season, Quila could be largely cut off from the rest of the kingdom for months at a time as snow and rains could make the passes difficult to travel. This was precisely why Jacqueline had decided upon today, a few days before the fall festival, for a trial run with Josephine.

The streets were growing crowded with the number of visiting merchants and travelers coming to Quila. Townspeople were hard at work putting up tents for the festival, decorating storefronts and streets, harvesting crops, gathering wares to sell, and appeasing out of towners along with all the other preparations necessary for hosting such an event. With all the chaos, Jacqueline had to dance her way through the crowd to find her way to the meeting place. Despite a restless night, she had overslept, and Josephine was already waiting for her when she finally arrived.

Josie was casually leaning against a waist-high stone wall in an alley near to the apothecary shop. In her hands was a wooden lute, which she was meticulously tuning with deft, delicate fingers. She was wearing a bright orange and yellow dress which had been crafted to mimic motley in appearance. Her golden hair cascaded in gentle curling rivulets around her shoulders and her crystalline eyes glittered with joy when she glanced up to spot Jacqueline's approach. In contrast, Jacqueline had dressed in comparatively drab traveling clothes designed to obscure her appearance. She wore a pair of brown breeches tucked into brown leather boots, and an oversize olive green shirt beneath a petite similarly colored cloak. Her dark brown hair had been carefully back beneath the cloak's hood in an effort to further disguise her appearance.

“I was wondering when you would get here.” Josie strummed her fingers across the strings of her lute and smiled, apparently satisfied with the instrument's tone.

“I'm not that late, and you can hardly blame me. There are so many people here today. It's perfect!”

The smile faltered from Josie's face and she turned her gaze down the alley to the passing throng of people on the main thoroughfare. “I suppose...are you sure you want to do this, Jaqi?”

Jacqueline frowned and placed her hands on her hips. “Yes,” she hissed in clear disapproval of Josie's question. “Listen, I can't do this without you and we already talked about it. It's foolproof! You'll see!”

Josie glanced down a her lute and then back up to Jacqueline with a pleading expression. “We can get in serious trouble if we get caught, Jaqi.”

“Then we don't get caught. Let's just...go over the plan again, okay?”

Josie nodded and began to play a gentle tune on the lute.

Jacqueline nodded her approval. “Good! Now we'll do it just like we said. You'll play through the street until you come to the well. Settle there and draw a crowd to you with a song or two. I'll watch the crowd for a couple of minutes while you play. What's my cue to enter?”

Josie sighed and started to play a river shanty on the lute, a jaunty tune with bawdy lyrics which was a local favorite. “When I sing 'Joame'.”

“Right! And what's my cue to leave?”

Josephine's fingers danced over the strings, “When I repeat the chorus twice and bridge into an instrumental. Jaqi...”

“You'll do great! You'll see! We can't fail at this Josie. Besides, you don't want to stay in Quila forever, do you? You're wasting your talent here, you know?”

Josie sighed again and ceased her playing. She set the lute against the wall and gave a hard look back to Jacqueline. “I do want to leave. But if we get caught, we won't be going anywhere.”

“Then we don't get caught! Just do it like we discussed. It's fool proof!” Jacqueline held her breath as she watched Josie's resolve wavering. She knew her friend well enough to know that she would typically come around if left alone, but Jacqueline had also never asked her to do something like this before. “Come on, Josie, just give it a try. If it looks like it'll be too risky, just end your playing before 'Joame', okay?”

“Okay.” Josephine retrieved her instrument and flashed an uncertain smile towards Jacqueline. “Okay. Good luck, Jaqi.”

Jacqueline watched her companion heading down to the end of the alley and called out, “I'm counting on you, Josie,” before she got too far away to hear.

Josephine turned around at the end of the alley where golden rays of sunlight surrounded her, giving her a distinctly angelic appearance as she smiled fondly to her friend. “I won't let you down.” With that, she turned to walk into the street and began to play her way through the crowd.

My Son is a Cat

The evidence has been mounting for years that my 2.5 year old, Marshall, is a cat in a human body.  It actually began almost 6 years ago when I first got pregnant with Bishop.  I had a dream that I gave birth to a half-kitten half-baby.  I told Kris about my weird dream and she told me she also had a dream that my baby was half kitten but the opposite half as my dream.  Then Bishop was born, very much human, and I kind of forgot about it for a while.  Then Marshall came around.  He came into this world feet first which stressed EVERYBODY out but, you know, a cat always lands on its feet.  And Marshall definitely landed on his feet.  He has always been the absolute cuddliest baby, like a kitten.  When he whines, it sounds like meowing.  And I'm not talking about all the times he actually pretends to be a cat.  Needless to say, he is very good at that. 

He has climbed into my clean basket of warm laundry a number of times.  He likes to stand in the doorway while he decides whether to go in or out so I can't close the door until he decides.  He is very stubborn.  He likes to hide under pillows.  He enjoys climbing.  The older he gets, the more cat-like he becomes.  He just tried to knock his bowl on the ground while I was typing this.  When I scold him, he looks adorable instead of ashamed because he knows exactly how cute he is. 

Yeah, I may be looking for clues that prove my point, but not always.  A lot of times these behaviors come out of nowhere.  He's mysterious like that. 

He's even cuddly in his sleep

October 1, 2018

Restless


The shrine was one of Jacqueline's favorite places. There was an otherworldly beauty to it that had always stuck with her, despite it being little more than ruins. The forest had grown in thick around the temple, sending out creeping vines and moss in an effort to reclaim the fieldstones for itself. The ceiling had collapsed at some point, sending stones and debris into a chaotic, impenetrable jumble within. Often times, Jacqueline would peer through one of the remaining windows, her gaze searching through the rubble and her mind at work imagining what the temple must have looked like when it had been in use. Were the long stones the remnants of altars or benches? Was this one big room, or had there been more? What had it been used for and why was it abandoned? In all the time she had come here, these questions had never been answered.

The outer gardens still held a small collection of basins with pools of water gathered within them. At times, rays of sunlight would filter through the thick canopy of trees overhead, dancing across the surface of the water and causing it to glitter like hidden treasure. The thick green leaves of the trees held a magic of their own, lending the area an eerie green illumination most of the time which made her feel as if she had stepped into one of her grandmother's fairy stories.

A pedestal still remained in the middle of the garden, entirely untouched by the elements over time. Whatever rested upon the pedestal was dark and squat, and had some manner of curvy silhouette to its appearance. This part of the garden was always shrouded in golden light and was easily the most beautiful part of the shrine as far as Jacqueline was concerned. It was also the place which she disliked the most.

For as long as she could remember, she had explored every part of the ruins in the woods. She had played along the fieldstones and splashed rocks across the surface of the pools of water. She had danced through the rays of sunlight, while the clack and crunch of her boots on the grimy stonework echoed throughout the shrine. She had even spent countless hours observing the figure on the pedestal from a distance, tantalized by what it might be, what secrets she could glean from it. Yet every time she had tried to cross the distance to investigate the lone altar, she would wake up.

Jacqueline lay awake in bed in the last remaining hours before dawn. While her eyes were adjusted to the darkness, she was barely aware of her sparsely furnished bedroom. Her mind's eye was still going over every detail of the ruins in the woods that had plagued her sleep since she was a little girl. The dreams were becoming more frequent lately. She was finding it harder and harder to avoid knowing what the statue was, and where this shrine could be found, and was this even a real place or was it all in her mind?

“Tomorrow,” she murmured to herself trying to reign in her thoughts, “Tomorrow is an important day. I need to sleep.” She blinked back the dream and refocused her attention on the darkened, shuttered window to her left. “I don't have time for dream temples anymore. Probably. At least not for now. And besides,” she yawned, “we've planned too much to back out now. Josie's counting on me...tomorrow...”

The Essence of Who We Are

I thought I would start off blog month with a light subject: personality!  It's weird that that word seems so frivolous.  When I hear 'personality', I think of choosing colors and lattes and sorting people into Hogwarts houses.  But it's the essence of your person-hood, the undefinable thing that makes you a person in this world.  It's heavy shit if you think about it.  Which I do.  All. The. Time.

I've been really into Myers-Briggs typology lately.  It was kind of a snowball effect.  I found a free test and made John take it because I wanted to know what his type was and then because I visited that website, my google homepage kept showing me articles related to MBTI, which I clicked on, which then caused google to show me even more articles.  Now half my news feed is blog posts about how your type deals with getting your toe stubbed in a crowded room while giving a speech to 50 people.  Okay maybe not that specific, but I'm not exaggerating by much.

If you're not familiar with Myers-Briggs types, I'll give you the short version.  There are 16 types based on 4 aspects of personality.  I'll use my type as an example since this is my blog and myself is the subject I'm most knowledgeable about.  My type is INFP which stands for Introvert, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.  I guess Intuition gets to be 'N' because Introvert got there first.  The opposite would be ESTJ which stands for Extrovert, Sensing, Thinking, and Judging.  There is tons on information on the internet if you want to go down that rabbit hole.  I'm just gonna focus on me for now.

Kris is also an INFP but she's borderline INTJ so we're still pretty different.  Basically an INFP is 'they have a ton of personality and a million ideas but good luck getting it out'.  That's actually what makes us ideal writers.  We are very hard to get to know but awesome at putting our ideas in writing.  I remember wanting to be a writer as early as 5th grade and I really sucked at it back then.  At some point, I realized it was a somewhat impractical profession and tried to move on but I've still never settled on anything else.  Recently I found out that choosing a career is actually a big problem for INFPs which makes me feel a lot better.  I also found out that INFPs are the most likely out of all the types to stay home with their children.  I wonder if that is a conscience decision or if it just kinda happens by default.  I just started having kids and hadn't established a career yet so I thought 'I might as well just stay home with them'.  I am glad I got to do it though.  I guess it was a little of both: default and choice.

I think that's enough about me for now.  I will definitely talk more about types in later posts.  I know a few other people's types and I can talk about them.

So.... I will blogging every day this month.  Hopefully I can keep up.  I used to do it at lent, so this should be easy.  Kris will be joining me to.  Can't wait to see what she writes about.  She told me it's something big!