Light-sabers

So I was looking for inspiration about what to write today.  I browsed through my documents on google drive and found a something titled "subject list".  It was from a more ambitious time when Kris and I were going to write about certain topics every week.  We literally never got started.  But I did write down some random subjects to write about.  The flashiest on the list was light-sabers!  I was probably watching my son destroy the apartment with a light-saber when I came up with that list.  Everything else was boring. 

Anyway, after Bishop broke a light bulb in his room with his toy light-saber, it was confiscated.  I'm pretty sure he had broken something else before that and there was way too many near misses.  Just seeing him holding it was enough to put my anxiety through the roof.  He's probably gonna be in therapy like 20 years from now talking about how his parents never let him have light-sabers and he'll have a whole room in his house that's just ceiling to floor light-sabers and swords.  At least he'll be protected against Emperor Palpatine.  No Sith will be safe in that house.  It's a good thing we took his toy light-saber away so he hoards them later.  Now I know he'll be protected as an adult.  As we all know, Sith attack is the number one threat to adulthood. 

Ironically, one of the other subjects on that list was "Being an Adult".  Bishop is going to be an interesting adult.  I honestly can't wait to see it.  I mean I can wait, cause he's my baby and I want him to stay that way as long as possible, but it will also be fun to watch him grow up.  Picking his brain is already one of my favorite activities.  He has some crazy ideas about how things work. 

It's the Holidays

I want to be excited about it but I haven't finished my shopping yet.  I remember when I used to have finals and term papers due this time of year.  That was awful.  Thank god that's over with. 

I'm having trouble writing today.  My thoughts are just everywhere except any suitable topic.  My brain is like "topic? no, lets think about all this personal stuff you can't share about!"  And I'm over here like "Brain!  I said I was gonna post every Tuesday!  Don't make me a liar!"  But I guess my brain doesn't really care so I'm just stuck here arguing with myself. 

By the way, the 'personal stuff' has nothing to do with John.  I feel like every time someone talks about non-specific personal issues, you assume it's the spouse first.  I mean it makes sense because that's the person you spend the most time with so the odds are higher that it's them, but it's not.  John is a perfect human being that can do no wrong and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.  Including John.  Because I know he'll disagree with me but he's wrong. 

So now that I've argued with myself and some fictional person who theoretically wants to fight me, I've run out of people to argue with.  I need a Kris.  She's really good at arguing.  I'm actually looking forward to my kids being teenagers.  I feel like they'll be really good at arguing about nonsense.  That's all I really need in life.  Real arguments make me uncomfortable, but nonsense arguments are the best.  That's seems like a good place to end.  My brain is spent. 

Not Shy

I was recently contemplating my "shyness".  I put it in quotes because I'm not entirely sure what being shy entails and I'm not quite sure it accurately describes my social nature.  I feel like everyone has a different definition of exactly what it means.  I don't think the word technically applies to me but considering the number of times I've been asked "why are you so quiet?" in my lifetime, I'm sure there are many people who see me as 'shy'.  I suppose I could look up a definition and settle the matter but that won't stop people from thinking I'm shy in real life.  It's not like every time someone points out how shy I am I pull a dictionary out of my pocket to correct their terminology and offer them a more appropriate word to describe myself.  That would involve engaging in conversation and I don't do that because I'm.... a quiet person. 

I actually did figure out the heart of the issue.  The key lies in drama class.  I've always enjoyed acting.  Even when I was terrified to stand on stage and perform, I still volunteered for plays.  It's like some invisible force was pushing me into these uncomfortable situations.  Then at some point between middle school and high school, I started to enjoy the adrenaline rush of being on stage.  I loved being in drama club.  It was one of the biggest anomalies of my life, to be so quiet and practically invisible at my small high school but jump at the chance to perform in front of an audience.  But there was one part of drama club I did not enjoy.  I absolutely hated Freeze. 

For those who didn't go to my high school and take drama, Freeze is a game where everyone stands in a circle with 2 actors in the middle.  They improvise a scene until someone yells 'freeze'.  Then both people freeze and the new person chooses an actor to tag out and they take their place and start a new scene.  The only time I ever played it is when the drama teacher would yell freeze and then insert me into the scene.  Then I had to come with a scenario on the spot.  Sound familiar?  This is what real life conversations are like except way less scripted than real life.  You could be anyone, anywhere, any time and it was terrifying.  As many of you know, I am terrible at making decisions.  The less meaningful the decision, the harder it is to make and 30 seconds of make-believe in drama class is one of the most meaningless decisions I can think of.  I'd rather be walking around the school naked, on the way to take a test I didn't study for than come up with 30 seconds of make-believe with someone I barely talk to in real life. 

So that is the heart of my issue: improvisation.  That's why I love writing so much.  There no one here judging what I'm writing as I type it and I can proof read before anyone sees it.  But real conversations require a lot of improv.  Yeah, society provides us with a small script sometimes but it's taken me years to learn that so you can just imagine how awkward my teenage years were.  I don't mind being seen or heard when I have a script.  I'm not afraid of people noticing me or paying attention to me.  I'm afraid of people expecting me to say something when I have nothing to say. 

This is also why I suck at class discussions.  By the time I formulate something worth saying, the conversation has usually moved in a different direction.  I need time to think and ponder what I want to say and usually people want an answer right away. 

And that's why I'm not shy.  I don't know what to call it.  Bad a improv.  There should be a word for that.