February 28, 2013
I'm sorry, but I fail to see how it's "best practice" to teach teachers that the only way to learn is by giving unreasonable amounts of homework weekly, expecting students to finish it, and then have them sit through lectures as well. My school has absolutely killed my desire to continue learning in this field and almost to continue wanting to teach altogether. The irony here is that if I do get a job teaching, I have to do continuing education classes in order to maintain my certification. They literally have me coming and going.
This week alone, I just finished ten reflections, the fourth major paper in four weeks, and a multitude of other assignments which are mostly minor but when put together with being in the classroom daily and the things I have to do for church, I am left with only brief periods of time to devote to this blog before bed. This cycle is destroying my creativity and my desire to wake up in the mornings. My organiziation has failed, my health has deteriorated with illness, and there's no promise of a job in my future.
I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water and listlessly drifting without any real plan.
On a less depressing note, have some kitties:
|Surprised? Then you don't know me at all|
On a related note, is anyone having a 'bring your baby' Halloween party? I think he'll be a little young for trick or treating and probably too young for a 'let's all get drunk in costumes' party. What else is there to do on Halloween? He'll be too cute to just leave at home with a sitter. Nobody puts Batman in a corner. He has tools. He will get vengeance.
February 27, 2013
I'm getting paid to be bored right now. Sometimes life is kinda awesome. I wish being bored for money was more steady work. Or I should say, being bored for good money. I know there's a lot of minimum wage jobs out there that involve sitting around waiting for customers. I don't really wanna do that. Mainly cause you're always supposed to look busy and trying to find things to do so your boss can get the most out of their $8 an hour can be exhausting. My boss can't even see me right now. I don't even really know who my boss is. I guess it would be the principal but that changes almost daily if I go to different schools. There's a lady I can call at the district office but she's more of an HR person than a boss.
It's hard to tell how long this blog is right now. I feel like I've been writing forever. I'm on my 4th page now but they're small pages. I guess I'll find out when I type this up later. I'm seriously off in my own little world right now. I keep forgetting the students are even here.
The office staff here aren't very nice. I went in during prep to ask about the bathroom and she gave me a look like 'why are you bothering me?' I understand if your job isn't terribly exciting but would it kill you to smile? I'm sorry I'm such a drain on your time for not knowing the ins and outs of your giant fucking high school. Of course compared to my high school, almost everywhere I go seems huge. The only tiny high school I've been to has like 10 teachers and is home to all the problem students who got kicked out of regular high school. It's a surprisingly easy job. The kids probably get in trouble the second they step out of line. I watch them do art and play basketball. I've been there like 5 times for the same teacher and it's always the same thing. I wish I could do art all day. Maybe I should bring a folder of projects to keep myself entertained. As much as I love writing, I can't do it all day. Especially without a computer.
I think Bishop is anxious to get home now. He's kicking me. Well, there's 15 minutes of school left now. I think this is a good place to end it. I've filled up 6 pages of notebook. We'll see how that translates to blog.
Wow, I must have been bored. It's my longest blog so far. I just have to add, on my way out when I was turning in my keys and folder, there was a different lady at the office and she was super nice. She said things like "good to have you here" and "have a great day!" At least someone was in a good mood.
Someone pointed out that we were going on a Friday and for those of you who don't know, they serve chicken as the dinner portion of the "dinner and tournamet". Being as it's Lent, I'm not technically supposed to eat meat. Was it wrong that my first reaction was "I can always go to confession"?
The whole not eating meat on Fridays thing always struck me as a little odd when I was growing up. Now that I understand the reason for it, I still think it's a little odd. People used to give up much more than meat on Fridays. Lent was supposed to be a time for fasting. People would give up fats and sweets, sometimes even more for the entire 40 days of Lent. I've always wanted to try doing this, but every year Lent comes around and it begins and then my brain says "Hey...weren't we going to do that traditional thing this year?" and the rest of my brain goes "Shhhhhhh...yeah...oh well." I wonder how this period of fasting got started. I also wonder when it transitioned from giving up so much to just not eating meat on Fridays. That's a pretty significant transition!
These are things I should probably be asking about while I'm in RCIA...or I could use the internet to try to answer my own questions. Chances are, I'll probably forget again, but maybe now that I wrote a blog about it, there's a chance I may remember and write a complimentary update one of these days.
Will these questions ever be answered?
Will something of more significance be posted?
Will we ever find out whether I break Lent and eat meat or if I keep true?
Stay tuned to find out!
February 26, 2013
So we got to see the inside of the house with the lemon tree. We also took home some lemons. We're turning in our application tomorrow so hopefully that lemon tree will be ours soon. Its a cute little house. I really hope we get it because we just got upstairs neighbors and they are so noisy. That apartment has been empty for so long, we got spoiled.
Anyway, it's late. Here's a kitten.
Thank you sister K for your kind words. They are an inspiration for a crazy rambler and self-entitled ranter.
February 25, 2013
I somehow think I managed to get pink-eye. I'm not entirely certain how this happened, although from a little internet search online it suggests that I should actually be going to see a physician right now at 10p.m. because what I have isn't pink-eye and may be something worse. Whatever happened to doctors making house calls?
As such, with me barely being able to see out of one eye, I'm not going to be coming up with anything interesting today. I'm just miserable now. I'm still sick with something that resembles strep and now I'm sure I'll have to go to the doctor tomorrow. And this is really bad because if I have pink-eye, I technically can't be in school as I was planning on being in school tomorrow because of its contageous nature.
Update: Apparently there's a crazy virus that not only attacks your sinuses and throat, but also your eyes. Bleck.
Speaking of babies, it's been a pretty crazy first year of marriage. John got his AS, I dropped out of a masters program, we spent a couple days in Vegas, I got pregnant, and today we found out we're having a boy! To celebrate, we went out and bought this...
I wanted it in a onesie but this is the closest we could find. He'll fit into it eventually. Only a little over 4 months until I get to meet him :)
February 24, 2013
Today, I was inspired to think about lacking inspiration. I'm increasingly impressed with people who are able to go out into the world and see things I would never have noticed before and then turn them into amazing things like works of art and literature, or new inventions. You people out there? You're amazing! Keep doing what you're doing because we need more people like you...and it's very tragic to say that the current direction our education system is taking is limiting the opportunities children have to develop these aspects as they grow.
I wish I had more of a creative drive. When I see things, I can take them and bend them a little into something interesting for me, but often times it's nothing so unique or fundamentally new that it's really 'interesting'. It makes me wonder whether the same message is really worth repeating again and again with slight alterations, or whether all this is doing is saturating the market with less interesting versions of creative things which already exist.
Take all the literature on zombies out there for instance. There is a ridiculous amount of it. You can't walk into a book store without running into something. I'm sure some of it is good, but there is too much to sift through. One has to wonder if it's worth the time and effort to sift to find the good stuff. There are a few things that have come recommended, mostly books which were at the forefront of this necrophilia, but the gag has gone on too long and it has become tiresome, even for those who used to enjoy the campy old movies or the newer spins on older innovations.
Something else will come along, but then I remember a few of the other fads in recent memory. Harry Potter sired a multitude of "knock-off" literature (I use this term generally because I'm sure not all of it was Harry Potter inspired and the idea of a wizarding school was not first seen in Harry Potter alone). Then came the Sookie Stackhouse novels and...no, I'm not even going to say the name. We all know about what sparkly hell was wrought upon us by fangirls everywhere. This was quickly followed by a plague of movies, television series, and other literature which-one could argue originated years ago with Anne Rice's novels more than anything else-really hasn't been all that good or inspired either, generally speaking.
So my question, the one that has had me grappling with my ability to continue in my devotion to writing is: where is the line drawn? If you love to write, but the message or the content is utter rubbish, should you pursue publication for vindication? If you have nothing else that's really new to offer, should you proceed anyway? Is the same story retold in a more (but often times, less) compelling voice worth adding? Am I over thinking things?
Maybe it's better to look on the positive side. The book which dwindles in the hour between day and night inspired people to fall in love with reading...and then girls to become infatuated with boys solely because they are painfully good looking, but that's not really anything 'new' anyway (and from what I understand, there's another teen series out there somewhere that's even worse with the latter currently). I suppose that even if a piece lacks inspiration, it shouldn't just be discounted as 'nothing' or 'worthless'. I suppose that if the end result is improvement in the life of someone else, whether it's confidence for the artist or benefits for the audience, that this is something of significance, a kind of good, and that's ok too. Perhaps in the end, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. There will always be the kind of people who will see something and become inspired and make it beautiful and there will be those appreciating it and critiquing it, but that's just life. In a way, lacking inspiration can kind of be inspirational too.
February 23, 2013
Yesterday I subbed for a band teacher. I got to listen to decent band music for at least a couple hours. There was also a guitar class but they were all doing their own thing so it wasn't very entertaining. Then during one of my prep periods, I was sitting in the teachers office reading my book and I realized there was a choir class right on the other side of the wall. They were pretty good. Except the first song they sang was "I dreamed a dream" from Les Mis. They did a good job but that's kind of a weird song to sing with a group of people. It makes way more sense as a solo. Its hard to inject the right emotion into a chorus.
And now.... Here's a kitten. Because I can.
Either way, I am so confused this morning. It took me nearly a full hour to sort out what was a dream and what wasn't. That's just...not right. Perhaps being sick has something to do with this as well. I've already been having a hard time concentrating in the last few days. What's made everything even more wacky is that I feel like I'm out of touch with time. I thought for sure I had missed a blog. I guess not. Everything seems up to date, but it just feels like there was one more day in this week. This week has grown an extra day, an 8th day, in my mind.
As I said, this isn't the first time such a condition has messed with my sanity. I woke up convinced one of my parents was dead because of a realistically vivid dream. It took a while for me to sort out events as reality actually occurred. From a metaphysical standpoint, my brain is gold. It begs questions like: What is reality? How do we know it to be real? If dreams can affect our perception of reality, how do we know what we're perceiving is in fact reality? Darn it...I think I'm finally starting to understand Berkeley better, even if I refuse to agree with him on principle! I might pursue this line of reasoning if works like Inception among other things didn't exist. For now, it's a venue I think I'll refrain from indulging in during writing other than to chronical the oddity of my mind, and in the meanwhile I must do some research on this.
What ever happened to my lent blog being about my religious journey?
February 22, 2013
Etta is quite possibly the most affectionate kitten I've ever met. She loves pets and butt scratches. She even demands them. Most kittens just want you to move your fingers around so they can pounce on them and then run away laughing.
He's also insanely smart.
He's the kind of kid that only has to see things once to know how they work. This makes it very difficult for us to keep him out of things he shouldn't be in. Once he sees you doing something, he knows exactly how to replicate it. He demonstrated this today by trying to "change my diaper". Apparently, he has decided that this routine behavior has become a game. I don't even know.
He just got up from his nap and is now tugging at my hand, so I am going to go play in his Fisher-Price tent with him because I'm cool enough to play in the tent!
February 21, 2013
I'm excited about moving but I'm not excited about packing. I just hope we can find a place and get out before I get enormous. I'm showing already but at least my belly isn't getting in my way... yet.
I should look up some lemon recipes. Maybe get some jars to store lemon juice. Mmmm.
Last night, despite feeling sick, I decided to go to church to hear a lecture: "Love; baby don't hurt me". How can anyone not go to something like that? It just begs attendance, which certainly did not disappoint. I think there were at least twenty or so of us there.
The lecture was on who not to date, or rather, what to look for in a relationship that will key you in that maybe the person you're with isn't exactly the one for you. I hate to say I fit quite a few of these "warning signs" from people I have dated in the past. Apparently, I have bad instincts when it comes to dating. Why is this lecture not a dating handbook? Then again, if it had been, would I even have bothered reading it/taking it seriously? Hard to say now. I've seen my share of successful relationships since then that I'd like to believe I know better what to look for, but who knows. Love has a tendency to blind you.
I tried to look up the the particular article that was used, but I couldn't find it. I'm not sure whether it's a specific lecture or if it can be found online, that's rather part of the problem. With google's new tracking policies, I've found it to be a far less reliable tool for helping me find what I'm looking for, expecially when I click links to see if "this might be it" and it decides this must be what I'm looking for. If I find it, I'll definitely link it to this page, because I think it was a good lecture and I think it would be useful to others. I'm not sure how useful it was for me aside from pinpointing where I've gone wrong inthe past, but even that can be helpful for future relationships.
February 20, 2013
Also, I wish the natomas school district would stop using time cards. About an hour of our time spent driving was to go to the district office to drop off my time card, which took 2 seconds, and then driving back. There should be a better way to do that. I'm not made of gas money.
I wish a side affect of getting sick wasn't tiredness. I know it's your body's way of telling you that you need sleep to recover, but I have a lot of things going on. Not just homework things. I mean, things in a general sense. I have people to spend time with and things I want to do, no just have to do. It just seems that my refusal to get sick isn't helping any. If Angela were to comment in this post she'd probably say: "Kris would formulate an argument out of being sick if she could." I think that's what I'm trying to do here more or less. If I can make a case for why I can't or shouldn't be getting sick and it will cure me, consider it done!
That being said, I guess I'll contend myself with getting some sleep tonight and taking it easy for the next couple of days. At the very least, I don't have to be in class all the time yet. Starting March 11th, that all changes, so it's probably for the better I got sick now instead of later.
Sorry about the lame topic.
February 19, 2013
Sometimes I think part of the reason I study psychology, theology, and philosophy so much as well as indulging in role playing and acting is all to help me understand people better. I just...want so very much to understand people. I don't get certain behaviors or personality types. I try to. I really do. But some things are just beyond my grasp. I can't help but feel like it's possible. I know it's not. There are too many diverging ideas and rationalities, explanations, evaluations, ideologies, etc. No one has been able to nail down human behaviors or understanding in all the years that we've cognitively existed, and no one ever will. I just can't help but think if there was an answer, maybe I could finally get people...but maybe it's not really that important in the long run either.
This always seems to happen when I allow plenty of time for blogging. I opened blogger at least 2 hours ago and was distracting myself with various internet things while trying to think of a topic. If I leave my blog until the end of the day or I only have a few minutes to write, it takes me like 30 seconds to think of a topic. My brain must run on procrastination. This is why I could never write a novel. There is no book that can be written in 5 minutes. Not one anybody in their right mind would publish anyway.
On the plus side, I beat Kris today. Unless she manages to post seconds before me...
February 18, 2013
John's gonna be so pissed when he reads this. I'm even typing it on his computer so it's like double insult. I'm in a weird mood today. He did take me to get bundt cake and tea today so that was super awesome of him. I thanked him with the giant pile of ashes. He was not appreciative.
I was just about to say something about posting before Kris and then I checked the blog and noticed that she posted just minutes ago... so close. Maybe tomorrow.
I find myself starting to feel differently about things I never really batted an eye at before. It's little stuff, really. Content on television, in songs, in movies. Stories about people mistreating others. Even disappointment in my own thoughts and actions, although it isn't nearly like the self-deprication that it was before. Ultimately, I don't think these changes are bad, it's just...different. Unexpected. I have to wonder whether this is because I've just really started taking my faith more seriously or because I've been putting more things into practice since going through RCIA.
I have to say, I kind of like the "new me". It's like a better version of the old me.
February 17, 2013
I've had some real interesting dreams in the past. Many of my dreams which end up being totally bizarre or really "out there" typically happen when my friends appear in them. I swear, this is the case. If you're a friend of mine, you should be praying I don't dream about you, because it's always the strangest. For instance, last night decided to put one such male acquaintance in short-shorts and hot pink fishnet tank-top, topping the look off with large gold hoop earrings in what I can only assume was an attempt to completely destroy what's left of my sanity.
I have not been able to stop laughing since, so it must have worked. I sound like a lunatic. This image has not left me alone all morning and I run the risk of bursting out laughing inappropriately in mass in about an hour or so here. I'm totally doomed. I'm sure it will be around the time that the priest says "This is my body" and there I'll go, laughing away like a fruitcake while everyone else is all "What is her problem" and then I'll be the only one to be excommunicated BEFORE being confirmed Catholic. [Potential update later today!]
In conclusion, my mind is a scary, scary place, and really should probably be considered a "disaster zone". Beware all ye who enter here!
February 16, 2013
So I'm laying in bed an hour before midnight and suddenly I realize "shit! I forgot to blog!" Sigh, its happening already. I'm only 4 days into lent and already forgetting to blog. Hopefully I'm just out of practice. I'll get better and remember to write at an actual computer so I'm not such typing on my phone. Its annoying. It takes way to long to type on the phone.
I don't have anything profound or awesome to talk about today. I'm just tired and its my bedtime. Goodnight internet.
At first, I was kind of excited, but now I can't help but find myself to be kind of nervous. I thought it might be concern over making my first confession again (this has kind of been something I've been grappling with), but I think this is something more. The end of my journey through RCIA (the last time I'll really have to go through some kind of confirmation class), the end of my Master's degree right around the corner from there, the end of my certification process; all of this is happening at once. It's like, all of my plans and all of the steps that I've had for the last two years are all coming to completion now. Every step has been maticulously planned out: these are the classes to take, these are the times, these are the tests, these are the obligations, these are the rites to complete, etc.
I realized for the first time in two years, I have absolutely no guiding force for what's going to happen next. This is a totally scary thing for someone like me. I need a goal and steps that I can take to accomplish that goal. I don't have any goals other than "Find a job" and the only steps you can take are "apply and interview". The rest is entirely out of my control. That's a terrifying thought. It's not that I prefer to have my life run and not have to take responsibility. It's just kind of frightening to go from having everything layed out and knowing what you have to do, to having absolutely no idea about what's going on.
Today signifies the first day of the culmination of all these things. It'll be worse in four or five weeks, when Lent, RCIA, and the last of my classes are over and all I have left is my student teaching. I don't think I'm ready for all this "adult stuff".
February 15, 2013
The second time was this morning when I had a completely full bladder and John was taking his sweet time in the bathroom before work. Peanut started kicking me.
I think a full bladder is like caffeine for babies.
I was wondering what happens after the Pope steps down. Does he get retirement benefits? Does he get housing? What does this mean? These aren't questions that I have answered yet, just things I've been thinking about. From what I understand so far, the only thing it really means is that a new Pope must be elected. So...probably nothing major. Although a lot of questions have been floating around the internet about whether or not the Church will see major changes if a more liberal Pope is elected.
I don't really see this happening. At least not as far as current issues go. But we'll have to see what the future holds!
February 14, 2013
I left my observation early today. As I was leaving, I felt such an overwhelming desire to go to my church. I've been praying for a while for some guidance or direction lately. I really hate my school. I know I want to teach, but this has been the most miserable experience. I found another school I would like to attend to get a secondary degree in Catholic theology, but I just didn't know if that's where I should go, or if I should look for a job or what. Today, I felt such a strong sensation that I'm where I need to be right now. Maybe all I really need is a little mentoring. I don't know. Perhaps I just need to learn to focus on what's going on what's happening right now a bit better.
On a baby note, everybody noticed my belly today. One of the adult faculty asked me when I'm due. Students were asking me about the baby all day. One even asked if she could touch my belly. I said no. That's just weird. I think my stomach grew last night because no one asked me about being pregnant yesterday. It's nice that people notice because it's the biggest part of my life right now and it's cool that people recognize it. Also I was finally able to schedule my ultrasound so we can find out what we're having! I have an appointment on the 25th, the day after our anniversary. I can't wait! I waiting almost 2 weeks for the office to call me to schedule the appointment. But its cool... I'm not mad... I'm just glad I finally got the appointment.
Today was an eventful day. Thank god its over.
February 13, 2013
Unlike Kris, I won't be talking about becoming Catholic everyday because I already became Catholic... and then I stopped. I'll probably end up talking about babies all the time since I currently have a little person growing inside me. Or I'll talk about substitute teaching (aka glorified babysitting). Those are the things happening in my life right now. And then in a few weeks we'll have kittens and I can post things about their shenanigans. Unfortunately Olive died a couple months ago and she has left a kitty shaped hole in my life.
Anyway, I will be going to receive my ashes in less than an hour so that lent may officially begin. Is it wrong to post my blog before I get my ashes? I think it still counts.
I feel really out of practice. It has been way too long since I've written anything. I'll try to make tomorrow more coherent. It's hard to live up to Kris and her blog/ novel on the very first day. WAY TO RUIN THE CURVE KRIS!
This year, as with last year, the only agreement that Angela and I have made is that "We are definitely doing a Lent blog" and "both of us had better contribute". This leaves me pretty much in the same place that I was last year: struggling to come up with an idea to write about for every day of the week, and in the middle of an endless supply of school work and real life obligations. Last year, I chose to write a weekly piece about things that began with every letter of "LENT". This year, I don't think I have the time to do that, and here's why.
As an added bonus to getting my teaching certification and my Master's degree, I've also decided to join RCIA and become Catholic.
I know. I must be crazy. With numerous other obligations and responsibilities, adding one more thing into this mix just seems insane. But with five more weeks to go or so until I'm confirmed Catholic, I can say I don't regret doing this now. The time just seems right. So, I started thinking about what I could do for a Lent blog this year, with time constraints, and homework, and lesson planning and all that lovely stuff that goes along with getting a degree and becoming a certified instructor, the only thing I can think to write about which would be managable is my experience going through RCIA, culminating in Lent, my first confession, first communion, and eventually confirmation. Last year, I avoided the topic of religion and politics as much as possible and wrote many a blog of how lame I was for having too much homework to write a blog, littered with appologies, and a sense that what I was doing wasn't really achieving anything or really in the spirit of a "Lent blog". This year, I choose to write about my experiences in my new chosen faith.
You are warned, reader.
I've participated in Ash Wednesday services before, but never at a Catholic church. I really didn't know what to expect. Essentially, it was the same as mass except we went up to the altar twice instead of once. Well, most people went up twice instead of once. I chose to stay back during the Eucharist because there were a lot of people and I don't think I can take it yet anyway. I had sort of an epiphany today, actually. The entire service is about recognizing our condition as sinners and the need for a savior, the ashes reminding us of our imperfect nature.
When I was growing up in a Protestant church, I pretty much always felt alone with my sins. I mean, the message doesn't really change about trying not to sin, but there's like this whole unspoken-ness about sins and sinning (at least in the church I grew up in, but I've heard similar things with other people I've talked to who are also Protestant). I want to focus on my own experience here, because I certainly don't believe that all churches are like this, or that only Catholic churches are free of what I've gone through growing up. But I digress. So my experience from my youth: sinning is a private matter between you and God; if you screw up, you pray about it and do better in the future. Feel guilty about it? Just keep preying. Sure, you could talk to someone about it, but there's a pretty good chance it's going to end up all over the church if you do, so just be prepared for that.
I feel like I've grown up with this skewed idea of sinners and sins from my upbringing. I personally have low self-esteem anyway, and I find I always put everyone else on this pedestal. I constantly struggle with guilt, feelings of inadequacy, more guilt, and a fear of letting others see me as anything less than a morally upright young woman who never makes mistakes because God forbid that happen. But today, as I'm sitting in a service reminding us that we're all sinners and inviting the entire congregation to come up and put ashes on their foreheads in acceptance of this fact, my mind was completely blown. For the first time in all the years of my life going to church, I no longer feel inadequate, or worried that anyone else is going to find out I'm a sinner. It's as if being a part of this experience, this acceptance of sin, this resolve to try to follow Christ and live a more righteous life has freed me from my old insecurities and perhaps to a degree, self-denial. I also feel like I've taken the first steps towards trying to be less judgmental, we'll see how that goes. One can only hope.
It's actually kind of remarkable how a little smudge on your forehead can really change you.