Today, my RCIA group had to go to the Bishop as the next step in the confirmation process. Once again, I didn't know what to expect from today, but it was essentially like Mass but without the Eucharist. The process was simple enough: we stand to be recognized by the Bishop and then we're able to be confirmed in the church in a couple weeks.
At first, I was kind of excited, but now I can't help but find myself to be kind of nervous. I thought it might be concern over making my first confession again (this has kind of been something I've been grappling with), but I think this is something more. The end of my journey through RCIA (the last time I'll really have to go through some kind of confirmation class), the end of my Master's degree right around the corner from there, the end of my certification process; all of this is happening at once. It's like, all of my plans and all of the steps that I've had for the last two years are all coming to completion now. Every step has been maticulously planned out: these are the classes to take, these are the times, these are the tests, these are the obligations, these are the rites to complete, etc.
I realized for the first time in two years, I have absolutely no guiding force for what's going to happen next. This is a totally scary thing for someone like me. I need a goal and steps that I can take to accomplish that goal. I don't have any goals other than "Find a job" and the only steps you can take are "apply and interview". The rest is entirely out of my control. That's a terrifying thought. It's not that I prefer to have my life run and not have to take responsibility. It's just kind of frightening to go from having everything layed out and knowing what you have to do, to having absolutely no idea about what's going on.
Today signifies the first day of the culmination of all these things. It'll be worse in four or five weeks, when Lent, RCIA, and the last of my classes are over and all I have left is my student teaching. I don't think I'm ready for all this "adult stuff".