February 23, 2015

Doubling back

Bishops napping.  I finally have enough time to think properly.  However, there's been something on my mind lately that I think falls under the category of my wounds so instead of thinking about new questions, I'm going to expand on the previous one about blessings and wounds. 

To begin, I need to say that I've been taking antibiotics since last Wednesday.  I got a call from the doctor last week (not my doctor, I'm pretty sure she's on vacation right now, which is off topic its just kind of a weird feeling to get a medical call from someone you don't know who knows all your business) about my routine yearly check up to let me know that I had an infection.  So he gave me the strong meds cause I told him I'm not breastfeeding anymore.  I kinda wish I'd lied about that cause the stuff he gave me is terrible and some less harsh meds could have done the same job.  Anyway, the side effects make me feel kinda sick sometimes, tired all the time, and there's a terrible taste in my mouth most of the time (like whenever I'm not eating or drinking something).  John bought me some gum for that. 

I feel like I've been typing forever and I haven't even gotten to the point yet.  So, with all those symptoms mixed together, it was making me feel kind of depressed.  Specifically one night, I was feeling very depressed.  I suddenly felt very bad about my weight.  That's hard for me to say.  That's probably why I spent so much time explaining my meds cause part of me wants people to get bored reading and never make it this far to find out that I'm self conscious about it.  I just don't wanna be one of those girls who talks about how fat she is all the time.  But I was feeling really bad about it.  I'm just bigger than I used to be and it's hard not to wish for my old body back and wish that I fit into my old clothes.  And I was thinking that those thoughts aren't like me and it's weird that I was even having them but I realized that I do think those thoughts at other times and try to just push them aside because I don't like to waste my time being negative.  I try to think about how it just doesn't matter.  It's not an unhealthy amount of weight and I'm happy with the food choices I make and while its not a bad idea to actively try to lose weight, I do not want how I look to control how I perceive myself.  I want to be happy with my body right now, regardless of what might change in the future. 

I think this issue is doubly hurtful because I never thought that I would care about it.  It was easy for me to accept my body when I was smaller and it was easy to think that women should accept their size no matter what.  Now it's hard. 

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