Dream a Little Dream of Me?

It's Sunday and since Angela insists that Sundays don't count for Lent (I wouldn't expect a blog out of her today), I have decided to give the whole topic of religion and converting and my crazy insecurities and rambling a break.  Instead, I want to talk about my crazy muse.

I've had some real interesting dreams in the past.  Many of my dreams which end up being totally bizarre or really "out there" typically happen when my friends appear in them.  I swear, this is the case.  If you're a friend of mine, you should be praying I don't dream about you, because it's always the strangest.  For instance, last night decided to put one such male acquaintance in short-shorts and hot pink fishnet tank-top, topping the look off with large gold hoop earrings in what I can only assume was an attempt to completely destroy what's left of my sanity.

I have not been able to stop laughing since, so it must have worked.  I sound like a lunatic.  This image has not left me alone all morning and I run the risk of bursting out laughing inappropriately in mass in about an hour or so here.  I'm totally doomed.  I'm sure it will be around the time that the priest says "This is my body" and there I'll go, laughing away like a fruitcake while everyone else is all "What is her problem" and then I'll be the only one to be excommunicated BEFORE being confirmed Catholic. [Potential update later today!]

In conclusion, my mind is a scary, scary place, and really should probably be considered a "disaster zone".  Beware all ye who enter here!

Emergency phone blog

So I'm laying in bed an hour before midnight and suddenly I realize "shit! I forgot to blog!" Sigh, its happening already. I'm only 4 days into lent and already forgetting to blog. Hopefully I'm just out of practice. I'll get better and remember to write at an actual computer so I'm not such typing on my phone. Its annoying. It takes way to long to type on the phone.

I don't have anything profound or awesome to talk about today. I'm just tired and its my bedtime. Goodnight internet.

Rite of Election

Today, my RCIA group had to go to the Bishop as the next step in the confirmation process.  Once again, I didn't know what to expect from today, but it was essentially like Mass but without the Eucharist.  The process was simple enough:  we stand to be recognized by the Bishop and then we're able to be confirmed in the church in a couple weeks.

At first, I was kind of excited, but now I can't help but find myself to be kind of nervous.  I thought it might be concern over making my first confession again (this has kind of been something I've been grappling with), but I think this is something more.  The end of my journey through RCIA (the last time I'll really have to go through some kind of confirmation class), the end of my Master's degree right around the corner from there, the end of my certification process; all of this is happening at once.  It's like, all of my plans and all of the steps that I've had for the last two years are all coming to completion now.  Every step has been maticulously planned out:  these are the classes to take, these are the times, these are the tests, these are the obligations, these are the rites to complete, etc.

I realized for the first time in two years, I have absolutely no guiding force for what's going to happen next.  This is a totally scary thing for someone like me.  I need a goal and steps that I can take to accomplish that goal.  I don't have any goals other than "Find a job" and the only steps you can take are "apply and interview".  The rest is entirely out of my control.  That's a terrifying thought.  It's not that I prefer to have my life run and not have to take responsibility.  It's just kind of frightening to go from having everything layed out and knowing what you have to do, to having absolutely no idea about what's going on.

Today signifies the first day of the culmination of all these things.  It'll be worse in four or five weeks, when Lent, RCIA, and the last of my classes are over and all I have left is my student teaching.  I don't think I'm ready for all this "adult stuff".

My little troll

I've decided that our baby must be a boy because it likes to troll me when I have to pee.  I'm not talking about the 50 times a day I have to pee and have easy access to a bathroom.  Peanut doesn't really care about moving during those times.  I'm talking about the times I have to pee but have no access to the bathroom.  Like a few days ago when I was subbing and I had to wait about an hour because it was in the middle of class.  Students can get up and go to the bathroom whenever but teachers have to wait until designated breaks because if we leave kids alone they will set the building on fire.  Or something.  Anyway, I was waiting patiently for my break when peanut decided to start doing flips.  It's like she was saying "oh, you have to pee? Here, let me MASSAGE THAT FOR YOU!" 

The second time was this morning when I had a completely full bladder and John was taking his sweet time in the bathroom before work.  Peanut started kicking me. 

I think a full bladder is like caffeine for babies. 

Episode IV: A New Pope

It's a time of transition in the Catholic Church.  For the first time in almost 700 years, the Pope has elected to step down.  Now the Cardinals will have to come together to determine the fate of the Church...

I was wondering what happens after the Pope steps down.  Does he get retirement benefits?  Does he get housing?  What does this mean?  These aren't questions that I have answered yet, just things I've been thinking about.  From what I understand so far, the only thing it really means is that a new Pope must be elected.  So...probably nothing major.  Although a lot of questions have been floating around the internet about whether or not the Church will see major changes if a more liberal Pope is elected.

I don't really see this happening.  At least not as far as current issues go.  But we'll have to see what the future holds!

Ramblings

If I learned anything about today, it's that I need to find a way to integrate aspects of my life a bit better.  I remember thinking last night about what I'd like to talk about today, but everything's gone.  Life really has a way of making you forget things with complication.  It's a tricky thing.  You try to write stuff down, but you lose the writing, you try to remember, but it fades.  The best you can do is to keep reminding yourself to do better and keep trying to find a system that works.

I left my observation early today.  As I was leaving, I felt such an overwhelming desire to go to my church.  I've been praying for a while for some guidance or direction lately.  I really hate my school.  I know I want to teach, but this has been the most miserable experience.  I found another school I would like to attend to get a secondary degree in Catholic theology, but I just didn't know if that's where I should go, or if I should look for a job or what.  Today, I felt such a strong sensation that I'm where I need to be right now.  Maybe all I really need is a little mentoring.  I don't know.  Perhaps I just need to learn to focus on what's going on what's happening right now a bit better.

The Devil is an 8th Grader

So today I subbed for a school that is middle school and high school combined.  Last week I subbed there for the first time.  I had all high school classes.  I didn't yell at anybody.  Today I had two sophomore classes and three 8th grade classes.  I cursed in class, sent one student to the office before class even started, and repeated the words "sit down" more than I've ever said them in life... combined.  The 10th graders were great.  I was so happy 4th period when the 8th graders left and the high school kids came in.  In fact, when I found out 6th period at the beginning of the last group of 8th graders that they had an assembly, I almost cried from happiness.  I got them out of my hair for most of the period.  However, they made up for it in the 10 minutes I had them back in class at the end of the day.  The entire 10 minutes consisted of me telling them to sit down and shut up.  Do kids just forget how to listen in 8th grade?  One things for sure, if I ever do decide to teach full time, it won't be middle school. 

On a baby note, everybody noticed my belly today.  One of the adult faculty asked me when I'm due.  Students were asking me about the baby all day.  One even asked if she could touch my belly.  I said no.  That's just weird.  I think my stomach grew last night because no one asked me about being pregnant yesterday.  It's nice that people notice because it's the biggest part of my life right now and it's cool that people recognize it.  Also I was finally able to schedule my ultrasound so we can find out what we're having!  I have an appointment on the 25th, the day after our anniversary.  I can't wait!  I waiting almost 2 weeks for the office to call me to schedule the appointment.  But its cool... I'm not mad... I'm just glad I finally got the appointment. 

Today was an eventful day.  Thank god its over. 

Lent is like Christmas for our blog

In that our blog gets neglected as we both gradually stop writing and then Lent comes and it gets two new posts every day!

Unlike Kris, I won't be talking about becoming Catholic everyday because I already became Catholic... and then I stopped.  I'll probably end up talking about babies all the time since I currently have a little person growing inside me.  Or I'll talk about substitute teaching (aka glorified babysitting).  Those are the things happening in my life right now.  And then in a few weeks we'll have kittens and I can post things about their shenanigans.  Unfortunately Olive died a couple months ago and she has left a kitty shaped hole in my life. 

Anyway, I will be going to receive my ashes in less than an hour so that lent may officially begin.  Is it wrong to post my blog before I get my ashes?  I think it still counts. 

I feel really out of practice.  It has been way too long since I've written anything.  I'll try to make tomorrow more coherent.  It's hard to live up to Kris and her blog/ novel on the very first day.  WAY TO RUIN THE CURVE KRIS! 

Gettin' Down and Dirty

The time of Lent has come upon us again.

This year, as with last year, the only agreement that Angela and I have made is that "We are definitely doing a Lent blog" and "both of us had better contribute".  This leaves me pretty much in the same place that I was last year:  struggling to come up with an idea to write about for every day of the week, and in the middle of an endless supply of school work and real life obligations.  Last year, I chose to write a weekly piece about things that began with every letter of "LENT".  This year, I don't think I have the time to do that, and here's why.

As an added bonus to getting my teaching certification and my Master's degree, I've also decided to join RCIA and become Catholic.

I know.  I must be crazy.  With numerous other obligations and responsibilities, adding one more thing into this mix just seems insane.  But with five more weeks to go or so until I'm confirmed Catholic, I can say I don't regret doing this now.  The time just seems right.  So, I started thinking about what I could do for a Lent blog this year, with time constraints, and homework, and lesson planning and all that lovely stuff that goes along with getting a degree and becoming a certified instructor, the only thing I can think to write about which would be managable is my experience going through RCIA, culminating in Lent, my first confession, first communion, and eventually confirmation.  Last year, I avoided the topic of religion and politics as much as possible and wrote many a blog of how lame I was for having too much homework to write a blog, littered with appologies, and a sense that what I was doing wasn't really achieving anything or really in the spirit of a "Lent blog".  This year, I choose to write about my experiences in my new chosen faith.

You are warned, reader.


Ash Wednesday:

I've participated in Ash Wednesday services before, but never at a Catholic church.  I really didn't know what to expect.  Essentially, it was the same as mass except we went up to the altar twice instead of once.  Well, most people went up twice instead of once.  I chose to stay back during the Eucharist because there were a lot of people and I don't think I can take it yet anyway.  I had sort of an epiphany today, actually.  The entire service is about recognizing our condition as sinners and the need for a savior, the ashes reminding us of our imperfect nature.

When I was growing up in a Protestant church, I pretty much always felt alone with my sins.  I mean, the message doesn't really change about trying not to sin, but there's like this whole unspoken-ness about sins and sinning (at least in the church I grew up in, but I've heard similar things with other people I've talked to who are also Protestant).  I want to focus on my own experience here, because I certainly don't believe that all churches are like this, or that only Catholic churches are free of what I've gone through growing up.  But I digress.  So my experience from my youth:  sinning is a private matter between you and God; if you screw up, you pray about it and do better in the future.  Feel guilty about it?  Just keep preying.  Sure, you could talk to someone about it, but there's a pretty good chance it's going to end up all over the church if you do, so just be prepared for that.

I feel like I've grown up with this skewed idea of sinners and sins from my upbringing.  I personally have low self-esteem anyway, and I find I always put everyone else on this pedestal.  I constantly struggle with guilt, feelings of inadequacy, more guilt, and a fear of letting others see me as anything less than a morally upright young woman who never makes mistakes because God forbid that happen.  But today, as I'm sitting in a service reminding us that we're all sinners and inviting the entire congregation to come up and put ashes on their foreheads in acceptance of this fact, my mind was completely blown.  For the first time in all the years of my life going to church, I no longer feel inadequate, or worried that anyone else is going to find out I'm a sinner.  It's as if being a part of this experience, this acceptance of sin, this resolve to try to follow Christ and live a more righteous life has freed me from my old insecurities and perhaps to a degree, self-denial.  I also feel like I've taken the first steps towards trying to be less judgmental, we'll see how that goes.  One can only hope.

It's actually kind of remarkable how a little smudge on your forehead can really change you.

~Kritz

Topic Fail

Kris and I are failing at picking topics.  For some reason (maybe because I barely open my computer) I keep missing her.  We have not been communicating very well lately. 

Speaking of communication, I have realized recently that my subconscious is sabotaging my sleep.  These are the events as they happened exactly in order:

Me: *talking in my sleep* its so hot.  Baby, take my blanket.

John: *takes away my blanket*

Me: *wakes up shivering, looks around for my blanket* where's my blanket?

At this point John has no idea that I was asleep just moments ago so he hands me a sheet thinking I want a different blanket than the one I just had.  I get frustrated and say "no, my blanket" and he literally hands me every blanket except the one I want.  I can't understand why he's not giving me the one I just had because I just had it when I went to sleep and it couldn't possibly have gotten that far away from me.  Eventually I get the correct blanket back and fall asleep while John is left to process what the hell just happened.  We figured it out in the morning when he explained to me that I had asked him to take it away from me.  I guess I'm a very convincing sleep talker. 

I used to think it was cool that I talked in my sleep.  Now I'm not so sure. 

My New Glasses

It's funny when I was a kid, I was really glad I didn't need glasses cause I didn't want to look dorky and now that I'm an adult, I'm excited about getting glasses cause they make me look smart.  I'm hoping they'll make me feel smarter too... or at least make my professors feel like I'm smarter cause only smart people wear glasses.  No one else in the world wears glasses, only smart people.  It's because their brains are so overloaded with genius, their eyes can't be bothered to work correctly.  It's the same reason geniuses are extremely messy.  When you're busy solving the worlds problems, who has time to pick up dirty clothes?  And it works out great cause I could just take my glasses off and not see the mess. 

My eyes are still adjusting to being able to see correctly.  I can see things more clearly but my head feels a little dizzy with the adjustment.  They said it would take about a week to get used to them. 

Speaking of which, there's a cruel poster inside of IHOP.  Right after we picked up the glasses, we went to IHOP for breakfast and there's a poster inside of three coffee cups, all of which are painted to look blurry.  It's like they want people to think they're going blind. 

Anyway, here's a picture so you can recognize me with my glasses on. 

Me becoming smarter

Names

Today I decided to start working on a short story.  Now I'm hung up on names.  Name hunting has always been the hardest part of story telling for me.  I want the name to be unique but not so unique that people look at it and go "ew".  Its also nice if it has that special meaning that fits the character just right.  In this case, I'm trying to name two brothers so I also have to keep in mind that the same person would have named them both so I couldn't name one of them Mike and the other Agathangelos.  Unless of course I had the mom die in childbirth and the crazy cape wearing uncle had to name him.  That's a whole story I don't even have time to write about. 

Maybe I'll go play Diablo instead.