Napa Adventure

It's Tuesday!  And I'm blogging on Tuesday!  I thought about waiting until back-up day because I have chores to catch up on but I decided to not be lazy.  It's not like I'm gonna be constantly cleaning all day.  Although sometimes when I start cleaning things, it turns into a frenzy.  That's because I run on inertia.  Man, if I just never stop moving, think of all I could accomplish.

Anyway, John and I went to Bottlerock on Sunday.  It was my first festival ever!  Although it did feel similar to being at the fair just with better music.  And no rides.  We got to see Mumford and Sons!  They put on a great show.  It was totally worth the hours of standing.  Then when it was over, everyone left at once.  We all walked down the street like some kind of traffic flash mob.  It looked insane.  Luckily we parked far enough away that we avoided all that nonsense.  We only hit one slow down on our way out.  It was a lot of fun but I don't know if I would do it again.  It was so crowded.  There would have to be a band I REALLY wanted to see and I don't know if that band exists.  Yet.

I kinda feel the same as when we went to Vegas.  Like, it was fun but I can't imagine ever wanting to go back.  I like visiting places with less people and more trees.  Or waves.  I haven't been to the ocean in a while. 

This was one of the only normal pictures cause John kept making faces

TV Rambles

I ended up skipping last week.  It wasn't completely intentional but I didn't try very hard.  I had planned to blog on back-up day because I was babysitting on Tuesday.  And then Thursday rolled around and I was just cranky and moody.  I think.  I just remember my reason was only semi-legit.  Bishops going to be out of school in a few weeks, maybe I'll use that to do a make up blog. 

Brandi and I went to a concert this weekend.  We saw the Strumbellas.  They were amazing!  It was a nice opportunity to cut loose after being traumatized by Game of Thrones last week.  I'm pretty sure that's the only show that has a real effect on my life in terms of needing recovery time.  Although I was pretty traumatized by The Ring in high school.  But that was a movie, so my point stands.  I'm way too sensitive to watch horror movies.  Sometimes I'm way too sensitive for normal people in everyday life.  It's kind of embarrassing.  I'm very thankful to be married to an extrovert.  This is the whole reason opposites attract.  All of our dumb qualities are balanced out by the others strengths. 

So we did the concert on Saturday.  Then Sunday we watched the last episode ever of Game of Thrones.  It was a lot less traumatizing.  It was okay.  Not entirely satisfying but it does make me want to get back into the books for the rest of the story.  I finished book one a while back.  Now I'm slowly making my way through Les Miserables.  It's 1,000 pages but I am determined to get through it.  I just finished the PBS mini-series.  It is not a musical but all the songs are stuck in my head now anyway.  The mini-series was really good.  Now I need something new to watch in the morning.  I have to find the sweet spot of shows that I like but that John doesn't care about watching.  Maybe I'll get into Downton Abbey. 

This is what happens when I don't plan ahead.  I end up rambling about TV shows. 

Healing Music

I totally forgot to post on Tuesday.  I wanted to go pick up my piggy bank that I painted and then Marshall and I ended up having lunch in the shopping center.  Then when I got home, my brain was preoccupied with what I was going to cook for dinner because I decided I was going to cook every Tuesday.  John is our family chef because he loves cooking but he needs a day off.  So instead of waiting for him to tell me when he needs a break, I decided to pick a night to cook because I'm not great at spur of the moment tasks.  I need time to prepare and know what I'm doing.  We had nachos.  They were tasty. 

Last week I talked about some very emotional stuff.  Today I want to share some of the music that helped me through some of that struggle.  Music is very healing and has a way of calming my soul like nothing else can. 

The first song is by the Avett Brothers called "No Hard Feelings".  It's all about wondering what might happen when we die.  The song is just a big question with no answers but is very calm and peaceful.  It reminds me that we all have these questions and we all wonder but it doesn't have to be upsetting.  It helps me to live calmly with the question.  Here is a video of the song from a movie about the Avett Brothers "May It Last". 

 

 The second song is called "Deep Water" by American Authors.  This song is more about personal struggle and it really speaks to how I process turbulence in my life.  The song talks about how "it comes and goes in waves.  It always rolls back but it's never quite the same".  Every struggle turns my life upside down in some way and when it's over, things return to normal but I'm changed.  Sometimes I feel worse and most of the time I feel better.  It's a reminder that the struggle is part of the happiness.  I know I wouldn't be happy without my struggle.  It has led me to the most interesting parts of my life.  Here's the audio for "Deep Water".  

 

So those are my songs and that's it for this week.  Hopefully I won't forget to post next week.  But if I do, I'll keep Thursday as my back up day. 

My Reminders

I recently started an art project to put on my wall next to my bed where I can see it everyday.  It will have messages that I've received from God in this past year with room to add new messages in the future.  That way when I receive an important message, I can be sure that I won't forget.  Below I will list the messages and why I needed to hear them.  But before I start, I just want to acknowledge that my whole heart is in this post and this will not be easy to write. 

Here is the beginning of my project:

On separate papers will be my 3 reminders as follows.

1. You are not God. 

Last year I was in spiritual turmoil.  It all started with prayer.  I noticed that I wasn't praying very much and my spirit felt like it was asleep.  I asked myself why I wasn't praying and I realized I didn't trust God.  And then I probed deeper and realized I didn't trust that God was real.  I felt that no one was listening so I stopped trying to connect.  When I realized what I felt, I said a prayer to God.  I wanted to know the truth.  I said "I don't want to be comforted, I want to know the truth."  That lead to me questioning everything about life.  I asked all the scary questions that I usually try to push aside and not think about like "what happens to us when we die?"  I tried to bravely face the truth but I just kept getting more scared.  One night, I was laying in bed unable to move or talk just feeling the weight of the universe on my tiny little shoulders.  One day I walked Bishop to school and just stared at all the objects and plants and people and life happening around me like they were alien.  I was shaken to my core. 

I slowly began to make peace with my fear and found a way to continue existing.  Then I received a message "You are not God".  Even if God does not exist, it is not me.  I can't change anything by worrying and being afraid.  Me worrying about bad things that might happen will not make it so.  There IS a truth and none of us know what it is.  Trying to carry the weight of the universe will not change the truth of it. 

I do believe in God.  I have seen love and I know that it's real and I believe that love comes from somewhere.  My goal in this life is to spread that love as much as I can. 


2. You may... or you may not. 

Some of you may know I've been doing quite a bit of personality work lately.  This is the message that made all that work click and fall into place.  I've been learning about all my negative tendencies and have been thinking about ways to overcome those.  The problem is feeling that there are things I SHOULD be doing.  I feel bad because I have a number of artistic projects that I've started and never finished and I see that pattern and feel like I won't be able to break out of it.  When I think I SHOULD be doing something, it makes me feel like I've already failed in some way.  When I heard the words "you may... or you may not" it took all the shame out of the process.  I hear it like "you have permission to use your gifts, you can create something with them, it doesn't matter what you haven't done in the past".  Now I just feel ready to go.  And ready to post this blog that I've been thinking about posting for months.  I may post it and I may not.  I've decided that I may. 


3. Do Justice. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly.

Some of you may recognize this as a bible verse.  It's one that gives me hope and courage.  It also reminds me of my mom because there's a song written around this verse that she used to play in church.  My mom was the first person who taught me how to be Christian. 


Whew.  This is me.  My heart is on this page.  And I hope the holy spirit as well. 

Post-break

Easter break was 2 weeks long.  Now it's over so I'm back.  I had to get used to having Bishop home all the time.  We both got tired of him being home.  Last week, he asked me when school was starting.  He was so happy to go back today.  Now I've got a month and a half before he's off for the summer.  It's gonna be interesting.  Then I'll have a first grader!  Then after that, he'll be going off to college!

My brain is like an avalanche, I can't help it.  As I was exiting my 20s, I kept thinking "OMG I'm gonna be 30, I'm basically gonna die tomorrow!"  Sometimes I can't help but live in the future.  But now that I'm in my 30s, I'm starting to forget how old I am.  Maybe that's my brains form of self defensive.  "You're getting older.  How old?  I don't know at least 30.  That's not so bad is it?".  Then I wander off and do something childish like coloring or something crazy like having a conversation with the cat.  She's wise.  She's been through some stuff.  Also she's biting me a lot less.  I think she likes me.  Or maybe she's just filling me with a false sense of security so she can strike harder.  Cats are evil like that.  But also they're angels.  Just not when they're being evil. 

Also today is my BFFFFFF's birthday!  Happy Birthday Brandi!  You're the greatest and the cutest.  

Kittens and babies

I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it here this Tuesday.  I already made tentative plans to do a make up blog on Wednesday because I'm baby sitting today.  But it's cool because John came home early so now it's a joint effort.  And I have time to blog.  You would think it would be super easy for me to watch babies because I had 2 already but it's different when it's someone else's baby.  We don't understand each other because I don't spend all day with him.  So a lot of my time is just trying to figure out what he's telling me.  Also my baby carrying muscles are weak because Marshall doesn't want to be held all the time.  As soon as he receives his comfort, he wants down and he's off playing again. 

So we got a cat!  Her name is Janet.  Marshall calls her "Jammit" which is adorably hilarious.  I named her after Janet Snakehole, April Ludgates alter ego from Parks and Recreation.  She wears all black and she's a "very rich widow with a terrible secret".  So Janet is all black and she's very adorable.  She slept in our bed the first night she was here.  When I laid down, she was already under my covers.  I'm so glad we have her!  I feel like we needed a cat.  Marshall especially needed one.  He needs to be around his own kind.  Cause he's actually a kitten. 

The kids watching TV with 'Jammit'

Reminiscing

Do you ever remember something small and suddenly feel transported into your past?  Like you just suddenly remember what it felt like to be there in that moment?  And it's weird because my whole life was completely different; it's almost like I was a different person.  And then I try to remember what it felt like to be that person.  It was confusing but also a lot more carefree. 

I was thinking of one of those rare times when I was able to let loose and all my crazy came out.  It was at a slumber party in middle school.  I didn't know most of the people there which is what made it rare.  Usually I have to be an absurd amount of comfortable before I would even think of letting my crazy out.  But every once in a while, there would be a perfect storm of circumstance and it was like a switch went off in my brain and I just didn't care what I was saying or doing and my self consciousness went on vacation or something.  Kind of like when I get drunk but I wasn't a delinquent so that didn't happen until after high school. 

Anyway, I was just thinking what if one of those girls saw me later in school and just expected me to be this crazy eccentric extrovert and then they literally never heard me talk again?  That's a thought that's literally never crossed my mind until now.  It's weird to think about how with the crazy amount of self conscious I was, I actually didn't spend much time wondering what people thought about me or what kind of impression I made.  In high school, people often told me they thought I hated them at first and I'm pretty sure my first thought was "omg, they know I exist".  Its like my self consciousness only lives in the present.  After that, it's got other things to worry about.  Unless I embarrassed myself, then it thinks it's important to constantly remind me.  But if I'm just silent through an interaction, I never think "I wonder if they think I'm quiet and weird and hate them" which I'm pretty sure is what people actually think of me.  This is why I married John.  He's the public face of our marriage.  My PR guy. 

Last Week My Head Tried to Kill Me

I had to skip blogging last week.  Although technically I didn't break my own rule because Bishop stayed home sick that day.  But I would have broken it because I had a migraine that was trying to destroy me from the inside and I couldn't look at screens without making the migraine mad.  It went away on Wednesday but it took almost a full week to fully recover.  Now I have "migraine hangover" in my search history and some mild PTSD.  I feel really sorry for whoever has to live with those on a regular basis.  And I really hope mine don't become a regular thing.  Not fun. 

And now my little smarty-pants Bishop is reading over my shoulder.  Nothing is safe anymore!  Although I usually blog when he's at school.  I wish I could say I have an awesome excuse but the truth is I was just being lazy.  I blame the migraine hangover.  The one that's pretty much gone. 

Bishops spring break is in a few weeks.  He gets 2 whole weeks so I guess I won't be blogging for a bit.  Maybe I'll work on my other writing project.  It's entirely in my head right now.  That's where most of my ideas stay.  Unless it's a crafting idea, then there's a 90% chance I have most of the materials sitting in my bedroom next to some half finished stuff. 

Anyway... here's Bishop with a mustache.  It was for school.  

My Hat

Yesterday was crazy hat day at Bishops school.  Since he doesn't really have any hats, I let him wear mine.  Marshall got super jealous and started crying as we left.  Bishop let him wear it during the walk to school.  That made everyone happy.  

Sometimes he's super considerate like that and I didn't even have to ask him.  Or subtly hint.  He made that decision all on his own.  

I wish that was the end of the story.  My hat came home broken.  I mean I'm not that surprised.  I did send it to school with a 5 year old.  He told his teacher I could sew it back.  So it should be fixed in about 6 months.  It took me months to fix a button on Johns shirt.  And it was his favorite shirt too.  But the penguin hat is mine and no one is waiting on me to fix it so it'll probably never get done.  But it's okay.  I have another penguin hat somewhere.  

The moral of this story is: always have a back up penguin hat.  You never know when you might need it. 

It's an anti-blogging conspiracy

The universe doesn't want me to blog today.  Usually I sit down to write in the 9 o'clock hour but I was being lazy because I've been sick.  So sat down to write in the 3 o'clock hour.  That's my back-up blogging time because Marshall is napping and Bishop is usually playing video games if he didn't get in trouble that day.  I turned my computer on and it decided to do a lengthy update that took, and I'm not exaggerating, a full hour!  By the time it was done, nap time was over and both boys were crying at me because they weren't getting their snack the split second they wanted it.  So now it's approaching 6 o'clock which is a terrible time for blogging because I have, no joke, stood up at least 3 times to mediate squabbles while typing this paragraph.  This is most high energy time of day and I need some semblance of quiet to concentrate on writing.  Now all I can think about is how annoying my kids are being and not any real topics.  This is why parent bloggers only talk about their kids.  It's hard to think about anything else. 

Marshall is 3 now!  Just like last birthday, he wasn't very happy about it.  Every time someone told him he was turning 3, he shook his head no.  Then when we sang him happy birthday, he walked into the other room right in the middle of the song.  I guess that's an improvement from last year when he started crying.  He's definitely an introvert.  The evidence continues to mount.  I'll just have to teach him everything I know.  I should probably get him a cat to bond with.  That's introversion 101: cats are your best friend. 

Anyway, I'm gonna wrap this up.  There's a constant stream of chatter coming from my right side.  Zero guesses which one it is.  It's Bishop. 

Hype Man

I didn't blog last week.  I was depressed.  But now the cloud has passed and I'm feeling like myself again, except for a minor cold.  That's almost gone too.  I told John about the depressing thoughts I was having and he agreed that those thoughts were, in fact, depressing and that made me feel a little better.  Sharing always helps even if the problems don't get solved.  It's nice to know that other people worry about the same stuff I do.  We're all in this together. 

Marshall has been getting better at talking.  It's adorable and sometimes confusing because he's so confident about what he wants to say but I have no idea what it is.  He's also recently started a very annoying habit.  Mumbling.  Honestly I can't believe I didn't see it coming.  He acts so much like me and my primary form of communication used to be mumbling.  I managed to break that habit when I started dating John because he's 30% deaf.  Hopefully this habit doesn't stick around.  Maybe having a deaf father and a loud brother will break him out of it early.  If not, I'll probably have to translate for him for the rest of my life.  So far, I speak Marshall the best.  Or maybe Bishop speaks it better than me.  He never seems to have an issue.  Also I'm pretty sure Marshall learns most of his words from Bishop.  He's a little echo.  Or back up singer.  He's everybody's hype man. 

Sometimes you just need a new perspective

Tuesday?

It's Tuesday and I feel totally uninspired.  I had to pay bills today and on top of that, I started doing taxes as well so all of my creativity burrowed deep inside me to hide like a.... naked mole rat?  I don't really know what those are but I assume they burrow into the ground.  And that's where my creativity went: deep into the dark places of my brain while the irritated business number crunchers marched out of the prison cell I keep them in to preserve my sanity.  The prison is guarded by glow sticks and rave music.  And soft fluffy kittens.  Everything number crunchers hate so they stay in their cell. 

And now the tiny bit of creativity that I managed to squeeze out for that metaphor has been interrupted by a 5 year old who doesn't know how to do time out.  Ugh.  I give up.