I recently started an art project to put on my wall next to my bed where I can see it everyday. It will have messages that I've received from God in this past year with room to add new messages in the future. That way when I receive an important message, I can be sure that I won't forget. Below I will list the messages and why I needed to hear them. But before I start, I just want to acknowledge that my whole heart is in this post and this will not be easy to write.
Here is the beginning of my project:
On separate papers will be my 3 reminders as follows.
1. You are not God.
Last year I was in spiritual turmoil. It all started with prayer. I noticed that I wasn't praying very much and my spirit felt like it was asleep. I asked myself why I wasn't praying and I realized I didn't trust God. And then I probed deeper and realized I didn't trust that God was real. I felt that no one was listening so I stopped trying to connect. When I realized what I felt, I said a prayer to God. I wanted to know the truth. I said "I don't want to be comforted, I want to know the truth." That lead to me questioning everything about life. I asked all the scary questions that I usually try to push aside and not think about like "what happens to us when we die?" I tried to bravely face the truth but I just kept getting more scared. One night, I was laying in bed unable to move or talk just feeling the weight of the universe on my tiny little shoulders. One day I walked Bishop to school and just stared at all the objects and plants and people and life happening around me like they were alien. I was shaken to my core.
I slowly began to make peace with my fear and found a way to continue existing. Then I received a message "You are not God". Even if God does not exist, it is not me. I can't change anything by worrying and being afraid. Me worrying about bad things that might happen will not make it so. There IS a truth and none of us know what it is. Trying to carry the weight of the universe will not change the truth of it.
I do believe in God. I have seen love and I know that it's real and I believe that love comes from somewhere. My goal in this life is to spread that love as much as I can.
2. You may... or you may not.
Some of you may know I've been doing quite a bit of personality work lately. This is the message that made all that work click and fall into place. I've been learning about all my negative tendencies and have been thinking about ways to overcome those. The problem is feeling that there are things I SHOULD be doing. I feel bad because I have a number of artistic projects that I've started and never finished and I see that pattern and feel like I won't be able to break out of it. When I think I SHOULD be doing something, it makes me feel like I've already failed in some way. When I heard the words "you may... or you may not" it took all the shame out of the process. I hear it like "you have permission to use your gifts, you can create something with them, it doesn't matter what you haven't done in the past". Now I just feel ready to go. And ready to post this blog that I've been thinking about posting for months. I may post it and I may not. I've decided that I may.
3. Do Justice. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly.
Some of you may recognize this as a bible verse. It's one that gives me hope and courage. It also reminds me of my mom because there's a song written around this verse that she used to play in church. My mom was the first person who taught me how to be Christian.
Whew. This is me. My heart is on this page. And I hope the holy spirit as well.
Here is the beginning of my project:
On separate papers will be my 3 reminders as follows.
1. You are not God.
Last year I was in spiritual turmoil. It all started with prayer. I noticed that I wasn't praying very much and my spirit felt like it was asleep. I asked myself why I wasn't praying and I realized I didn't trust God. And then I probed deeper and realized I didn't trust that God was real. I felt that no one was listening so I stopped trying to connect. When I realized what I felt, I said a prayer to God. I wanted to know the truth. I said "I don't want to be comforted, I want to know the truth." That lead to me questioning everything about life. I asked all the scary questions that I usually try to push aside and not think about like "what happens to us when we die?" I tried to bravely face the truth but I just kept getting more scared. One night, I was laying in bed unable to move or talk just feeling the weight of the universe on my tiny little shoulders. One day I walked Bishop to school and just stared at all the objects and plants and people and life happening around me like they were alien. I was shaken to my core.
I slowly began to make peace with my fear and found a way to continue existing. Then I received a message "You are not God". Even if God does not exist, it is not me. I can't change anything by worrying and being afraid. Me worrying about bad things that might happen will not make it so. There IS a truth and none of us know what it is. Trying to carry the weight of the universe will not change the truth of it.
I do believe in God. I have seen love and I know that it's real and I believe that love comes from somewhere. My goal in this life is to spread that love as much as I can.
2. You may... or you may not.
Some of you may know I've been doing quite a bit of personality work lately. This is the message that made all that work click and fall into place. I've been learning about all my negative tendencies and have been thinking about ways to overcome those. The problem is feeling that there are things I SHOULD be doing. I feel bad because I have a number of artistic projects that I've started and never finished and I see that pattern and feel like I won't be able to break out of it. When I think I SHOULD be doing something, it makes me feel like I've already failed in some way. When I heard the words "you may... or you may not" it took all the shame out of the process. I hear it like "you have permission to use your gifts, you can create something with them, it doesn't matter what you haven't done in the past". Now I just feel ready to go. And ready to post this blog that I've been thinking about posting for months. I may post it and I may not. I've decided that I may.
3. Do Justice. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly.
Some of you may recognize this as a bible verse. It's one that gives me hope and courage. It also reminds me of my mom because there's a song written around this verse that she used to play in church. My mom was the first person who taught me how to be Christian.
Whew. This is me. My heart is on this page. And I hope the holy spirit as well.
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