On Hold

I think I'm gonna take a break from weekly blogging.  My original thought was that weekly blogging would keep me in the habit of writing so I would be inspired to write more.  But it's not really working that way.  I want to try using this time to write a story that's been developing in my head.  And also craft time.  I've had the crafts ready for like a year and done almost nothing with them. 

Maybe I'll come back to it in a few months.  I just want to see if freeing up my time and brain power will make any difference.  I've already gotten into the habit of using this time for writing so hopefully I can transfer that habit to other stuff. 

I'll probably update randomly if I have anything to actually write about. 

Communicating

I've been thinking about how I communicate lately.  I feel like my default style is all business.  Like someone initiates a conversation with me and my brain goes "okay, what information do they want and what is the quickest possible way I can give it to them?"  I noticed it more since texting became my main form of communication because it leaves less room for improvisation.  If I want to have a friendlier conversation, I have to force myself to go past the mechanics and say something that's not transaction based. 

The better I know someone, the less I do it but it can be hard to get over that threshold.  I'm tempted to say "I wish I was different" but I really don't.  If I change one thing about myself, my whole personality would probably be different.  And if I didn't struggle with this one thing, I would probably struggle with other things.  Like talking too much and accidentally saying something embarrassing.  I've been told by my extrovert friends/ spouse that this is a common problem.  So instead of wishing I was different, I try to learn from those who are.  That's why I married an extrovert.  He does not over think what he wants to say to people.  I've gotten a little better of doing that in person but it's hard to not go straight to the point in texts. 

I guess I could solve that by talking to people on the phone but calling someone on the phone is a literal nightmare.  If I have to call someone on the phone, I spend at least 10 minutes stressing out before I hit the call button.  And then I survive and feel stupid when it's over.  But that doesn't stop me from freaking out every time.  Brains are weird. 

Faking it

On Tuesday I sat down to write my blog (like a consistent person who has their shit together) but then my brain was completely hijacked by financial issues.  Don't worry, we're fine.  We're just planning an expensive vacation.  I just get really uncomfortable spending large amounts of money and it pushed my brain away from writing.  That is why I'm writing BEFORE I pay bills.  That way I can get the creative stuff out of my brain before the numbers kill all of it! 

Marshall is trying to drag me away to look at glow-in-the-dark dinosaur fossils.  We've had this book since before he was born but he's acting like it's completely new to me.  It's like that scene in Parks and Rec when Andy gets 1,000 one dollar bills from the bank and asks the teller if she's ever seen so much money.  Her response is "yeah... I just handed it to you."  I think about that scene every day.  My kids are often acting like I should be super impressed with things I just gave them.  It's a good thing kids don't understand sarcasm because I'm pretty sure most of excitement sounds super sarcastic.  I mean I'm not being a dick on purpose but faking emotions isn't easy. 

Alright, I need to go kill my brain with some numbers. 

Kitten Trees

It's been an eventful week already.  I have a fresh tattoo and I'm on my period!  Sometimes I use exclamation points to talk about awful things because it tricks my brain into thinking bleeding is a fun activity.  If you've never gotten a tattoo while on your period, just know, it's not very fun.  I mean... it was slightly worse than getting a regular tattoo but the aftercare is annoying because I have 2 things to deal with.  I guess it'll be better in the long run cause both of them will be over in a matter of days.  Then I can enjoy the beautiful art for the rest of my life!  And I get bleed all over again next month!  Being a woman is super fun. 

Side note, Marshall is bugging me to watch cat videos on my computer now.  I blame Brandi for tagging me in a video about a tree full of cats.  There weren't even any directions on how to get to the tree.  Just a bunch of adorable felines going "look at how cute we are, don't you wish you could pet us? TOO BAD".  I guess I'll just have to grow my own cat tree.  Then I can post a video of it online and not let anybody come over and pet my cats.  BAM KITTEN THERAPY!  My blog has come full circle from last week.  I could use my kittens to help with my period pains and soreness from future tattoos that I'm gonna get.  I heard that tattoos are addicting but really I think it just seems that way cause it's not like you can get all the tattoos you want overnight.  It takes time so that might seem like an addiction.  I guess you could get them all at once but that would be very expensive.  And painful.  And take A LOT of planning.  I'm not great at planning things and that's the only thing stopping me from doing it.  Part of the planning would involve renting like 50 kittens for my pain management.  I only have one cat so I have to scale back on the pain level accordingly. 

Here's a part of my tattoo.  It took me 4 pictures to get the whole thing and I don't want to post them all.  You'll just have to talk to me to see the whole thing.  I mean unless I'm wearing a sweater and fall is here so that is very likely. 

They're cosmic roses!

Conflict and Kittens

You know what's super fun?  Trying to think of stuff to talk about on my blog while my mind is occupied with subjects I can't talk about in a public space.  I mean I guess I could but it might piss off a few people.  As anyone who has been paying attention knows, I'm super into creating conflict and getting into arguments.  It's basically a hobby. 

I read somewhere that kids can't understand sarcasm until they're like 10 years old.  I was thinking about this last night when John said something super sarcastic to Bishop and I watched it go way over his little head.  I was kinda funny. 

Also I legit do enjoy picking fights and arguing about nothing but it has to be with someone I'm VERY comfortable with and they always understand that I'm joking.  Having a nothing fight is like a hobby in our marriage.  And I think it has sharpened my debate skills.  Although I don't think a lot of my logic would be permissible in a formal debate.  There's a lot of problems I would solve with kitten therapy.  That would only work for a small number of issues.  Like healthcare.  Did you know cat purring has healing properties?  And who purrs the loudest?  Kittens.  We should be getting kittens into every ER like right now.  We would save so much money on surgeons. 

Not Sorry

Here's something I'm trying to stop doing: being apologetic.  My first instinct when I started this post was to say "sorry I missed last week" but you know what?  I'm not sorry.  I was legit busy doing super important life stuff that I don't regret.  It's not something I want to talk about now but I might eventually. 

Also a few days ago, I took a really cute picture of myself that I wanted to share.  My first impulse was to be snarky or cute about why I was posting a picture of myself which I think a lot of people do.  Instead I examined my intentions and just decided to be honest.  I was feeling cute and I wanted to share it.  I'm just scared that I'll come off as vain if I post a picture of myself for no reason that I have to remind myself that it's okay to show off once in a while.  I show my kids off enough cause they're adorable, I might as well show myself off when I feel adorable! 

I'm trying to work on my negative Enneagram 9 tendencies.  My default is to think I don't have much of value to contribute so I kind of blend into the background.  So I'm trying to be present and be myself and not assume other people know life better than me.  I always assume others have more authority.  That might be true sometimes but it doesn't mean I have zero.  I think becoming a parent has really helped me to understand that.  When I have to advocate for others, it helped me see how much power I have out in the world. 

And with my new authority, I will BRING THIS POST TO A CLOSE.  Go home now.  It's over. 

Desk Adventures

Our family is growing up so we've been making some changes around the apartment.  Yesterday I built Bishops new Ikea desk! 

 

It took a few hours and I was pretty exhausted at the end of the day.  But now Bishop has a new homework/ study area!  He's gonna need it for that giant brain of his.  Also....

I can use it as my new blogging space!  There's way less distractions in here.  Marshall is in the living room watching Daniel Tiger while I'm writing. 

Now I just need to organize their book shelf so they can reach all the books they need.  Before the kids would climb on top of the changing table to reach everything.  I placed the desk a few feet away from the bookcase so they don't try to stand on it.  I want this desk to make it to high school at least. 

Janet settled right in.  She didn't even touch the cat bed I bought for her.  Cats are assholes.  That's why they're super cute so we'll put up with their BS.  Just like kids. 

Future Giant

I started my genre short stories last week.  Unfortunately I started with a genre that's not blog appropriate so I can't post it.  I wanted to start with something I could actually show people but my brain was stuck on "I wonder if I could write a romance novel...".   The answer is I don't know because I didn't finish it. 

I think my next story will be in the horror genre.  I think I'd be good at writing horror because everything scares me.  Or maybe I'd be terrible at it because everything scares me.  I'll guess I'll have to try it to figure it out. 

Now that Bishop is in 1st grade, he has PE in school.  His shoes were starting to fall apart so I took him shopping this weekend.  He now has a size 2.  I'm scared for our future food budget.  He already eats like a garbage disposal.  Last night he ate my salmon skin that I didn't want and the rest of Marshall's dinner.  This morning he made himself a sandwich with honey and sprinkles.  He got in trouble for that one and he said it wasn't worth it cause it tasted disgusting.  That's a win-win for me.  It would be awesome if all his misbehavior turned out that badly for him.  That's the dream. 

Of course the downside is now I have to deal with a Bishop who can't play video games.  I'm gonna have to come up with some creative ways for him to earn it back.  Maybe this will a good opportunity to stop all the bickering.  

Conflict

Summer break is over!  I'm so glad it's only 2 months.  I don't know how much more of it I could handle.  Bishop and Marshall's new favorite activity is fighting about everything.  Sometimes they fight for fun, sometimes Marshall makes Bishop mad on purpose and vice versa, and sometimes they're legit mad at each other for reasons that are very hard to figure out.  It's nice that they are now separated 6 hours a day so they have less opportunity to fight and they seem to like each other more when they are together.  I also have more energy now.  I cleaned the whole kitchen on Bishops first day back.  It was super clean for like half a day.  Now I just need to do the whole rest of the apartment! 

The most exciting thing we did this summer was go see Hugh Jackman Live!  It was a great show and you could tell he was having a lot of fun doing it.  We were planning that trip for 9 months.  Everything went smoothly and we went to Santa Cruz the next day because my parents offered to keep the kids an extra day.  So the kids got to bond with Grandma and Grandpa and we got to live like we were dating again.  It was like time travel but better cause we appreciated our time more.  Also it's nice to have an opportunity to miss our kids because we appreciate them more too. 

I've been thinking about what kind of stories I want to write and I might start posting some short stories on this blog.  I tend to think too big scale but I should really start with some small stuff.  I want to try writing at least one story in every genre.  I think that would be a fun exercise. 

Week One

I'm still alive.  I haven't had ANY wine yet.  Who could have predicted that?  I think in anticipation of losing my mind, I was able to plan my days carefully so I haven't gone crazy yet.  I noticed the first days of this week are supposed to be up in the 100s so I took the kids outside early in the day.  It's actually nice to hang outside when it's still 75 out while I sip my coffee and watch the kids play.  I brought a towel and just chilled on the grass.  I might keep doing it even when it's not going to be super hot out. 

Also the summer is still young.  There's still plenty of time to go crazy.  I'm not trying to say 2.5 days of sanity equals success.  My kids fight for fun now so it's only a matter of time before my patience wears thin. 

I have started working on my other writing exercises.  I was inspired by listening to a stand-up routine and now I have 4 almost fully fleshed out characters.  I've been working on it every day for almost a week now.  Maybe it'll actually turn into something this time.  It feels a lot more doable than most of my past ideas.  I'm feeling hopeful.  And a lot more day-dreamy than usual.  I think that's a good sign.  So best case scenario: I'll have a rough draft by the end of the summer.  Worst case: I'll never finish it and forget it ever happened.  Hopefully I'll end up somewhere in between. 

So I'm taking a few months off.  I'll be back in August! 

Summer Break

Yes, I'm blogging on back-up day again.  I made a rookie mistake on Tuesday.  I got out my computer with a plan to pay bills and then blog.  That never works.  Paying bills always sucks all the creativity out of my body.  It's basically like salting the ground in my brain.  I could have tried to reset and blog later in the day but I had too much stuff to do.  So that bring me to today!  And it just happens to be Bishops last day of school.  They had their official end of Kindergarten ceremony yesterday.  I'm pretty sure today is just one giant party.  Now I have to figure out what to do with Bishop all summer.  Thank God it's only 2 months. 

It's probably a good thing I'm not blogging while he's out of school.  My writing would just be a slow spiral into insanity.  That may sound entertaining but.... no it'll probably be entertaining.  Or boring if I adjust quickly.  I expect to go through significantly more wine than usual.  That may sound alarming but my usual rate is one bottle every 2-3 months.  So I'll probably get up to one per week.  It's not even about being prude, my tummy just can't handle a lot of alcohol.  Most of my diet is planned around not getting a tummy ache.  Maybe I should be eating more tums.  I am over 30, it should be part of my diet now.  Then I can drink as much as I want!  That's how it works right? 

So I guess I'll let everyone know how it's going next week when I do my make-up blog.  After that, I'm gonna peace out until August.  Maybe I'll work on some private writing stuff.  I've been meaning to do that along with blogging but, since there's no accountability, it kinda got pushed aside. 

Napa Adventure

It's Tuesday!  And I'm blogging on Tuesday!  I thought about waiting until back-up day because I have chores to catch up on but I decided to not be lazy.  It's not like I'm gonna be constantly cleaning all day.  Although sometimes when I start cleaning things, it turns into a frenzy.  That's because I run on inertia.  Man, if I just never stop moving, think of all I could accomplish.

Anyway, John and I went to Bottlerock on Sunday.  It was my first festival ever!  Although it did feel similar to being at the fair just with better music.  And no rides.  We got to see Mumford and Sons!  They put on a great show.  It was totally worth the hours of standing.  Then when it was over, everyone left at once.  We all walked down the street like some kind of traffic flash mob.  It looked insane.  Luckily we parked far enough away that we avoided all that nonsense.  We only hit one slow down on our way out.  It was a lot of fun but I don't know if I would do it again.  It was so crowded.  There would have to be a band I REALLY wanted to see and I don't know if that band exists.  Yet.

I kinda feel the same as when we went to Vegas.  Like, it was fun but I can't imagine ever wanting to go back.  I like visiting places with less people and more trees.  Or waves.  I haven't been to the ocean in a while. 

This was one of the only normal pictures cause John kept making faces

TV Rambles

I ended up skipping last week.  It wasn't completely intentional but I didn't try very hard.  I had planned to blog on back-up day because I was babysitting on Tuesday.  And then Thursday rolled around and I was just cranky and moody.  I think.  I just remember my reason was only semi-legit.  Bishops going to be out of school in a few weeks, maybe I'll use that to do a make up blog. 

Brandi and I went to a concert this weekend.  We saw the Strumbellas.  They were amazing!  It was a nice opportunity to cut loose after being traumatized by Game of Thrones last week.  I'm pretty sure that's the only show that has a real effect on my life in terms of needing recovery time.  Although I was pretty traumatized by The Ring in high school.  But that was a movie, so my point stands.  I'm way too sensitive to watch horror movies.  Sometimes I'm way too sensitive for normal people in everyday life.  It's kind of embarrassing.  I'm very thankful to be married to an extrovert.  This is the whole reason opposites attract.  All of our dumb qualities are balanced out by the others strengths. 

So we did the concert on Saturday.  Then Sunday we watched the last episode ever of Game of Thrones.  It was a lot less traumatizing.  It was okay.  Not entirely satisfying but it does make me want to get back into the books for the rest of the story.  I finished book one a while back.  Now I'm slowly making my way through Les Miserables.  It's 1,000 pages but I am determined to get through it.  I just finished the PBS mini-series.  It is not a musical but all the songs are stuck in my head now anyway.  The mini-series was really good.  Now I need something new to watch in the morning.  I have to find the sweet spot of shows that I like but that John doesn't care about watching.  Maybe I'll get into Downton Abbey. 

This is what happens when I don't plan ahead.  I end up rambling about TV shows. 

Healing Music

I totally forgot to post on Tuesday.  I wanted to go pick up my piggy bank that I painted and then Marshall and I ended up having lunch in the shopping center.  Then when I got home, my brain was preoccupied with what I was going to cook for dinner because I decided I was going to cook every Tuesday.  John is our family chef because he loves cooking but he needs a day off.  So instead of waiting for him to tell me when he needs a break, I decided to pick a night to cook because I'm not great at spur of the moment tasks.  I need time to prepare and know what I'm doing.  We had nachos.  They were tasty. 

Last week I talked about some very emotional stuff.  Today I want to share some of the music that helped me through some of that struggle.  Music is very healing and has a way of calming my soul like nothing else can. 

The first song is by the Avett Brothers called "No Hard Feelings".  It's all about wondering what might happen when we die.  The song is just a big question with no answers but is very calm and peaceful.  It reminds me that we all have these questions and we all wonder but it doesn't have to be upsetting.  It helps me to live calmly with the question.  Here is a video of the song from a movie about the Avett Brothers "May It Last". 

 

 The second song is called "Deep Water" by American Authors.  This song is more about personal struggle and it really speaks to how I process turbulence in my life.  The song talks about how "it comes and goes in waves.  It always rolls back but it's never quite the same".  Every struggle turns my life upside down in some way and when it's over, things return to normal but I'm changed.  Sometimes I feel worse and most of the time I feel better.  It's a reminder that the struggle is part of the happiness.  I know I wouldn't be happy without my struggle.  It has led me to the most interesting parts of my life.  Here's the audio for "Deep Water".  

 

So those are my songs and that's it for this week.  Hopefully I won't forget to post next week.  But if I do, I'll keep Thursday as my back up day. 

My Reminders

I recently started an art project to put on my wall next to my bed where I can see it everyday.  It will have messages that I've received from God in this past year with room to add new messages in the future.  That way when I receive an important message, I can be sure that I won't forget.  Below I will list the messages and why I needed to hear them.  But before I start, I just want to acknowledge that my whole heart is in this post and this will not be easy to write. 

Here is the beginning of my project:

On separate papers will be my 3 reminders as follows.

1. You are not God. 

Last year I was in spiritual turmoil.  It all started with prayer.  I noticed that I wasn't praying very much and my spirit felt like it was asleep.  I asked myself why I wasn't praying and I realized I didn't trust God.  And then I probed deeper and realized I didn't trust that God was real.  I felt that no one was listening so I stopped trying to connect.  When I realized what I felt, I said a prayer to God.  I wanted to know the truth.  I said "I don't want to be comforted, I want to know the truth."  That lead to me questioning everything about life.  I asked all the scary questions that I usually try to push aside and not think about like "what happens to us when we die?"  I tried to bravely face the truth but I just kept getting more scared.  One night, I was laying in bed unable to move or talk just feeling the weight of the universe on my tiny little shoulders.  One day I walked Bishop to school and just stared at all the objects and plants and people and life happening around me like they were alien.  I was shaken to my core. 

I slowly began to make peace with my fear and found a way to continue existing.  Then I received a message "You are not God".  Even if God does not exist, it is not me.  I can't change anything by worrying and being afraid.  Me worrying about bad things that might happen will not make it so.  There IS a truth and none of us know what it is.  Trying to carry the weight of the universe will not change the truth of it. 

I do believe in God.  I have seen love and I know that it's real and I believe that love comes from somewhere.  My goal in this life is to spread that love as much as I can. 


2. You may... or you may not. 

Some of you may know I've been doing quite a bit of personality work lately.  This is the message that made all that work click and fall into place.  I've been learning about all my negative tendencies and have been thinking about ways to overcome those.  The problem is feeling that there are things I SHOULD be doing.  I feel bad because I have a number of artistic projects that I've started and never finished and I see that pattern and feel like I won't be able to break out of it.  When I think I SHOULD be doing something, it makes me feel like I've already failed in some way.  When I heard the words "you may... or you may not" it took all the shame out of the process.  I hear it like "you have permission to use your gifts, you can create something with them, it doesn't matter what you haven't done in the past".  Now I just feel ready to go.  And ready to post this blog that I've been thinking about posting for months.  I may post it and I may not.  I've decided that I may. 


3. Do Justice. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly.

Some of you may recognize this as a bible verse.  It's one that gives me hope and courage.  It also reminds me of my mom because there's a song written around this verse that she used to play in church.  My mom was the first person who taught me how to be Christian. 


Whew.  This is me.  My heart is on this page.  And I hope the holy spirit as well. 

Post-break

Easter break was 2 weeks long.  Now it's over so I'm back.  I had to get used to having Bishop home all the time.  We both got tired of him being home.  Last week, he asked me when school was starting.  He was so happy to go back today.  Now I've got a month and a half before he's off for the summer.  It's gonna be interesting.  Then I'll have a first grader!  Then after that, he'll be going off to college!

My brain is like an avalanche, I can't help it.  As I was exiting my 20s, I kept thinking "OMG I'm gonna be 30, I'm basically gonna die tomorrow!"  Sometimes I can't help but live in the future.  But now that I'm in my 30s, I'm starting to forget how old I am.  Maybe that's my brains form of self defensive.  "You're getting older.  How old?  I don't know at least 30.  That's not so bad is it?".  Then I wander off and do something childish like coloring or something crazy like having a conversation with the cat.  She's wise.  She's been through some stuff.  Also she's biting me a lot less.  I think she likes me.  Or maybe she's just filling me with a false sense of security so she can strike harder.  Cats are evil like that.  But also they're angels.  Just not when they're being evil. 

Also today is my BFFFFFF's birthday!  Happy Birthday Brandi!  You're the greatest and the cutest.  

Kittens and babies

I wasn't sure if I was gonna make it here this Tuesday.  I already made tentative plans to do a make up blog on Wednesday because I'm baby sitting today.  But it's cool because John came home early so now it's a joint effort.  And I have time to blog.  You would think it would be super easy for me to watch babies because I had 2 already but it's different when it's someone else's baby.  We don't understand each other because I don't spend all day with him.  So a lot of my time is just trying to figure out what he's telling me.  Also my baby carrying muscles are weak because Marshall doesn't want to be held all the time.  As soon as he receives his comfort, he wants down and he's off playing again. 

So we got a cat!  Her name is Janet.  Marshall calls her "Jammit" which is adorably hilarious.  I named her after Janet Snakehole, April Ludgates alter ego from Parks and Recreation.  She wears all black and she's a "very rich widow with a terrible secret".  So Janet is all black and she's very adorable.  She slept in our bed the first night she was here.  When I laid down, she was already under my covers.  I'm so glad we have her!  I feel like we needed a cat.  Marshall especially needed one.  He needs to be around his own kind.  Cause he's actually a kitten. 

The kids watching TV with 'Jammit'

Reminiscing

Do you ever remember something small and suddenly feel transported into your past?  Like you just suddenly remember what it felt like to be there in that moment?  And it's weird because my whole life was completely different; it's almost like I was a different person.  And then I try to remember what it felt like to be that person.  It was confusing but also a lot more carefree. 

I was thinking of one of those rare times when I was able to let loose and all my crazy came out.  It was at a slumber party in middle school.  I didn't know most of the people there which is what made it rare.  Usually I have to be an absurd amount of comfortable before I would even think of letting my crazy out.  But every once in a while, there would be a perfect storm of circumstance and it was like a switch went off in my brain and I just didn't care what I was saying or doing and my self consciousness went on vacation or something.  Kind of like when I get drunk but I wasn't a delinquent so that didn't happen until after high school. 

Anyway, I was just thinking what if one of those girls saw me later in school and just expected me to be this crazy eccentric extrovert and then they literally never heard me talk again?  That's a thought that's literally never crossed my mind until now.  It's weird to think about how with the crazy amount of self conscious I was, I actually didn't spend much time wondering what people thought about me or what kind of impression I made.  In high school, people often told me they thought I hated them at first and I'm pretty sure my first thought was "omg, they know I exist".  Its like my self consciousness only lives in the present.  After that, it's got other things to worry about.  Unless I embarrassed myself, then it thinks it's important to constantly remind me.  But if I'm just silent through an interaction, I never think "I wonder if they think I'm quiet and weird and hate them" which I'm pretty sure is what people actually think of me.  This is why I married John.  He's the public face of our marriage.  My PR guy. 

Last Week My Head Tried to Kill Me

I had to skip blogging last week.  Although technically I didn't break my own rule because Bishop stayed home sick that day.  But I would have broken it because I had a migraine that was trying to destroy me from the inside and I couldn't look at screens without making the migraine mad.  It went away on Wednesday but it took almost a full week to fully recover.  Now I have "migraine hangover" in my search history and some mild PTSD.  I feel really sorry for whoever has to live with those on a regular basis.  And I really hope mine don't become a regular thing.  Not fun. 

And now my little smarty-pants Bishop is reading over my shoulder.  Nothing is safe anymore!  Although I usually blog when he's at school.  I wish I could say I have an awesome excuse but the truth is I was just being lazy.  I blame the migraine hangover.  The one that's pretty much gone. 

Bishops spring break is in a few weeks.  He gets 2 whole weeks so I guess I won't be blogging for a bit.  Maybe I'll work on my other writing project.  It's entirely in my head right now.  That's where most of my ideas stay.  Unless it's a crafting idea, then there's a 90% chance I have most of the materials sitting in my bedroom next to some half finished stuff. 

Anyway... here's Bishop with a mustache.  It was for school.  

My Hat

Yesterday was crazy hat day at Bishops school.  Since he doesn't really have any hats, I let him wear mine.  Marshall got super jealous and started crying as we left.  Bishop let him wear it during the walk to school.  That made everyone happy.  

Sometimes he's super considerate like that and I didn't even have to ask him.  Or subtly hint.  He made that decision all on his own.  

I wish that was the end of the story.  My hat came home broken.  I mean I'm not that surprised.  I did send it to school with a 5 year old.  He told his teacher I could sew it back.  So it should be fixed in about 6 months.  It took me months to fix a button on Johns shirt.  And it was his favorite shirt too.  But the penguin hat is mine and no one is waiting on me to fix it so it'll probably never get done.  But it's okay.  I have another penguin hat somewhere.  

The moral of this story is: always have a back up penguin hat.  You never know when you might need it. 

It's an anti-blogging conspiracy

The universe doesn't want me to blog today.  Usually I sit down to write in the 9 o'clock hour but I was being lazy because I've been sick.  So sat down to write in the 3 o'clock hour.  That's my back-up blogging time because Marshall is napping and Bishop is usually playing video games if he didn't get in trouble that day.  I turned my computer on and it decided to do a lengthy update that took, and I'm not exaggerating, a full hour!  By the time it was done, nap time was over and both boys were crying at me because they weren't getting their snack the split second they wanted it.  So now it's approaching 6 o'clock which is a terrible time for blogging because I have, no joke, stood up at least 3 times to mediate squabbles while typing this paragraph.  This is most high energy time of day and I need some semblance of quiet to concentrate on writing.  Now all I can think about is how annoying my kids are being and not any real topics.  This is why parent bloggers only talk about their kids.  It's hard to think about anything else. 

Marshall is 3 now!  Just like last birthday, he wasn't very happy about it.  Every time someone told him he was turning 3, he shook his head no.  Then when we sang him happy birthday, he walked into the other room right in the middle of the song.  I guess that's an improvement from last year when he started crying.  He's definitely an introvert.  The evidence continues to mount.  I'll just have to teach him everything I know.  I should probably get him a cat to bond with.  That's introversion 101: cats are your best friend. 

Anyway, I'm gonna wrap this up.  There's a constant stream of chatter coming from my right side.  Zero guesses which one it is.  It's Bishop. 

Hype Man

I didn't blog last week.  I was depressed.  But now the cloud has passed and I'm feeling like myself again, except for a minor cold.  That's almost gone too.  I told John about the depressing thoughts I was having and he agreed that those thoughts were, in fact, depressing and that made me feel a little better.  Sharing always helps even if the problems don't get solved.  It's nice to know that other people worry about the same stuff I do.  We're all in this together. 

Marshall has been getting better at talking.  It's adorable and sometimes confusing because he's so confident about what he wants to say but I have no idea what it is.  He's also recently started a very annoying habit.  Mumbling.  Honestly I can't believe I didn't see it coming.  He acts so much like me and my primary form of communication used to be mumbling.  I managed to break that habit when I started dating John because he's 30% deaf.  Hopefully this habit doesn't stick around.  Maybe having a deaf father and a loud brother will break him out of it early.  If not, I'll probably have to translate for him for the rest of my life.  So far, I speak Marshall the best.  Or maybe Bishop speaks it better than me.  He never seems to have an issue.  Also I'm pretty sure Marshall learns most of his words from Bishop.  He's a little echo.  Or back up singer.  He's everybody's hype man. 

Sometimes you just need a new perspective

Tuesday?

It's Tuesday and I feel totally uninspired.  I had to pay bills today and on top of that, I started doing taxes as well so all of my creativity burrowed deep inside me to hide like a.... naked mole rat?  I don't really know what those are but I assume they burrow into the ground.  And that's where my creativity went: deep into the dark places of my brain while the irritated business number crunchers marched out of the prison cell I keep them in to preserve my sanity.  The prison is guarded by glow sticks and rave music.  And soft fluffy kittens.  Everything number crunchers hate so they stay in their cell. 

And now the tiny bit of creativity that I managed to squeeze out for that metaphor has been interrupted by a 5 year old who doesn't know how to do time out.  Ugh.  I give up. 

Marshall Trap

I'm pretty sure I've blogged before about the infamous "Angela Trap".  It's basically any cat I come across outside that lets me pet it.  John noted very early in our relationship that if someone wanted to trap me, all it would take is a friendly cat and I'd be gone.  So every cat I randomly come across is an "Angela Trap".  Today I realized they are also "Marshall Traps".  He has inherited my absolute need to pet any cat that holds still for 2 seconds.  We've been coming across an adorable orange cat recently that lives somewhere in our complex and it is very difficult to get Marshall to focus and continue walking when we come across him.  And to make matters worse, I've officially retired the monkey leash so I often have to grab his hand to drag him away from the trap.  And he's chased the cat into a few bushes.  Probably under some cars.  It's like he has magnets in his hands.  It's adorable.  And frustrating cause we got places to be. 

It's interesting to see the behaviors I'm passing on.  Most of mine are going to Marshall.  He loves stuffies.  And Moana.  And cats and cuddling and making faces at when people tell him he's cute.  He even loves pink.  He's a mini-me. 

This is the only picture I've managed to get of the trap.  The other times I was too busy petting him.

Decor

Christmas is officially over in our apartment.  Our tree finally came down this weekend.  It would have come down earlier but John was sick AND doing overtime.  And I'm not tall enough.  I bought a 9 foot tree which makes me pretty useless at assembly/ disassembly.  I've tried to use the word "desembly" a few times before figuring out it's not a word.  I feel like it should be.  Maybe if I use it enough, it will become a word.  That's how it works right? 

Anyway, my point is, our apartment is now sad and decoration-less.  I mean besides the family picture wall and Game of Thrones banners.  Maybe I should add some more decor.  Except every time I start a project, it never gets finished.  I have so many craft supplies and barely finished projects in my room.  I need a crafting partner.  I'm terrible at self-motivation. 

We replaced our Christmas tree with a coat tree.  It looks a lot neater in here now that our sweaters aren't all over the desk and coach.  And now that the kids have bunk beds, it looks like we actually fit in this apartment instead of being stuffed in with all our oversized beds.  It's still pretty messy though.  Doesn't matter how much room we have, that'll never change.  We are not neat people. 

Believer

So originally I had planned to write something deeply profound and personal but then I saw a movie yesterday and thought "I want to write about that!"  Personal stuff will have to wait.  How long?  Depends on how long I can distract myself and find other topics to write about.  Writing personal stuff is hard.  I believe its important but it's not easy.  On to distract-ier things!  Yes spellcheck, I know that's not a word.  Don't stifle my creativity! 

The topic of the movie is pretty serious, it just has nothing to do with my personal experience.  Although I can relate to the protagonist.  It was a documentary called 'Believer' about Dan Reynolds struggle to create an atmosphere of acceptance in the Mormon community regarding LGBTQ individuals.  Reynolds is the lead singer of the rock band Imagine Dragons.  They're kind of a big deal. 

I had heard before I watched this movie about Reynolds doing the Love Loud festival and speaking out for gay rights.  What surprised me the most was just how completely Mormon he is.  I guess I just assume whenever I hear about the religion of any rock star that they don't actually care about their religion.  I imagine someone who was raised a certain way and then branches out into the world and then disregards their beliefs or holds onto those beliefs in a marginal way.  Dan Reynolds grew up a devout Mormon in Utah and still defines himself with those beliefs. 

He talks about how at first he saw gay rights as not his problem.  It didn't affect him, it wasn't his fight.  I remember thinking the same thing when I was high school age when my feelings conflicted with what was written in scripture.  Something didn't feel right but who was I to go against the word of God?  Then Reynolds started to see how the church doctrine affected his brothers and sisters who were gay and struggling to be faithful.  Many of those struggles ended in suicide.  That must be the loneliest place in the world.  To feel so completely isolated and rejected that you don't even want to be alive.  It's painful to even imagine someone feeling this way. 

So he used his fame to do something about it.  To show those who are struggling that they are not alone.  To change enough minds and make enough noise to change church doctrine.  It's an inspiring story about someone willing to follow God and having the courage to break the rules even if it means excommunication. 

I think a lot of faith communities can learn from his story.  I think a lot of Christians feel the way Reynolds did in the beginning: uneasy about exclusion but afraid to break the rules and get kicked out of the only community they've ever known.  My personal journey seems downright easy compared to this.  Faith is much more individualistic where I live and we church hopped somewhat when I was growing up.  I have the luxury of staying in my community and going to a church that's openly accepting of LBGTQ.  The feeling of inclusiveness I feel there is unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life.  Even though I'm not gay, I'm able to be the most authentic I've ever been inside a church.  I'm able to stand before God with no filters or masks.  It is a freedom that is nothing short of divine. 

This is my prayer for churches everywhere: for freedom, inclusion, and complete authenticity.  That is where God lives. 

PS - This took a very personal turn.  Maybe I am ready to write that personally profound blog. 

Post-holiday

Vacation is officially over.  Bishop went back to school today.  Now I get to wake up early and hang out with Marshall all day.  His vocabulary is expanding every day.  Soon I'll have a formidable conversation partner.  We can have philosophical debates.  Or talk about poop.  Kids seem to enjoy gross topics.  Bishops about 50/50 between extremely curious and saying everything has poop on it. 

We got the kids bunk beds for Christmas.  Yesterday we dissembled the queen bed and it was like Christmas morning all over again.  There were toys under there they probably haven't seen since we moved in here.  Also one of Marshall's missing bottles that was probably growing something toxic and a pile of baby wipes Marshall threw behind the bed at some point.  I'm so glad the bunk beds are light enough to move around so we can clean under the bed more than once every 2 years.  Kids are gross.  Just like their sense of humor.  This is exactly why God made them so goddamn cute. 

So for Christmas, the only thing Bishop asked for was a lego x-wing.  Since his list of demands was so small, I wanted to make sure he got it.  But the full size lego x-wing is a little expensive for something a 5 year old will be playing with and probably losing all the pieces within a few weeks.  So I decided to get him the small one for under $10 and hope it was good enough.  I also got him a small lego millennium falcon and a small lego spider-man set just in case he was disappointed with the small x-wing.  So Christmas morning he opens his tiny lego x-wing and he jumps up and down and says "It's exactly what I wanted!".  Blew my mind.  And thank God I didn't get the bigger one.  He probably would have loved it but it would have been such a waste.  I'm so glad he was happy with what he got.  I love seeing that little jerk excited. 

Last night was their first night on the bunk beds.  Here they are settling in. 

Marshall's hiding in the shadows