Do you ever remember something small and suddenly feel transported into your past? Like you just suddenly remember what it felt like to be there in that moment? And it's weird because my whole life was completely different; it's almost like I was a different person. And then I try to remember what it felt like to be that person. It was confusing but also a lot more carefree.
I was thinking of one of those rare times when I was able to let loose and all my crazy came out. It was at a slumber party in middle school. I didn't know most of the people there which is what made it rare. Usually I have to be an absurd amount of comfortable before I would even think of letting my crazy out. But every once in a while, there would be a perfect storm of circumstance and it was like a switch went off in my brain and I just didn't care what I was saying or doing and my self consciousness went on vacation or something. Kind of like when I get drunk but I wasn't a delinquent so that didn't happen until after high school.
Anyway, I was just thinking what if one of those girls saw me later in school and just expected me to be this crazy eccentric extrovert and then they literally never heard me talk again? That's a thought that's literally never crossed my mind until now. It's weird to think about how with the crazy amount of self conscious I was, I actually didn't spend much time wondering what people thought about me or what kind of impression I made. In high school, people often told me they thought I hated them at first and I'm pretty sure my first thought was "omg, they know I exist". Its like my self consciousness only lives in the present. After that, it's got other things to worry about. Unless I embarrassed myself, then it thinks it's important to constantly remind me. But if I'm just silent through an interaction, I never think "I wonder if they think I'm quiet and weird and hate them" which I'm pretty sure is what people actually think of me. This is why I married John. He's the public face of our marriage. My PR guy.
I was thinking of one of those rare times when I was able to let loose and all my crazy came out. It was at a slumber party in middle school. I didn't know most of the people there which is what made it rare. Usually I have to be an absurd amount of comfortable before I would even think of letting my crazy out. But every once in a while, there would be a perfect storm of circumstance and it was like a switch went off in my brain and I just didn't care what I was saying or doing and my self consciousness went on vacation or something. Kind of like when I get drunk but I wasn't a delinquent so that didn't happen until after high school.
Anyway, I was just thinking what if one of those girls saw me later in school and just expected me to be this crazy eccentric extrovert and then they literally never heard me talk again? That's a thought that's literally never crossed my mind until now. It's weird to think about how with the crazy amount of self conscious I was, I actually didn't spend much time wondering what people thought about me or what kind of impression I made. In high school, people often told me they thought I hated them at first and I'm pretty sure my first thought was "omg, they know I exist". Its like my self consciousness only lives in the present. After that, it's got other things to worry about. Unless I embarrassed myself, then it thinks it's important to constantly remind me. But if I'm just silent through an interaction, I never think "I wonder if they think I'm quiet and weird and hate them" which I'm pretty sure is what people actually think of me. This is why I married John. He's the public face of our marriage. My PR guy.
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